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I Saw the "Childless Bitch" Shopping!

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Guest Momologue response: Yesterday, I was doing some holiday shopping at the mall with my kids, and I bumped into the “Childless Bitch!

devilwoman.jpg

mamaloveshopping writes: "I’m pretty sure it was her, because she kept muttering “goddamn breeder” and “crotch fruit” under her breath while glaring at my 3-year-old, who immediately started to cry, “Mommy, that lady is sooo mean!” Gee, kids really do say the darndest things.

But the truth is, she turned my pleasant shopping experience into a real drag. So, here are a few tips for you Sexless in the City gals who decide to venture into the malls during the holiday rush.

1. Please don’t frighten my children. As a parent, I vigilantly protect my kids from scary and unpleasant imagery. I don’t want them to have nightmares of angry, embittered women skulking through malls in hot pursuit of the latest lip plumper they read about in Cosmo.

2. Those impatient cartoon noises you make while I’m trying to get my kids out of your self-entitled way aren’t going to make us move any faster. What’s your hurry, anyway? The bars stay open ‘til two—plenty of time for you to get sh*t-faced with your other childless friends and throw up in your purse.

3. And hey, I know you’ve had a hard night of partying and you reek of cigarette smoke, but please don’t get too near my child. Secondhand smoke kills, not to mention secondhand smoke on trendy secondhand clothes.

4. The holidays are a time for family and togetherness, not for sad lonely women who hate children and probably their own families—assuming someone in your clan has procreated. If you can’t handle the normal hustle and bustle of the Season of Giving–get out of the mall.

5. When you’re alone in the crowded food court (which is probably often), don’t sit yourself down at a table meant for four. If there are no seats available, then please, feel free to eat your meal on the go. That way, you can high-tail it out of the mall that much faster.

Oh, and last, but not least, follow your own advice: It’s called online shopping. Suck it up and pay the shipping costs. This will not only be a gift to your overall health and well-being this holiday season, but also a kind way for you to give back to your community.

And, if you ever change your mind and have children (Honey, believe it or not, the odds are good), those of us with children wish upon you a colicky baby and a temper tantrum-prone toddler—you’ll love them just as we love our children, but then you can endure the heartless comments of women just like you.

But for now, please be warned: Me, my kids and my stroller are at the mall to kick some shopping ass—so get outta our way."



next: Boy, That's a Nice Kitchen!
46 comments so far | Post a comment now
Lori December 10, 2008, 1:51 PM

Nicely written article!!!

Jami January 8, 2009, 4:04 PM

Crotch fruit !!! My weak bladder muscles , the levee is breaking ! Let’s wish on her a weak bladder too , yes endless runing streams of urine as she slowly realizes she can Kegel exercise for the next ten years, non stop , and wind up with labia majora to make Popeye jealous, but none the less enough accidents to keep Depends in business !

Anonymous October 28, 2009, 8:43 AM

buncha haters. a “breeder” had you although i have no idea why. as if you would ever hit a baby for crying. colic is a stomachache that you cannot fix you just have to wait it out.

n00bPWNer August 2, 2010, 7:49 PM

“And, if you ever change your mind and have children (Honey, believe it or not, the odds are good)”

Well, look what we have here, another mundane m00b who thinks she knows better and that *gasp* most of the child-free will change their minds. Man, I’m so sick of you breeders trying to bingo the living daylights out of the child-free. We know our own minds. Shut the hell up.

Jewel August 2, 2010, 8:33 PM

This woman is absolutely frightening. She sounds like she’s harboring a ton of resentment about being a mother. I feel sorry for her child.

Nichele August 14, 2010, 12:13 PM

Man, how do you even know the woman was childfree? Maybe she has one or two and can’t stand people who can’t keep their own kids in check. Yours were probably running all over the damn place being obnoxious. Yeah, believe it or not, parents can get tired of other people’s kids. I know I do.

So before you decide who is childfree and what they do in their spare time (lol! now how the hell would you know)why don’t you work on making sure your children mind their manners while out in public?


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