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PiscesGrandma, My Daughter is NOT Your Doll
My mother is playing "dress up" with my daughter and it's not cool.
Momlogic's Andrea: When my daughter was 10 months old, my mother came over to babysit while I ran some errands. I was grateful. She also came bearing gifts for Lily for which I was not grateful: A denim mini-skirt with sequins and a glittery tank top emblazoned with "Princess in Training." Not really my style. I'm not into the baby Bratz doll look. Up until that point, Lily's wardrobe had been simple--as if she was attending a perpetual yoga class--Jersey pants and long sleeved t-shirts. I wanted her to be comfortable. I figured she had enough to contend with, without snaps and buttons gouging her when she crawled.
I politely told my Mother I appreciated the outfit but I didn't think it was right for Lily and put it back in the box. (There's a little more to this than meets the eye--my Mom all through my childhood forced me wear things I hated and sometimes was even embarrassed to wear. It was a constant battle of will that, among many other things, wore down our relationship.) "Don't you want her to try it on?" pleaded my mother. "No, Mom, I really don't. She's fine with what she's wearing," I said firmly, and thinking it was settled, left the house.The next week I was at my parent's house when I noticed a picture of Lily I had never seen. It was a photo of my baby girl in the "miniature street walker" outfit I had nixed a week before! My mother, so determined to get her way, put my daughter in the outfit and snapped a photo.
Wait, how many times does my mother get to be the Mom?! I think just once. But I guess she thinks being a grandmother gives her the right to override my wishes. Does it?
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I draw the line at anything that encourages that “princess” thing too. Your mother knew you wouldn’t like it and did it anyway. You’re right, first time is her choice but Lily is yours to screw up however you see fit. :)
I don’t think that it is so simple. The author is upset because her own mother disrepcted her and now there is a question in her mind about “gees when I say no chocolate—how much chocolate is she going to feed my kid.”
Andrea, you are totally in the right. I am so annoyed by grandmothers who disrespect their daughters by trying to parent their grandchildren. It’s up to the REAL parent to determine what the baby gets to wear, eat, do, etc. It makes me so mad when my mom or MIL tries to tell me what’s best for my baby or tries to tell me about her personality or behavior. Hello? I’M her mother!
And Princess attire? With sequins? That’s AWFUL! A good mother would never let her daughter be exposed to such monstrosities. It’s actually kind of creepy that your mother snuck a shot of Lily in the ugly get-up. I think that you need to make it clear to her that you do have rules about what your children wear. You can try to do it in a loving way. If you don’t address this now, then she will continue to buy Lily ugly clothes. At some point Lily will want to wear them (kids just don’t know any better), and you will have to fight with Lily about her wardrobe.
You mom is a big girl, and she should be able to handle a little criticism. I don’t think it’s disrespectful to assert yourself to her. I think it’s responsible. Good luck!
When my son was small, I read in one of my baby books that “children benefit from different types of parenting.” I would repeat this to myself when my relatives would do something “differently” than me, but not when what they did was something I considered destructive. Two examples were the whole “clean plate” thing at dinner and shame-based correction. I stood up for my son when necessary, but let things go if they weren’t important.
In this situation? Your daughter’s too young to get the whole “princess” thing, so I’d let this one slide, making sure I talked to Mom in no uncertain terms about not buying any “princess” themed clothing in the future. If she persisted, I’d make it important, if she didn’t, I’d let it be water under the bridge.
In this situation, it seems like the writer might be adding some of her own resentment towards her mother’s behavior when she was a child, when they’re really two different issues.
I believe that our parents generation did not have to deal with the premature sexualization of their children. A “princess” 30 years ago was in no way a potential Paris Hilton type narcissist. Something that I see as harmful in attitude or behavior from my mother-in-law towards my daughter is not seen in the same light by her. However, if I take a moment to explain the whys behind my concern, she is very open to looking at the issue from my side. She loves my daughter dearly, and is pretty conservative so ultimately this type of conflict looses steam. I hope you and your mother can come to an understanding. I am sure she doesn’t realize that for some people princess sequins, a mini-skirt and glitter on a child means promoting a “future exotic dancer,” not a beautiful “fairy dancing in the woods.”
I don’t understand what the big fuss is. My mother buys clothes for my 1 year old daughter more often than I do. Some outfits I like, some I don’t. She spends a lot of money, and time on shopping for her and only gets to see my daughter one weekend a month. What does it hurt to have her your daughter wear something that will make your mother happy? We all know grandmothers won’t be around forever and I’m pretty sure your daughter really doesn’t care what she wears.
Although I don’t have a problem with the sequins and princess theme, I understand the bigger issue at hand. The author’s mother did something against her wishes after she expressly told her it wasn’t what she wanted. My MIL is this kind of person. She thinks she is always right and can’t stand that my husband and I refuse to let her control us. Because she hasn’t shown herself able to follow our rules when we are there, her time with our daughter without us there is very limited. Advice and opinions are one thing to offer, but ultimately she had her chance to raise her kids how she chose, and now it is our turn and things will be done OUR way!
Your mother does not have the right to override your decisions about what your child wears, and you are not being hypocritical by complaining about what your mom made you wear and then asserting your authority over what your daughter wears. She had the right to guide you when she was the mom, you have the right to say you didn’t like her choices but you had to obey her anyway, and now you have the right to make the decisions on guiding your daughter. Your daughter has the right to express her opinion of your choices when she is able, and your mom does not have the right to insert her choices into your relationship with your daughter. Your mom should show you some respect. Your mom is the one who is rude in this instance, not you. Mom’s deserve respect from their offspring, but, as in any relationship, the other involved party also deserves respect. I think many moms of adult children have difficulty showing the appropriate respect for their children who are now parents themselves.
My mother is 80 years old and the world’s greatest con. She does things and says things that are unacceptable and she does know the difference between right and wrong. She has everyone in the family including my daughter thinking that she is just a sweet little old lady. Things have gotten so bad between us that I cannot be in the same room with her. I have been to counseling and was told to stay away from her. The problem is, my daughter loves her and feels sorry for her. My daughter wants “grandma” at every family function. When “grandma” is there she will do underhanded things that makes my skin crawl and my daughter will defend her because she is 80 years old and thinks that I should give her some slack. My parents abused me in every sense of the word when I was a child. When I go to talk about it with my mom, she says “get over it.” This hurts and it hurts even more because my daughter can’t see any of it. When I tried to tell my daughter that I was abused she does not want to hear it. Any help from anyone would be greatly appreciated.
To Anonymous -
I am sorry to here about your situation. It is good that you are in counseling to help mend the damage of an abusive childhood. You don’t state how old your daughter is - but you should remember that you are the parent in that relationship, and you are going to have to make the tough decisions on whether or not you allow you mother to be at family functions. If you see it as detrimental to yourself or anyone else in your family don’t allow it - you should not have your boundaries in that relationship determined by your daughter. And she might be too young or self involved to understand your experience with her grandmother. Set clear boundaries - maybe meet in public places, take a friend as support, and set a time limit. If you set these kind of meetings up - you are not leaving her out of your life or your daughters life - you are just settling the rules that need to be followed if she wants to play. I do hope that therapy is helping.
This grandmother sounds like a narcissist. My mother is the same way. She would override my wishes for my daughter right in front of me when it came to feeding, holding, baby care, etc. I definitely would never leave them alone together. To the people who keep saying “it’s no big deal”, be grateful for your sane mothers. You have no idea what it’s like for those of us who’s mothers are actual in competition with us. They put on a nice face for everyone else and pretend to be innocent and sweet, but break out the passive-aggressive behaviors when there are no witnesses, often using our children as buffers. This grandma crossed the line. No doubt about it.
You know - all moms make their kids wear stuff they don’t like. I have an eight year old, and some days I have to force her to wear what I think it acceptable because what she thinks is okay is just wrong. I think you are being a little hard on your mom, holding that against her. It is a little hypocritical to be upset with her for not respecting your wishes for your daughter and at the same time slam her for what for decisions she made for her own daughter. It was her right just as much as it is your now right?
Anyway - I have both my mom and mother-in-law close by and they have occasionally brought over outfits for my girls that I thought were tacky and/or inpractical. But they are my mothers, and they deserve a little respect so I never thumb my nose at anything they bring. It’s just rude to do so. A gift is a gift - no matter what you think of it or how you feel about the giver.
Anyway - when my girls are out with my mom/MIL I let them wear what the grandma’s want within reason (mini skirts when it’s snowing would be an exception for example). My mom wasn’t perfect - no mom is - but she did her best, and she thought she was doing the right thing. She didn’t always get it right, and she still doesn’t but then again neither do I. But we both still have the best interest at heart for those girls and we both love them to death so I know that while she may not do everything the exact way I would - they will be safe and loved.
Honestly - unless she is really harming or neglecting your child, you should just be glad to have her there. MANY people don’t even have that.