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The Childless Bitch on Holiday Shopping

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It's Black Friday and guess who will not be stepping into a mall today? Me!

woman shopping with her kids

It's Black Friday and guess who will not be stepping into a mall today? Me!

That's right, us single, childless gals are rockin' a hangover from a kick-ass post-Thanksgiving party (how was yours?) and will gladly give this bizarre American middle class holiday to you. You can meet at Wal-Mart at 4 in the morning. I am more than happy to let you have the quesadilla maker at 20% off. My gift to you.

But for all the other days I will be in a mall or super-chain megastore, I think it's important to address the mother/child shopping etiquette that needs to take place this holiday season.

First and foremost, leave your child at home!

Shopping is intended to be an enjoyable activity. Why would you want to ruin this experience for yourself, the loved one you've dragged along and - oh, did I mention, every other human being trying to simply buy a gift card?! Listen, we may smile politely but in the back of our minds we're thinking, "Why is that thing in here?"

I get it. You strap your kid in because you think you're making a quick stop at Target, but it never works out. So, since you choose to bring little Jimmy into the hell that is consumer shopping, below are a few rules that should be followed.

1. Those dying bird and abused animal noises you're hearing are coming from your child. Do something about it or I will.
2. No splitting the line. We see you putting your kid in one check-out line and yourself in another to 'beat the system.' This is not clever or original. Let's play by the rules.
3. Dressing rooms are not anatomy class for your children. If your little Tommy peeps his head under my door, I have every right to notify mall security.
4. If you find yourself saying, "Honey, we're almost done here" - you should have left the mall 30 minutes ago. You and your child have already broken at least 3 rules on this list.
5. Aisle 9 - dog leashes. I'm just sayin'.
6. Because you are trying on shoes does not grant your child the right to occupy a seat. This is the one time I will allow her to play on the floor.
7. Leave the doublewide stroller at home. Your marching band of children are taking up the entire aisle and setting the world record for slowest walkers of all time. Get in. Get out. Go home.
8. Do not fuel A.D.D. with Cinnabon.
9. Congratulations! As a parent, you have earned an all-access VIP pass to three hot mall locations - The Child Plastic Playing Area, The Food Court, and Santa's Holiday Village. Enjoy!
10. And last but not least, it's called online shopping. Suck it up and pay the shipping costs. This will not only be a gift to your overall health and well-being this holiday season, but also a kind way for you to give back to your community.

next: Trista's Top 5 Mommy Must-Haves
215 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous November 27, 2007, 12:50 PM

Maybe it’s the language you’re using.

Angie November 27, 2007, 1:12 PM

Well, I’ll try this one more time to all you basically CHILDREN HATERS!

I do not feel bad when I take my lil girl out and she throws a fit. It’s something I have to deal with all the time and I don’t believe I’ve ever been out and gave a crap about what some person or some single kid-less woman thought. To make a comment about placing a dog leash on lil child, what the heck is wrong with you?

There will always be children wether you like it or not so if you can’t handle lil children on their heely shoes or making animal noises, simple take your business some where else because I’ll be there and so will my child. DEAL WITH IT!

NKBurlington November 27, 2007, 7:04 PM

Angie wrote:
“I do not feel bad when I take my lil girl out and she throws a fit. It’s something I have to deal with all the time …”

Ah yes. The “If I have to deal with it then so will you” attitude. Love it.

“To make a comment about placing a dog leash on lil child, what the heck is wrong with you?”

Um, there are actually leashes you can buy for children; I wish more people used them. Why don’t you do the rest of us a favour and go buy one? Here’s a website that sells them:

And the word is “little” not “lil”. I hate Internet speak.

NKBurlington November 27, 2007, 7:08 PM

I really hate the assumption made by a few posters here that this woman will eventually have children. I can pretty much guarantee by the tone of her article that she will remain childfree.

Not every single woman on the planet wants to have children. Some of us don’t want to and we are quite content with our lives as is.

Shannon November 27, 2007, 10:30 PM

I agree NKBurlington, but that’s far too logical for the breeders to wrap their minds around. They assume that since they bred, that everybody in the world must also desire to breed. What’s more, they can’t stand the thought that some people don’t want kids, because they want every woman to be just as miserable as they are. They discovered that having kids sucks, and they’re pissed that they’re now stuck with stretch marks and whining, drooling yard apes, while the childfree among us get to live through our days without puke on our clothing and Cheerios in our hair. It’s just jealousy is all.

Anonymous November 27, 2007, 11:23 PM

Finally! I’ve been wondering where the angry non-breeders have been hiding. Found em right here at momlogic!

The point that some people don’t “parent” - I get it. But come on, you expect mothers to stay in and not get anything done because we have kids? That’s just silly. And I come across more rude and poorly behaved adults in the mall than kids any day. And why is it we’re supposed to shop online while you should be entitled to walk your angry selves around the mall? Whether a person is 3 years or 30 years, we’re all entitled. And yes, it would be nice if we ALL behaved appropriately at the mall. But it’s very clear some of you without children probably don’t.

Angie November 27, 2007, 11:41 PM

I really can’t believe the comments that are being said and talked about here towards children. I love my children to death and don’t regret having them or being a mom for nothing!

I really don’t believe you should flatter yourself so much as to say we are jealous of your singlehood! PLEASE!!

I really still don’t get why your continually saying harsh, cruel comments about mothers and thier kids.

Do you have nothing better to do than waste your time once again on a MOM’S WEBITE! You could be out drinking it up somewhere.

Tara November 27, 2007, 11:43 PM

Well, you’ve basically proven that you can’t listen at all. Thanks. I agree with parents needing to parent BUT (and there is a BUT here) your article lumps EVERY parent into a category saying we aren’t doing our jobs. That is simply untrue. My children do know how to behave in public. So please do not tell ME to leave them at home because YOU don’t like children. That’s ridiculous.

And — I’m pretty sure the point of this site is for “moms” so I am perplexed as to why you are here anyway? I mean serious mean spirited thought had to go into purposely coming here and posting something like this.

Really I just have one question - were you ever a child? (that’s a retorical question) Did your mama leave YOU at home and never take you anywhere? Maybe that is the problem. Maybe you need to learn how to act in public and treat others with the respect you expect them to give you. Honestly with your bad attitude I might quite possibly ASK my child to be annoying just to piss you off. Mwwwahhhhaaaa!

Avontussle November 28, 2007, 12:49 AM

Remember your spelling, Angie.

As to why most of the anti-breeder comments are on a website about motherhood, it’s really very simple. When you post an article like this and call the author a name just because they’re only telling the truth about how you and your children are viewed in public places, well….you have to expect that some childfree people are going to find it and they’re going to have fun ripping you a new one over it.

Sherry November 28, 2007, 1:44 AM

Wow! So kids and moms aren’t entitled to be in stores? We all bother you that much? Why don’t YOU shop online and save our children from being around such a nasty and bitter person? While as a parent I’ll agree that some parents are annoying and their children are not well controlled, that is not true for most and it still doesn’t mean they don’t have a right to shop. Are they less human than you? Maybe they find YOUR presence just as offensive as you find theirs to be? It amazes me how selfish and self-righteous some childless (by choice) people can be- as though the world should cater to them and their pets. Personally I’m thankful that people like that choose not to procreate.

Children are people, too and no one is any better than any child- we ALL were children once. Maybe in the future one of my snotty brats will be bringing you food in your nursing home as they work to pay for your social security benefits and medicare. Respect works both ways and karma is the real bitch.

Sherry November 28, 2007, 1:58 AM

And I must add, should anyone- child free or not- EVER approach one of my children and say even the slightest nasty comment it will be a day he/she will never forget. The LAST thing you ever want to do is go an attack against a child with a stressed out mama bear nearby. You can talk tough on line about your tongue-lashings but I seriously doubt you’d have the nerve to come near my children with such drivel. I think I would actually enjoy that confrontation.

Ever been squirted in the eye with breastmilk? Yeah, I thought that would make you cringe. LOL.

Angie November 28, 2007, 4:09 AM

You and your words on my spelling is really freakin petty.
Avontussle or whatever that is. Your reason for being here posting is to defend an author being called a *****
for her article, that’s why. So, all you children haters were just sitting around on your computers with nothing else to do than search for a webite for MOTHERS and decided you being nothing but single with no children had the right to make aggressive remarks about moms who have to go out shopping with their kids in public places.
I get now how pathetic your lives must be an how unfulfilling for you to even want to bother!
To the last poster I agree with you 100%
if someone even came close to my little girl I can definitly say that it would start with a confrontation.

Avontussle November 28, 2007, 10:19 AM

Well, Sherry, let’s think about this, shall we? If one of your mentally challenged nuggets were to, say, bump into me on their stupid little wheelie shoes because they weren’t looking where they were going, and I tripped, then yes, I would yell at your child. You can be “mama bear” all you want to, but if you’re not going to teach your spawn how to behave like a human in public, then someone has to. As for the breastmilk thing, typical moo response. It’s so typical how you breeders love whipping out your milk filled udders in public in the name of the children.

And Angie, spell check is your friend. WebSITE, not webITE. All that child worship is frying your brain cells, apparently.

Angie November 28, 2007, 11:41 AM

Avontussle don’t address me with the spelling crap! I noticed it after I posted so,the hell what. Go find a life! Or a more well suited WEBSITE for yourself like um.. I don’t know maybe like 100 ways on how to be a more respectful humanbeing!

Angie November 28, 2007, 12:24 PM

NKBurlington - Hey nice name by the way! Who’s whole did you fall out of? By the comments made by you I can tell you were raised up proper. Did your mother tie a leash around you when going out or were you mistaken for the family dog! Ruff! Ruff!

By the way I will spell the word “little” or “lil” any way I damn well want.

NKBurlington November 28, 2007, 12:51 PM

Such hostility, Angie.

I did not require a leash because I was well behaved. Not like a lot of kids today who get away with murder.

Human being is two words, not one and it’s “definitely”, not “definitly”.

Ruff! Ruff!

Angie November 28, 2007, 3:26 PM

NKBurlington- Don’t you have anywhere else to go and trash talk about people and innocent kids.

Yeah, I can tell you were a perfect kid just look at the wonderful job your parents did.
So, glad that you are anti-child we really don’t need a replica of yourself running around and adding to the pollution. I’m done lowering myself to the level of a bunch of singlehoodies that shouldn’t be here anyway where they don’t even belong.
Maybe your just so upset that you don’t have a child and that was what brought you here to begin with. Peace!!

CF November 28, 2007, 4:03 PM

“…in a few years she will probably be eating her words and taking her children into the shopping malls and annoying old versions of her”

“It amazes me how selfish and self-righteous some childless (by choice) people can be- as though the world should cater to them and their pets.”

“Personally I’m thankful that people like that choose not to procreate.”

“…we ALL were children once.”

“Maybe in the future one of my snotty brats will be bringing you food in your nursing home as they work to pay for your social security benefits and medicare”

Can you say breeder BINGO?

GummyBears November 28, 2007, 6:38 PM

Yep, that’s some serious bingo-ing going on there.

NKB November 28, 2007, 6:45 PM

Wow. Parents calling me angry, upset and jealous.

Here is my surprised face :)

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