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The Childless Bitch on Going to the Movies

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Editors' Note: Seriously, what is wrong with this woman?! She just loves sending us her rants. You know another thing we bet she loves? Cats. She probably has about 10 or 20. All "CBs" have a multitude of felines. Anyway, take a deep breath and read on...
"Now that the presents have been opened and our bellies are full, there's only one thing left to do this holiday season--go to the movies! That's right, we've moved from togetherness at the mall to togetherness at the movies. Moms, dads, grandparents, children of all ages and yes, even I will be at your local movie theater this week. To help make everyone's holiday movie experience as enjoyable as possible, I have jotted down a little list...

Besides the usual "No Smoking," "No Talking," and "Remember to Turn Your Cell Phone Off," below are a few rules they SHOULD play before the feature presentation:

1. Do not bring your child to an R-rated movie: You may think they're too young to understand, but when your child ends up in jail from emulating the Saw movies, don't pretend like it's not your fault.

2. Stop all Picnic Moms! You know the type, besides the common penny-pinching mom who brings her own microwavable popcorn, these moms jam everything in their purses from the loudest candy wrappers known to man to leftovers from last night's dinner. Earth to Ancient Mom! They do sell food at the movies, you know. What could be better than nachos and cheese in a cup?!

3. Quarantine your child! Just because the doctor said he's not 'contagious' doesn't mean we want to hear the kid coughing throughout the movie. I don't care how happy you are that his congestion is finally running out his nose - a movie is no way to celebrate.

4. First come, first serve! I know you bundle your little snow angels up in a million articles of clothing just so you can save 65 seats for your daughter's basketball team. Using your kids as seat holders. Have you no shame?

5. You kid's laughing and crying sound the same to me: The exit signs are conveniently displayed. Walk toward the neon light.

6. This is not the week to test whether or not little Maggie can sit through a big-kid movie: Speeding up the growing process doesn't help you regain a piece of your single life.

7. Say no to super sizing! I don't care how expensive the concession stand is--one enormous soda and 10 straws is not a good idea. Not only are the floors sticky because you're cheap, but you just had to get up three times during the movie to utilize the free refills. I hope your 10-year-old still wears diapers, because I'm not moving my purse again.

8. Bring a seat belt: How is it possible that you cannot see your child grabbing and kicking the back of my seat? Is it too much to ask for an 'I'm Sorry.' You must be confused. When I turn around a glare at your child, I am not scouting for the cover of Perfect Child Magazine. Although I think I just found a candidate for Annoying Mothers Monthly.

9. One adult per child: While you think you're Super Mom and doing a service by bringing the entire neighborhood of children to the theater, there is no way you can control an entire aisle of 8-year-olds. My cup holder is full of kiddy puke thanks to over-ambitious moms like you.

10. And last but not least, embrace the matinee: These tickets are cheaper for a reason.

The following is a list of current movies you are more than welcome to attend with your munchkins this week: Alvin & The Chipmunks. Done.

Remember, silence is golden."

next: Surviving the Day After "Christmas Crash"
46 comments so far | Post a comment now
Karen December 26, 2007, 12:37 PM

I will admit, I am a ‘Picnic Mom.’ But come on, the cost of popcorn is ridiculous!

Christy December 26, 2007, 2:10 PM

I found myself laughing at the ignorance displayed. Obviously the world is a better place that you have no children, because you certainly have no clue as to what you are talking about. I have 3 children of my own, I try to be conscience of others around me and their feelings, and I always point out people like you and tell me children that we have to “feel sorry for people like that”. Enough said.

Anonymous December 26, 2007, 2:55 PM

Why do you people keep fueling the fire! Stop posting this woman’s comments. We think she does this just to get attention. Much like our children, lol. Come on I know you other moms know how to deal with this child like behavior. Ignore it!

Michelle December 26, 2007, 3:28 PM

People, it’s a joke.

shekinah December 26, 2007, 3:32 PM

Actually, I agreed with parts of this article and laughed at the rest because I have seen some of this myself. The one adult per child is just a bit overboard but… I happen to agree with her on not taking your young child to an R rated movie. If you want them to see it, wait until it comes out on dvd so you can discuss it at home as you are watching it. Also, please, seriously, if your child is sick, DON’T bring them to the movies. No one else wants your child’s germs. If your child is being noisy, remove him/her to the lobby. Tickets are too expensive to not be able to hear because of a crying child or an over-talkative one. If they are too young to sit and watch the movie without disturbing others, wait for the dvd to be released.

Jennifer December 26, 2007, 3:32 PM

Too bad they don’t have movie theaters for humans like her who not only don’t have kids but are just generally critical, unhappy with themselves and life in general! Talk about anal retentive! If going to a movie theater is such a miserable experience for her I suggest she rent the DVD or pay per view and STAY HOME! Or maybe I should bring my autistic sons and sit in front of her!! ha ha ha!

Walter December 26, 2007, 5:31 PM

The whole rule about the R rated movie is ridiculous. To keep your child from seeing R rated content only sheilds them from reality, and makes most of what they show in those movies, seem cool to your children. If your afraid that your child will be corrupted by this content then think again, by exposing them to this at an early age, you can then explain to them why these things are bad and why they should not do them. If you keep them from these things at an early age, your going to have a hell of a time telling they why they shouldn’t when they have to start dealing with them in their teen years.

Nick December 26, 2007, 5:43 PM

Yes, because most rated R movies contain reality-based plots (sarcasm).

I’m glad I’m not the only one who shares the views in this article. I could care less if you bring a picnic in your purse, but at least be quiet while you eat. It’s $9 here to watch a movie. I bought the ticket to watch the movie on a large screen without the coughing, wrapper noises, laughing during serious parts, vice versa, cell phones, kicks in the back, crying babies, and 1 and a half hour conversations. If I had a 35 foot screen at home, I’d be more than happy to not endure the typical movie theater experience thanks to the general public and their disrespect for those around them.

Nick December 26, 2007, 5:44 PM

Yes, because most rated R movies contain reality-based plots (sarcasm).

I’m glad I’m not the only one who shares the views in this article. I could care less if you bring a picnic in your purse, but at least be quiet while you eat. It’s $9 here to watch a movie. I bought the ticket to watch the movie on a large screen without the coughing, wrapper noises, laughing during serious parts, vice versa, cell phones, kicks in the back, crying babies, and 1 and a half hour conversations. If I had a 35 foot screen at home, I’d be more than happy to not endure the typical movie theater experience thanks to the general public and their disrespect for those around them.

mother of 1 December 26, 2007, 7:00 PM

i COMPLETELY, 100% agree with this woman. whomever she is, fake or real. Who takes a young child to a rated R movie? why don’t you save that money and upgrade to cable so your child has PLENTY of kid-friendly stuff to watch on tv?
It’s those kids who go to school reenacting inappropriate scenes for other children, forcing them to want to grow up too soon. They’re rated R for a reason.
And seriously it’s mothers like that, who try and cut corners by bringing your own snacks to a movie theater, who are responsible for higher ticket prices. How else do you think they pay the employees who end up scraping gum off the seats?

Susi December 26, 2007, 7:33 PM

I completely agree with this rant. As a mom of two preschoolers, it’s a lucky night when hubby and I get a babysitter so we can watch a grown-up movie. We go to get away, not to be bombarded by everyone else’s kids. And for kids in R-rated movies, I’ve seen kids cry, scream and be generally terrorized by them - that’s showing a kid reality? I bet those moms found out the reality of having to wake up every 2 hours with kids having nightmares. If you want to take your kids to a movie, then by all means take them to the kids’ movies where they belong and where they will be happiest. Keep them out of my much-needed date night.

Susi December 26, 2007, 7:45 PM

Oh, and in addition to my previous post: If my husband and I want to go to a movie made for grown-ups but we don’t have a babysitter, guess what! WE DON’T GO! We wait until we have a babysitter or until we can rent the DVD and watch it after the kids go to bed. We don’t drag along our overtired, unwilling kids to the theater at 9pm. Isn’t that just a novel idea?

Jana December 26, 2007, 8:26 PM

I am a mother of three and I agree that kids should not be in rated R movies. But some of the other points pertain to all people, not just children. Adults chat in movies more than any kid I’ve ever seen, not to mention the coughing, laughing, seat-saving and small bladders. People large and small are annoying when it comes to that stuff.

One last thing - it’s none of your business if I bring my own snacks, as long as we’re quiet. So for the mom who’s concerned about ticket prices - deal with it.

Kasi December 27, 2007, 10:22 AM

Yeah this lady just needs to get a life…nobody’s perfect…you’re just targeting those of us with children and stereotyping a life you know nothing about…Instead of going through life and picking out every little think to be pissed off about…focus on the things you enjoy and practice some compassion and understanding this holiday season.

BB December 27, 2007, 2:59 PM

As a mom of three I AGREE with the rant. All of it. Having children does not justify irritating all around us. Too many people are misinformed that everyone else thinks their children’s misbehvior and bad manners are cute. I would be mortified for my children to irritate someone else. They need to be taught how to act appropriatly and should stay at home if they cannot. Goes for church as well.

Rachel December 27, 2007, 8:17 PM

For the people who disagree with the article, i understand you don’t know how to controll your children. That is fine with me, but please ,oh please don’t bring your children to a movie, especiallly a movie that is rated R! The last thing i need to hear at 8pm on a 9.00 ticket and 5 dollar popcorn is a crying ,screaming, coughing, laughning and every anoying thing a child could do during a G or PG. Don’t down the woman who is telling you what is wrong with your children in a theater. Take her advice. I’m not renting a movie when i can see it on big screen. PLEASE!

Anonymous December 28, 2007, 11:46 AM

Childless bitch ? No way ! As a mom of two I’m sure all of these rules come from another mom. It’s simply sane advice. If this really was written by a childless person, she’d make a great parent.

tigger December 29, 2007, 12:21 AM

Why the heck is this women even on a website geared towards mothers in the first place????? She obviously has NO CLUE about life with little ones.
I do agree on NOT taking your children to an “R” rated movie.
The rest of her “novel” “advice” sounds like a bunch of cold hearted bitterness, spewing forth from a poisoned well, slamming motherhood.
She obviously has NOT been housebound with a child/children who has been sick for three weeks!!! You better believe as soon as that child is NOT contagious I am going out!!! If YOU don’t want to hear my child….MOVE!!!! PLEASE, do us all a favor and GO AWAY!!!
As far as the “picnic mom” label….I can’t print what I WANT to say about that. Suffice it to say though, the prices for the food in theaters is INSANE!!! Of course it’s a lot cheaper when you’re “eating for one”. Don’t rag on those of us who like to/have to save money. Again, if the sound of the wrappers or the beauty of my children’s laughter irritates you….MOVE…PLEASE…FAR FAR AWAY!!! Oh, and you had better NOT glare at my child!!!! That is walking on thin ice sister!!!
Why doesn’t this women just mind her own business instead of sticking her nose into an area of life she so obviously knows NOTHING about???!!!

Anonymous December 29, 2007, 9:31 AM

God, I can’t believe how someone like “Tigger” is allowed to be a mom and take care of children. As unbalanced and aggressive as she sounds I bet her kids are unfortunately those we all are so annoyed of. If someone only glares a her kids then she already has a hysteric fit and makes thinly veiled threats ? Are you sure you don’t need a psychiatrist, “sister” ?

And please don’t give me any bs about how I don’t know anything about being a parent - I am one and my kids surely don’t get angry glares because I make sure they behave themselves when they’re out in public. And for the record I agree with what is said in the rant above. Including the part about bringing your own food.

Sad as it is, I slowly come to understand why some people without kids are getting so fed up. Moms like “Tigger” create an atmosphere where others feel their rights to a quiet movie experience are trampled upon and they become rightfully angered. It’s really unfortunate because we others who are polite enough to respect those around us are getting lumped into the same category as the rude and self-centered parents.

tigger December 29, 2007, 2:56 PM

Gee lady…..I am merely defending the position of Motherhood, and all the ups and downs that go with it, the good, the bad and the ugly.This is reality.
ANYBODY that goes to a movie (those with children and those without) need to be prepared to deal with the fact that there just may be young ones surrounding them.
As to my children…they ARE VERY well behaved and we get compilments frequently. But are they perfect??? UH,NO. They are children just like yours who have their good days and their bad days. Are YOUR children perfect EVERYTIME you go out???? I would bet a million dollars that they aren’t.It is no reflection on you or them. It’s just life. Sorry to hear that there are so many who are having a hard time accepting this fact.
As far as the whole “glaring thing”: What kind of an adult glares at a little child who is bumping their seat??? If that person wasn’t so passive/aggressive they would glare at the rightful person…the parents. But lets rise above glaring shall we? What is so awful about simply turning around and asking the mom to PLEASE have the child stop??? Or is that too sophisticated? Let me ask you this? Are you in the habit of letting people glare at or make rude comments to your “angels” when they are having a bad day???? I’m just a mamma bear protecting her cubs(especially from those that feel it necessary to attack children). The bottom line is this: this is a free country. Why should we mother’s be expected to aquiese(sp?)to some premenstrual women’s list of do’s and don’t’s? The mature thing to do is either communicate or move. Simple as that.
By the way, I find it VERY POOR LOGIC and quiet distasteful to jugde someone’s parenting skills, based on a blog directed towards someone else’s aggressive comments. Please, tell me on what grounds you are basing your opinions on?

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