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The Childless Bitch on Holiday Shopping

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It's Black Friday and guess who will not be stepping into a mall today? Me!

woman shopping with her kids

It's Black Friday and guess who will not be stepping into a mall today? Me!

That's right, us single, childless gals are rockin' a hangover from a kick-ass post-Thanksgiving party (how was yours?) and will gladly give this bizarre American middle class holiday to you. You can meet at Wal-Mart at 4 in the morning. I am more than happy to let you have the quesadilla maker at 20% off. My gift to you.

But for all the other days I will be in a mall or super-chain megastore, I think it's important to address the mother/child shopping etiquette that needs to take place this holiday season.

First and foremost, leave your child at home!

Shopping is intended to be an enjoyable activity. Why would you want to ruin this experience for yourself, the loved one you've dragged along and - oh, did I mention, every other human being trying to simply buy a gift card?! Listen, we may smile politely but in the back of our minds we're thinking, "Why is that thing in here?"

I get it. You strap your kid in because you think you're making a quick stop at Target, but it never works out. So, since you choose to bring little Jimmy into the hell that is consumer shopping, below are a few rules that should be followed.

1. Those dying bird and abused animal noises you're hearing are coming from your child. Do something about it or I will.
2. No splitting the line. We see you putting your kid in one check-out line and yourself in another to 'beat the system.' This is not clever or original. Let's play by the rules.
3. Dressing rooms are not anatomy class for your children. If your little Tommy peeps his head under my door, I have every right to notify mall security.
4. If you find yourself saying, "Honey, we're almost done here" - you should have left the mall 30 minutes ago. You and your child have already broken at least 3 rules on this list.
5. Aisle 9 - dog leashes. I'm just sayin'.
6. Because you are trying on shoes does not grant your child the right to occupy a seat. This is the one time I will allow her to play on the floor.
7. Leave the doublewide stroller at home. Your marching band of children are taking up the entire aisle and setting the world record for slowest walkers of all time. Get in. Get out. Go home.
8. Do not fuel A.D.D. with Cinnabon.
9. Congratulations! As a parent, you have earned an all-access VIP pass to three hot mall locations - The Child Plastic Playing Area, The Food Court, and Santa's Holiday Village. Enjoy!
10. And last but not least, it's called online shopping. Suck it up and pay the shipping costs. This will not only be a gift to your overall health and well-being this holiday season, but also a kind way for you to give back to your community.

next: Trista's Top 5 Mommy Must-Haves
215 comments so far | Post a comment now
snopes November 30, 2007, 5:26 PM

A child’s babbling isn’t cute, even though its breeder may think so. A child’s babbling sounds like a pig being led to the slaughter. Once more, and with gusto: shut up your condom malfunction in public or someone else will.

candice November 30, 2007, 5:41 PM

This place is for moms! The name of the website is called (MOM lOGIC!)

Anonymous November 30, 2007, 5:48 PM

Funny name, really. Everyone knows you moms have no logic. That’s why you exist under the delusion that everyone loves your nuggets.

Angie November 30, 2007, 7:43 PM

Then get the EFF off you ****!

Sure are sticking around a long time for someone that hates moms and their children.
I know your just so damn angry that your to ugly and you have a horrid smell that nobody wanted to so called BREED with your face! I’t will be ok don’t worry someone hopefully will want you one day!

Anonymous November 30, 2007, 9:49 PM

Angie, you have GOT to stop talking about yourself like that. Yes, it’s unfortunate that you smell like moldy onions, but you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.

Stephanie November 30, 2007, 9:58 PM

can we all grow up please? gimme a BREAK!

Angie November 30, 2007, 10:50 PM

Real mature there. Couldn’t thing of anything else to say? Stay with the original reason you polluted your being here in the first place and enter our space to begin with. The issue of what an evil child hater you are.

Anonymous November 30, 2007, 11:33 PM

Yep, I hate whining screaming children invading my ear space in public. But you don’t care about the disturbance your kid causes others, because it fell out of your hoo-ha and is therefore perfect and couldn’t POSSIBLY be offensive to anyone. News flash, moo: IT IS. Some of us childfree would like nothing more than to box the kids’ ears when it starts screaming like a wounded animal. So quit walking around stores with a s***-eating grin on your face as you push your doublewide stroller in the way of the other customers. Quit walking around like you’re so entiitled just because you’re a moo.

Angie December 1, 2007, 1:45 AM

I’m over something that keeps posting her words like we really give a hoot, anymore. Plus, why is it you choose not to put a name in here? Ashamed? I’d be to. Also, I actually by the way do think my little baby is perfect! I will teach her however as she grows to behave properly out in public places and everthing else that comes with being a mom!
But, most of all she will know about the evils out there and STRANGER DANGERS! Especially all the SHE-DEVILS such as yourself. One more thing normally I don’t use a double stroller,but probably could now to help with storing my shopping bags and you know most of the time if my little girl is in somebodys way I always pick her up to carry her out of their way! Now this article has made me really think different about the child-less monsters out there so, now I will not accommadate
you by picking up my daughter out of your way. Sometimes though she likes to do cart-wheels it’s so CUUUUTTTTEEE!
Guess you just have to walk around or wait till she gets done.

Anonymous December 1, 2007, 3:20 AM

Or just keep walking and if she gets pushed out of the way, so be it.

Angie December 1, 2007, 4:16 AM

Yah, pretty sure if you were to lay one finger or even look at my child wrong. I would make damn sure you got what was coming to!
Laughing out loud as security takes you away, with my little angel still in the middle of the ailes doing cart-wheels.
If not that then I’m sure her daddy being 6ft would handle the matter that’s his little girl too!

Anonymous December 1, 2007, 4:32 AM

Actually I’m sure her daddy the mailman has places to be and better things to do.

Angie December 1, 2007, 4:46 AM

Think again hun! Just because you sleep around with the mail boys and fed-ex delivery boy doesn’t mean we all do.

Anonymous December 1, 2007, 10:17 AM

Better calm down Angie, before you miscarry Pizza Guy Jr. and upset Mailman Jr. and Plumber Jr.

Angie December 1, 2007, 1:07 PM

There is no need to calm down. I really think your quite funny and a little mentally chanlleged yourself. There is help you know.

Angie December 1, 2007, 3:40 PM

I could give a rats BUM about you!
You choose to go through life being a miserable, self-hatred person that finds it amusing to hurt children.
Whatever gets you through your days!
Well my little girl is taking a nap.
When the mental ward start letting you guys have so much computer time? How special your wasting it here, aww!

Angie December 1, 2007, 7:25 PM

Well I actually am the type of mom that would say someting to some immature, stupid person trying to sound like a kid. If you actually think that would make a child be quiet then you REALLY know what your talking about!
How old are you anyway? Are you going to just keep opening your cobwebbed pie hole here or are you getting ready to hit the hard core party bars? Don’t be late!

Anonymous December 1, 2007, 7:39 PM

Well yes, Angie, I am about to go out. Don’t be jealous. Enjoy being wrist deep in crappy diapers while your failed birth control does cartwheels all over the house.

Angie December 1, 2007, 7:52 PM

My daughters done been out of daipers for a long time now.
I didn’t use birth control I wanted a baby!
MY husband and I go out and have fun with our friends alot.
To choose though I would pick curling up with my daughter by the fire and watching a good movie! That’s what I love. Sorry, you can’t fell what that actually feels like. Sad for you.
Don’t go get yourself a nice DUI there!

Breah December 2, 2007, 4:15 AM


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