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The Childless Bitch on Holiday Shopping

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It's Black Friday and guess who will not be stepping into a mall today? Me!

woman shopping with her kids

It's Black Friday and guess who will not be stepping into a mall today? Me!

That's right, us single, childless gals are rockin' a hangover from a kick-ass post-Thanksgiving party (how was yours?) and will gladly give this bizarre American middle class holiday to you. You can meet at Wal-Mart at 4 in the morning. I am more than happy to let you have the quesadilla maker at 20% off. My gift to you.

But for all the other days I will be in a mall or super-chain megastore, I think it's important to address the mother/child shopping etiquette that needs to take place this holiday season.

First and foremost, leave your child at home!

Shopping is intended to be an enjoyable activity. Why would you want to ruin this experience for yourself, the loved one you've dragged along and - oh, did I mention, every other human being trying to simply buy a gift card?! Listen, we may smile politely but in the back of our minds we're thinking, "Why is that thing in here?"

I get it. You strap your kid in because you think you're making a quick stop at Target, but it never works out. So, since you choose to bring little Jimmy into the hell that is consumer shopping, below are a few rules that should be followed.

1. Those dying bird and abused animal noises you're hearing are coming from your child. Do something about it or I will.
2. No splitting the line. We see you putting your kid in one check-out line and yourself in another to 'beat the system.' This is not clever or original. Let's play by the rules.
3. Dressing rooms are not anatomy class for your children. If your little Tommy peeps his head under my door, I have every right to notify mall security.
4. If you find yourself saying, "Honey, we're almost done here" - you should have left the mall 30 minutes ago. You and your child have already broken at least 3 rules on this list.
5. Aisle 9 - dog leashes. I'm just sayin'.
6. Because you are trying on shoes does not grant your child the right to occupy a seat. This is the one time I will allow her to play on the floor.
7. Leave the doublewide stroller at home. Your marching band of children are taking up the entire aisle and setting the world record for slowest walkers of all time. Get in. Get out. Go home.
8. Do not fuel A.D.D. with Cinnabon.
9. Congratulations! As a parent, you have earned an all-access VIP pass to three hot mall locations - The Child Plastic Playing Area, The Food Court, and Santa's Holiday Village. Enjoy!
10. And last but not least, it's called online shopping. Suck it up and pay the shipping costs. This will not only be a gift to your overall health and well-being this holiday season, but also a kind way for you to give back to your community.




next: Trista's Top 5 Mommy Must-Haves
215 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous November 29, 2007, 11:33 AM

It makes no sense to me why people would bring their kids with them on Black Friday. Isn’t that the day when you’re usually buying gifts for them? Why would you take them with you and make it that much more difficult to hide their presents?

Angie November 29, 2007, 11:38 AM

Hey, to wrote your remark to telling a kid they are fat and ugly, that sounds like fun to you! Is’nt that the kind cruel things the woman on the news did to that poor 13yr old girl and the outcome of that is so terribly sad!

steph November 29, 2007, 12:45 PM

you all are classy, classy people. do you even remember what you were commenting about in the first place? maybe you should all shop from home and spare people your hostilities. kids or no kids, this was the farthest from intelligent commenting i think i’ve ever seen…

steph November 29, 2007, 12:46 PM

you all are classy, classy people. do you even remember what you were commenting about in the first place? maybe you should all shop from home and spare people your hostilities. kids or no kids, this was the farthest from intelligent commenting i think i’ve ever seen…

steph November 29, 2007, 12:47 PM

you all are classy, classy people. do you even remember what you were commenting about in the first place? maybe you should all shop from home and spare people your hostilities. kids or no kids, this was the farthest from intelligent commenting i think i’ve ever seen…

Nicole November 29, 2007, 2:23 PM

I will pray for all of the people with hostilities on this site. It is unfortunate that shopping isn’t always wonderful and enjoyable for everyone, but that is life. Try a tip from the Dali Lama this holiday season, “Follow the three R’s:
Respect for self
Respect for others
and Responsibility for all YOUR actions.”
Try not to worry too much about what other people do to bother you and think about what you can do to make your own life better…

Anonymous November 29, 2007, 5:21 PM

Well Angie, as to that 13 year old….it’s one less nugget on the planet as far as I’m concerned.

Boring November 29, 2007, 5:50 PM

I started reading these comments truly interested in everybody’s point of view on this article, but all the bickering back and forth has made my head spin. Log off the website and take a break, don’t yell at a total stranger. You’re wasting your life. I just wasted about 15 minutes of my life reading these comments…ugh. Someone should start the thread with a warning.

Anonymous November 29, 2007, 5:54 PM

There wouldn’t need to be any bickering if the breeders would just admit that their condom malfunctions annoy everyone around them and should be slapped upside the head on a regular basis.

Anonymous November 29, 2007, 7:51 PM

ugh, grow up already! get off the site and go beat up a pillow if you’re that angry!

Angie November 29, 2007, 8:11 PM

Hey to all the mothers out there if your even bothering still reading this. I just want to say BIG KUDOS to all for what we go through and all the sacrifices we make for our children! Keep your little kiddies safe from harm.
Hope you all have a very nice holiday with your family!


Anonymous November 29, 2007, 9:19 PM

Happy holidays! Hope somebody gets drunk and hits your kid with their car.

Angie November 29, 2007, 10:38 PM

You got some big balls lady or maybe your just a kid! Strange how you choose to talk all big and bad but, didn’t even put a name in for all your evil posts. I really think you need to be reported for the obscene and harrassing posts made here by yourself!

Avontussle November 29, 2007, 10:57 PM

Wow. Someone needs to calm down and take a Midol. Much as I would love to sit here and argue with you some more, I must admit I tire of you, and it would seem that my work here is done. Knowing that my words have kept you riled up for days, Angie, is all the holiday cheer I need. So, to all my CHILDFREE friends, have a safe and happy kid-free holiday. I hope none of your relatives have any little squawkers to ruin your holiday. And to all the childed hags here, have fun cleaning up the wrapping paper and cardboard boxes on Christmas morning.

Toodles,

Avontussle

Angie November 29, 2007, 11:02 PM

Toodles LONELY LOSER!!

BY the way childed is not a word.

Have a rotten holiday and may you blessed with a DUI!

Angie November 29, 2007, 11:03 PM

Toodles LONELY LOSER!!

BY the way childed is not a word.

Have a rotten holiday and may you blessed with a DUI!

Stephanie November 30, 2007, 12:50 PM

Yeah, really - someone else wrote that if she doesn’t like it, she should “refer to her #10” which says ONLINE SHOPPING!!!! I have an 11-month-old son, who, fortunately, is pretty well-behaved. I haven’t really experienced any public nightmares with him yet, but I’m sure there are many to come, lol. My sister has two small children, and I have been front and center for many of their “in-store meltdowns”, but it’s something you just gotta deal with! I never worry about what people are thinking; it’s a public place, a free country, and if you don’t like it - SORRY!

Toni November 30, 2007, 1:16 PM

Wow, talk about hostility. Okay, the rules were simple, but quite honestly, I hate to shop on Black Friday. I have kids and I would NEVER subject them or others to such a nightmare. As far as children in public, yeah, I think they should be allowed. However, I also think parents should remove them if their behavior warrants it. I have. Do I think I’m the minority? Probably not. Perhaps the original writer didn’t get to see the mother take the child home. Then again, I have seen mothers struggling to get the last of their shopping done, just as meltdown occurs. It stinks on either side of the story. I will agree that heelies should NOT be used in an area where they may cause a disturbance. I am looking forward to the day when my kids are ready to be on their own, but until then, they are my responsibiltiy and I am teaching them manners in public.

MOM OF 2 November 30, 2007, 2:50 PM

i COULD BE ULGY AND SAY WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING BUT OUT OF RESPECT FOR THE MOTHER OF hOLIDAY b… I WONT. i PRAY TO GOD THAT SHE REMEMBERS WHAT SHE SAID ON THIS BLOG WHEN SHE BECOMES A MOM AND HAS A CHILD THAT BABBLES IN THAT SWEET WAY THAT THEY DO. EVEN IN A SHOPPING STORE. IF SHE ONLY KNEW…

s November 30, 2007, 3:36 PM

I think homegurl can’t hav any kids so she thinks she can talk all this smack. One day she’s going to wish she had a little one to chase after. I thought her comments were kinda funny b/c she’s obviously stupid.


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