An expert weighs in on Joy Divorced Luck Club's custody (dis)agreement.

Yesterday, we brought you the divorce diary What Happens to the Kids. In it, Joy Divorced Luck Club tries to get through her own pain while sharing the kids with her ex.

We called in Dr. Pamela Varady to get JDLC the help she needs in figuring it all out. "She is still very hurt, anxious and angry and that actually has more to do with why they're not adjusting well than the transitioning between houses. She has control issues--she's worried about what's happening when the kids are at his place. She needs to stop worrying whether he's following through with rules and structure and worry about what's happening at her house. She admits to having trouble with her own structure. Whether it's due to guilt or loneliness, she needs be consistent."

Dr. Varady has these suggestions for JDLC:

• Don't use the kids to get back at each other. Ask yourself with every decision you make, "Am I putting the kids first?" If you can't answer that definitively, you're doing something wrong.

• Co-parenting classes together and therapy separately. They are tools to help you create joint parenting guidelines.

• Same rules, separate houses. Draw up a page that spells out rules you both plan to follow. Agree that you'll greet each other warmly, have the kids call the other parent once a day, and stick to rules agreed upon by both of you.

• Include each other in every day life. During drop off, invite the other parent in. Talk about what the kids did that day. Show the kids that although we don't love each other in that way anymore, we're still a family. If you make brownies with the kids, wrap some up to share with Daddy. If they make a project at one house, be sure to make one for the other parent. If something funny happens during your time with the kids, encourage them to call Daddy to tell him about it. The more you include the other parent in your day, the less anxiety they'll get from you.

• Figure out a schedule. Kids that age, at 2 and 4 years old, ought not to go more than two days without seeing a parent. To go more than two days causes anxiety. So, if you can't work out a more consistent agreement during the week, the parent they aren't staying with needs to visit at least every couple of days in order for the kids to feel OK."

In addition, Dr. Varady says issues, including financial, outside of the kids need to be settled. "You need to make a choice and be willing to lose. People who have this kind of animosity, distance and rage years later will still have animosity, distance and rage."