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The Childless Bitch on Gift Giving

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Editor's note: Once again, our favorite Grinch on estrogen has sent us her nasty little holiday tips, and once again, she pisses us off.  Hey, we know we should delete her emails, but we just can't. She's like a a train-wreck, we can't look away. Herewith, the latest missive from CB:

Hey kids: Have yourself a giftless little Christmas.

For this Season of Giving I'm in the mood to spread a little holiday cheer. And what could be more cheerful than talking about buying presents? How about...not buying presents? Let's be honest. About 90% of your holiday shopping list is filled with people you don't want to buy gifts for. I like to call these people the "have-to's." You know the type--your boss, your kid's librarian, your mother-in-law. Or in my case, YOUR children. Yes, your little precious gems are burning a hole in my pocket. And I can't even tell them apart.

It's time to put a stop to this madness. Haven't I done enough already? Besides the millions of gifts I've given for every one of your milestones (Remember your promise ring party?), I cheered at the soccer game, bought lousy gift-wrap for the school fundraiser, and even worse, rode in your minivan. The truth is, I have to give a gift to your child because YOU will judge me, NOT Poo Pants.

Because of this unspoken truth, I am filling your stockings with a naughty little list of why I will not be giving your child a gift this year.

1) I'm Not Friends With Your Child.

I don't know if you remember this, but you and I chose to be friends. I didn't realize back then you hated birth control so much. Just because they came from you doesn't mean they come with you. Please note: This includes your somewhat creepy husband.

2) No Matter What I Get Them, Your Gift To Me Will Not Be Equal.

Do the math! Trudging through the war zone that is Toys R Us for two Cabbage Patch Dolls and a Nintendo Wii does not come close to a mani & pedi gift certificate. I don't care if it includes gratuity. Let's face it, the single girl always gets screwed!

3) They Have No Clue How To Receive a Gift.

You managed to teach your Mini-Me how to read and eat solid foods, but somehow forgot to show her how to properly open a gift. Throwing that hard-to-find Dora Whatever-Her-Name-Is on the ground and screaming "I already have this!" doesn't exactly inspire me to run out and buy her more crap.

4) I am practicing a green way of life, and would prefer not to contribute to unwanted waste in the world.

Have you seen your living room? One look at that toy-littered tornado pit is enough to have your house declared a natural disaster. My extra present may be the one that gets your house condemned. It's for your own good. And you're right, you totally don't spoil your children. Not at all.

5) He Peed In My Car.

6) You're Only Using Me.

I'm on to you. You're the greedy one and want ME to help YOU compete against Perfect PTA Mom Down the Street who gave her kid a real-life Transformer last year.

7) He Doesn't Know My Name Anyway.

8) Your Gift Suggestions Are Coldly Calculated.

Last year, when I asked if there was anything in particular I could get your kids for Christmas, that was your signal to say something like, "Oh...I don't don't have to!" Instead, you chose to name all the gifts you couldn't find, and forgot to mention I'd have to stand in the cold for three hours to get them.

9) What Do I Know About Safe Toys?

Recall this...Lead that. Age-appropriate toys?! No matter what I get them, it will just end up in their mouth. I'd rather save you a trip to the emergency room.

10) Last but not least, somewhere in the middle of dancing with a stripper at your bachelorette party and crocheting a new throw for your ducky-themed nursery, you completely forgot how to give a truly good gift. Well, lucky for you I'm feeling extra generous this year!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a giftless night!

Tomorrow: The Childless Bitch's top 10 list of what not to buy your single girlfriends.

next: Last-Minute Holiday Dress Tip
5 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous December 18, 2007, 2:03 PM

Totally agree with the author. Breeders are never grateful when you give their f*** trophies presents. And the little brats are never grateful either. Makes me want to tell them there’s no Santa, and that their parents have been lying to them for years.

Anonymous December 18, 2007, 3:37 PM

God, I’m a mom, but I know these people she describes as well ! In fact some of them are my relatives. My sons and I always give their kids carefully chosen, often quite expensive gifts for birthdays, easter, christmas and what do my boys get back ? If you said “cheap crap” now, you’re a winner. And of course, I taught my sons to say “thank you” or write a nice letter to auntie so-and-so who gave them a generous gift. Certain parents of our tribe apparently never bothered to teach their brats accordingly. What we get from them is a mumbled “Th..(unintelligible)” or absolutely no reaction. Even if they clearly enjoy the gift.

And if you ask me why I don’t follow the Childless Bitch’s advise to leave the ingrates giftless ….. I have no idea ! Maybe it would be quite good for them if we just make a donation in their name this year to any charity of our choice and see how they react then !

Ferleasea December 18, 2007, 3:56 PM

i so agree with u and damn those brats thinkinf im to give them wat they wants and for having my parents lie to me and my kids think i i am no honest. whatever

Anna September 4, 2008, 10:44 PM

wha… you would give someone elses kid a nintendo wii. Now I just think you are stupid. What of someone giving their kid’s librarian a gift? Your nuts. Instead of giving your freinds kids something expensive give them something worth under $15. This way you offend no one. Seriously, any person you are required to give something to, just give them something cheap. I thought that everyone knew this but apparently not.

Jenny September 5, 2008, 3:33 PM

Do people really want to be friends with you? Id be afraid you would physically or mentally abuse my child when I went to use the rest room….shoot scratch that, I would be too scared to leave my child with you while I went to use the rest room.

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