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The Childless Bitch on Holiday Shopping

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It's Black Friday and guess who will not be stepping into a mall today? Me!

woman shopping with her kids

It's Black Friday and guess who will not be stepping into a mall today? Me!

That's right, us single, childless gals are rockin' a hangover from a kick-ass post-Thanksgiving party (how was yours?) and will gladly give this bizarre American middle class holiday to you. You can meet at Wal-Mart at 4 in the morning. I am more than happy to let you have the quesadilla maker at 20% off. My gift to you.

But for all the other days I will be in a mall or super-chain megastore, I think it's important to address the mother/child shopping etiquette that needs to take place this holiday season.

First and foremost, leave your child at home!

Shopping is intended to be an enjoyable activity. Why would you want to ruin this experience for yourself, the loved one you've dragged along and - oh, did I mention, every other human being trying to simply buy a gift card?! Listen, we may smile politely but in the back of our minds we're thinking, "Why is that thing in here?"

I get it. You strap your kid in because you think you're making a quick stop at Target, but it never works out. So, since you choose to bring little Jimmy into the hell that is consumer shopping, below are a few rules that should be followed.

1. Those dying bird and abused animal noises you're hearing are coming from your child. Do something about it or I will.
2. No splitting the line. We see you putting your kid in one check-out line and yourself in another to 'beat the system.' This is not clever or original. Let's play by the rules.
3. Dressing rooms are not anatomy class for your children. If your little Tommy peeps his head under my door, I have every right to notify mall security.
4. If you find yourself saying, "Honey, we're almost done here" - you should have left the mall 30 minutes ago. You and your child have already broken at least 3 rules on this list.
5. Aisle 9 - dog leashes. I'm just sayin'.
6. Because you are trying on shoes does not grant your child the right to occupy a seat. This is the one time I will allow her to play on the floor.
7. Leave the doublewide stroller at home. Your marching band of children are taking up the entire aisle and setting the world record for slowest walkers of all time. Get in. Get out. Go home.
8. Do not fuel A.D.D. with Cinnabon.
9. Congratulations! As a parent, you have earned an all-access VIP pass to three hot mall locations - The Child Plastic Playing Area, The Food Court, and Santa's Holiday Village. Enjoy!
10. And last but not least, it's called online shopping. Suck it up and pay the shipping costs. This will not only be a gift to your overall health and well-being this holiday season, but also a kind way for you to give back to your community.




next: Trista's Top 5 Mommy Must-Haves
215 comments so far | Post a comment now
Breah December 2, 2007, 5:11 AM

Wild guess………you must feel unloved. Sad for you! We chose to have children and that is our right, just as it is for you to not have any. So, go away!
This isn’t a chat group for hater’s. Why don’t you find an appropiate site and vent your anger there. We aren’t attacking you. You came to us. Are you perhaps bored or jealous?????? B/C if not, why bother? Heck, if you are that bored go after everyone……Gays, Jews, Christians, Single parents, People that drink milk. I am being sarcastic, but think about it. We are just trying to be better parents and communicate. I am sorry that we “bother” you. But you know what, life is full of things that bother us. But it is also full of wonderment, laughter, silly-ness and JOY. I chose mine in the context of my family. My choice and my freedom. So get over yourself. How selfish of you.! Life happens. Get off your high horse and try to be kind.
Grow up already! Not everyone’s lifestyle is going to be like yours…………..Can You Say “AMERICA????”
Why don’t you contact your mother or foster mother and ask her if you ever had a “melt down” moment at a store, in a security line, out to dinner. I can bet you thousands that you had your moment. So get over it, get out of a parenting sight and get a life! If you have this much energy to be so negative why don’t you channel into something that is good? IE, volunteering, Being a nice person….

Angie December 2, 2007, 2:30 PM

Ya, you know I really don’t need to invent different names here unlike yourself who has not put a name in, except to insult someone else.
I came here for advice from mothers. I can’t believe that a horrid, disgusting individual like you was here on it.
It really shocks that someone with NO CHILDREN would sit and just write posts in a site for parents about hitting, pushing and calling names and stating “hope someone gets drunk and hits your kid with their car!”
Your a real gem!

Anonymous December 2, 2007, 5:18 PM

Hey, I just figured it was about time someone told you how people view your kids. The only people who will fawn over them are fellow breeders.

Victoria December 3, 2007, 2:19 PM

Guys, be nice to poor woman. She has nothing else to do than to write something like this, she will never hear “I love you, mommy”… I feel bad for her - not having children voluntarily is the worst thing a woman can do to herself. I was laughing the whole time I was reading it, because she has a good sense of humor. Don’t take it personally, we all try to control our kids, but it doesn’t always work. Unfortunately, you can’t explain it to somebody who doesn’t have one, so why even try. Most of people are really nice about it even if they don’t have kids. Enjoy your shopping season and don’t let anybody ruin yours and your precious monster’s mood!

40mom December 3, 2007, 2:49 PM

Wow, Childless Bitch! I’m sorry if your family didn’t teach you the basic respect for human life that allows you to differentiate between people an animals (see your comments on dog leashes and breeders.) It’s hard to feel sympathy for someone as self-involved as you seem to be. Even if you can’t relate to having children of your own, you must, somewhere in the deepest recesses of your psyche, be aware of the fact that once you too, were a child. Perhaps your mother beat you for the smallest public display in a mall store, or dragged you around on a leash, but I’m willing to bet that is not the case. Or perhaps you remember yourself as a perfect little princess, incapable of evoking annoyance and disgust from perfect strangers. (I’m sure this is also not the case, and by the way, you don’t seem to have out grown those capabilities.) My only hope is that my child and I don’t run into YOU in the mall and ruin our Christmas while you drone on about the inappropriate behavior of others. Oh, and by the way, since you don’t have the burden of having any children, perhaps your time would be better spent thinking of more thoughtful presents than giftcards, instead of nursing your bitterness and your hangovers. Happy holidays!

Anonymous December 3, 2007, 3:07 PM

Just make sure you keep your stupid kid away from me while I’m trying to shop.

sara December 3, 2007, 7:47 PM

Wow,
Everyone is so angry.I don’t understand why the author of the article feels such a need to defend her words (on a MOM’S WEBSITE…….baffeling). It’s her opinion (although I stongly disagree) and that’s it. She writes with a scathing ignorant tone and seems as though she only wants to rile every one (and its working). Don’t give her the satisfaction.

Take what she wrote as well as her comments with a grain of salt. She just seems like a “glass is half empty kind of person”.

May she find some kind of inner peace (or life)in the future.

Bille December 3, 2007, 10:01 PM

Question to all you “Moms”: Why do you have to torture your children and drag them with you to go shopping? Judging by the endless wailing and ear drum rupturing screeching, not to mention the constant whining and begging with maternal follow up threats and/or bribes, children DO NOT LIKE GOING SHOPPING WITH MOM BECAUSE IT IS BOOOOOOORING. So, where are the “Dads”? Hand junior to his or her male elder and jet your Mommywagon to the mall. And when you come shlepping home, laden with goods no one really wants or needs you will hear the sweetest “I love you Mommy” from your bunch.
Oh, I forgot, what about shopping online? That’s where I get my deals, 4 o’clock in the morn, in bed, and I get to shmooze with the guy afterwards.

Anonymous December 3, 2007, 10:38 PM

Well because, if they left pwecious widdle Caitlin, or Kaitlynn, or Keightlynne, or Katelin, or however they’re “creatively” spelling it these days, at home with the sperm donors, who would pay attention to them while they’re out? What would be the point of going out if you can’t shove your baby in a stranger’s face and demand that they fawn over it? They don’t give a flying f*** that the kids are bored, as long as enough people tell them how cuuuuuuuuuuute their kids are.

Anonymous December 3, 2007, 10:42 PM

LOL at the “creative” moo spellings for names. Don’t forget Aiden, Baiden, Cayden, Fayden, Hayden, Jaiden, Kaiden, and Peyton. You know how the breeders love that “ayton” sound at the end of a name.

Anita December 5, 2007, 12:43 PM

Wow. Just wow.

First off, I am a mother. However, that does not make me ‘special’ - my family and I still have to obey the rules of common courtesy while in public. I, too, get disgusted at times by parents ignoring their children and having them run wild while in stores and in restaurants. During my pregnancy a couple of months ago, I was actually knocked to the ground by a child in heelies while at Costco. What was the parent’s response? Quickly run away - no checking to see if the victim was okay, not a word to the child (they pretended not to know their child - their kid ran off in a different direction). So yes, I think the author has made some VERY valid points. Some people (not all - lets not forget the parents that are doing it right!) seem to forget that they have to teach their children how to behave now, so that they can be decent adults.

Secondly, hasn’t anyone ever heard of trolling? The comments here have spiraled out of control. I’m getting annoyed reading both comments from both sides of the fence. People, just stop replying to any non-constructive posts, and it will end.

Anita December 5, 2007, 12:44 PM

Wow. Just wow.

First off, I am a mother. However, that does not make me ‘special’ - my family and I still have to obey the rules of common courtesy while in public. I, too, get disgusted at times by parents ignoring their children and having them run wild while in stores and in restaurants. During my pregnancy a couple of months ago, I was actually knocked to the ground by a child in heelies while at Costco. What was the parent’s response? Quickly run away - no checking to see if the victim was okay, not a word to the child (they pretended not to know their child - their kid ran off in a different direction). So yes, I think the author has made some VERY valid points. Some people (not all - lets not forget the parents that are doing it right!) seem to forget that they have to teach their children how to behave now, so that they can be decent adults.

Secondly, hasn’t anyone ever heard of trolling? The comments here have spiraled out of control. I’m getting annoyed reading both comments from both sides of the fence. People, just stop replying to any non-constructive posts, and it will end.

Anonymous December 5, 2007, 5:51 PM

Amen, NK! :) Let’s everybody clap for NK! Childfree is the way to be!

Pam December 6, 2007, 3:02 PM

Yes, I am the one who brings their child shopping. But only when I don’t have someone to watch him. Do you think I enjoy his whinning any more than you? Not only NO, but even more than you, NO!
Sometimes you have to shop for something you can not wait for (like diapers, etc..) and yes, you have to bring little angel with you. If you have a problem with that then stay out of the stores. YOU do the online thing. Perhaps a bit of compassion for the struggling mother is in order here. And if you think you or anyone else is going to do anything to my kid, BRING IT!!! No mother on earth will let you walk away alive if you harm their children in any way! All this being said, YES, I do understand your frustration….more than you do. As for the party, you can have it, been there done that. I’m not missing anything. That same old scene will be there when I’m ready to return to it. As for now, I left it because I have more important things to do, like raise my child. I’ll take satisfaction in teaching him to behave in public by taking him in public just because I know it will upset you.

NKBurlington December 6, 2007, 4:16 PM

I see they removed my post. The truth hurts, eh.

I don’t know why I’m bothering with this one - no one will ever see it.

Censorship is alive and well. Nice.

Angie December 7, 2007, 12:52 AM

What’s your name?

I don’t believe you are a real person.
I think someone involved in creating this website and the articles in here are the ones posting these awful comments. To get more traffic perhaps on this website for mom’s. I’ve checked out a lot of other site’s for mom’s and never has there been remarks about abuse toward kids that was even allowed to be posted completely flagged as inappropriate!
There is no way a real genuinely, decent-able person would or could say what this woman says!

WHAT IS WITH THE ABUSE REMARKS ALL THE TIME BY YOU LAST POSTER!!!
Maybe you just need a good down to earth BEATING!!

Anonymous December 7, 2007, 1:30 AM

Last time I checked, I was a real person. The abuse remarks are because I don’t think kids today are beaten enough. Discipline needs to be the way it was in the ’50s, when kids knew how to shut their mouth and behave in public and not annoy their elders.

NKBurlington December 7, 2007, 7:26 AM

I agree the abuse remarks a bit over the top - to say the least - and give all CF people a bad name.

With remarks like I’ve seen here in the past few days, it’s no wonder people think we hate and abuse children.

Anonymous December 9, 2007, 9:43 AM

sign me up osama

Dark-Star December 10, 2007, 11:09 AM

Dead on. I salute the author for having nerve to post this on a mother’s website.

The way MOST kids behave today in public makes me want to get a ticket to Mars on some days. Based on numerous stories from grandparents, teachers, and elderly friends, there used to be a code of behaving in public that everyone but the local teenage punks or that one family that just didn’t care about anything.

The ‘code’ went something like, “When a young person under 13 is out in public, s/he is to shut their mouths unless spoken to by someone, keep their hands @ their sides or in their pockets unless given something to eat/drink/hold, and stay within 10 feet of a parent.”

Kids who didn’t follow this simple, reasonable ‘code’ experienced IMMEDIATE consequences. Besides being paddled or grounded by the parents, they could be scolded harshly by legitimately irritated strangers. A mom who, say, defended her kid for running into an old lady (saw it happen) would once have been ostracized and whispered about behind her back for not making her kid behave.

Now? We don’t *dare* tell a kid to quit screaming or ‘hands off’ (even store managers are hesitant!) in order to not invite some b—-h screaming at us for our ‘meddling’. I have seen dozens of kids run down store aisles while their moms to the 10-count that the kid knows has no teeth to it - kids are smart like that. They scream like they’re in a rock concert. They drive the rest of us crazy, and we can’t do squat. Do the public a favor and either make your kids behave by any means necessary - including spanking - or leave them at home. If they ‘need’ to run and shriek, take them to a playground or park.

A final note, to 40mom: Yes, in “the deepest recesses” of our minds, we remember being kids. If we are honest with ourselves, we also remember causing all kinds of hell in order to get toys or candy, or just because we refused to walk by mommy with our mouths zipped. Having been a child once upon a time does not excuse those who ~are~ children ~now~ from ANYTHING!


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