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The Childless Bitch on Holiday Shopping

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It's Black Friday and guess who will not be stepping into a mall today? Me!

woman shopping with her kids

It's Black Friday and guess who will not be stepping into a mall today? Me!

That's right, us single, childless gals are rockin' a hangover from a kick-ass post-Thanksgiving party (how was yours?) and will gladly give this bizarre American middle class holiday to you. You can meet at Wal-Mart at 4 in the morning. I am more than happy to let you have the quesadilla maker at 20% off. My gift to you.

But for all the other days I will be in a mall or super-chain megastore, I think it's important to address the mother/child shopping etiquette that needs to take place this holiday season.

First and foremost, leave your child at home!

Shopping is intended to be an enjoyable activity. Why would you want to ruin this experience for yourself, the loved one you've dragged along and - oh, did I mention, every other human being trying to simply buy a gift card?! Listen, we may smile politely but in the back of our minds we're thinking, "Why is that thing in here?"

I get it. You strap your kid in because you think you're making a quick stop at Target, but it never works out. So, since you choose to bring little Jimmy into the hell that is consumer shopping, below are a few rules that should be followed.

1. Those dying bird and abused animal noises you're hearing are coming from your child. Do something about it or I will.
2. No splitting the line. We see you putting your kid in one check-out line and yourself in another to 'beat the system.' This is not clever or original. Let's play by the rules.
3. Dressing rooms are not anatomy class for your children. If your little Tommy peeps his head under my door, I have every right to notify mall security.
4. If you find yourself saying, "Honey, we're almost done here" - you should have left the mall 30 minutes ago. You and your child have already broken at least 3 rules on this list.
5. Aisle 9 - dog leashes. I'm just sayin'.
6. Because you are trying on shoes does not grant your child the right to occupy a seat. This is the one time I will allow her to play on the floor.
7. Leave the doublewide stroller at home. Your marching band of children are taking up the entire aisle and setting the world record for slowest walkers of all time. Get in. Get out. Go home.
8. Do not fuel A.D.D. with Cinnabon.
9. Congratulations! As a parent, you have earned an all-access VIP pass to three hot mall locations - The Child Plastic Playing Area, The Food Court, and Santa's Holiday Village. Enjoy!
10. And last but not least, it's called online shopping. Suck it up and pay the shipping costs. This will not only be a gift to your overall health and well-being this holiday season, but also a kind way for you to give back to your community.

next: Trista's Top 5 Mommy Must-Haves
215 comments so far | Post a comment now
Kristy November 28, 2007, 7:04 PM

To whoever claimed that their kid was going to work and pay our social security, WHATEVER. Your future college dropout (assuming your kid is smart enough to get into college, and judging by how many myspace kids are typng lyke thyss, lol omgwtf, it doesn’t seem very likely) will either be flipping burgers at Mickey D’s until they’re 40 while still living in your basement, or they’ll become stay-at-home whiners like you. Oops, I mean “stay at home mooooooms.” But by all means, if beliving that your DNA continuation will be a big shot someday gets you though the nights, then go ahead. I’m just telling it like I see it.

Michelle  November 28, 2007, 7:49 PM

Yes Avontussle, I forgot a t on butt. Sue me.

Amy November 28, 2007, 7:58 PM

I love how you McBreedersons just assume that everybody is going to have a kid someday. That is just so adorable. Can you count to 10, too? Oh, and “Not too many people die without having a kid” ? Were you serious? A LOT of people live long and happy lives without ever birthing a loaf. It’s cute how you think that, though. Really makes me giggle. Thanks.

Avontussle November 28, 2007, 8:07 PM

Hey Angie….

When you asked NK whose “whole” they fell out of, I think you meant “hole.”

Did you drop out before they covered homonyms?

Megan November 28, 2007, 8:54 PM

The ammunition of the pathetic - grammar and spelling. Really people, don’t lose sight of what we’re debating here. (Which really, is nothing.) Someone wrote an article to piss off mothers, which obviously worked. And then the dungeons and dragons, kiss-their-cats-on-the-mouth crowd got all crazy. If your childless lives are so wonderful and fulfilled, why are you spending so much time online bagging on parents? Taking a break from your online gaming? As for me, I’m online because sometimes it’s nice to take a break from work and/or kids and go on a site that makes me laugh and informs.

Angie November 28, 2007, 9:36 PM

Avontussle I really wish you were able to have read the last comment I was trying to post guess it wasn’t able to go through. As far as the losers that have nothing else to say but comment on my spelling. Grow the HELL UP! The “whole” thing was on purpose due to the last comment from the poster. I really could care less what some heart-less witches want to say about my words.

Get off here!

Angie November 28, 2007, 9:40 PM

Hey, Avontussle is that really your name or was that something you just thought sounded nice so you went with it?

Avontussle November 28, 2007, 9:55 PM

Wow, if you thought Avontussle was my actual name you’re dumber than I thought. Is Angie YOUR real name or is it something you thought sounded like the name of a child worshipping PTA mom?

Aerdna November 29, 2007, 12:19 AM

wow. you’re so angry. seems like someone needs a hug.

Anonymous November 29, 2007, 12:27 AM

Just telling it like it is

Danielle November 29, 2007, 12:41 AM

I find it amusing that you breeders are always bleating some version of “But youuuuu were a kid once!” Yeah, and your point is? Just because you were once part of a certain group doesn’t mean that you cannot despise members of that group later on. And honestly, is that the best argument you can come up with for why we should all bow down to the evidence that your reproductive organs work?

Besides, my mother actually disciplined me, something I wish you moos would do once in awhile to your droppings. Most of your kids are in desperate need of a beating with a blunt object, because they behave like wild animals in public.

aernda November 29, 2007, 12:48 AM

i wish i was you. you seem so nice.

Anonymous November 29, 2007, 12:51 AM

I am. I really am. Just not to kids. But if you’re a normal person I’ll be your bestest friend. Hugs and kisses.

Angie November 29, 2007, 1:33 AM

To avontussleface, yah I believe my question on your name was purely just being sarcastic, ya dumb *****!
You got me Angie is the number one name for a PTA mom and had to have it.
Your a bright one!

Danielle, your comment on beating kids with a blunt object. OK CHILD ABUSER!
There has been alot of comments on getting in a kids face and yelling at them or giving them a good tongue-lashing and putting them on a leash like an animal. Now were down to beating them with blunt objects.
Wow I wonder what you people really would do to a child to hurt them because you just hate them so much.
I think certain remarks made here need to be looked into more deeply!

Sherry November 29, 2007, 1:57 AM

Just for fun I’ve been poking around the CF scene online and let me tell you- you guys are some real winners. I have never read so many horrible stories of being abused as children (makes me pity you and understand you a bit better) and there is so much hatred. The things you guys complain about are assanine while at the same time you seem high on this misconceived notion that somehow you are more intelligent? That’s how you justify your child hatred? You’re just too smart? Your online world is a bit more than creepy, they are like little cyber rooms where pathetic angry people pump each other up by picking on children while constantly congratulating each other for having such superior intelligence. Yes, I’m jealous. Not.

I’m so amused by all of this, really. I can’t wait to meet people like you in public. I’m going to have to teach my “toadler” how to scream on demand to the delight of any child hating moldy wombs who happen to be around. It’s kind of fun making up demeaning names, isn’t it?

ChildrenSuck November 29, 2007, 9:35 AM

Yep, it’s the most fun you’ll ever have. And besides annoying us, what are you hoping to accomplish to teaching your dropping to scream on demand? It will grow up to be an adult who screams in public. Nice.

Anonymous November 29, 2007, 11:02 AM

To the person who said they would tell a kid that they’re fat and ugly: that sounds like fun. :)

Angie November 29, 2007, 11:15 AM

Hey, I had a thought let’s all meet up at Starbucks, all children haters are welcome! We should all get along and have a good time and discuss our differences.

Angie November 29, 2007, 11:16 AM

Hey, I had a thought let’s all meet up at Starbucks, all children haters are welcome! We should all get along and have a good time and discuss our differences.

Darkpixie2001 November 29, 2007, 11:29 AM

Okie I am a mom. I have a 5, 7 and one on the way. Me and my mother whent out on black friday. we where in line by 4:15am and the lady right behind my had her 3month old Baby with her. We live in Michigan soo it was about 30 degrees out side. then there was other kids once we got into the store. My mom ran into like 4 kids becuase she couldnt see them. Yes i was lucky enough that my Husband was at home to watch the kids. but i do agree that kids should try to be at home for at least for black friday. but going with Mom the rest of the year and to krogers they have to learn to be in public places sometime.

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