Can Moms Keep Friends Without Kids?

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Can Moms Keep Friends Without Kids?

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Mom•Logic staffer Julie W. shares: Some friendships are hard to hold on to after you start a family.

One friend ditched me after I had kids. We had been close for years. We shared family gatherings, worked together on various projects, and had countless long, heart-to-heart talks about everything. At first, she seemed happy to be part of my wedding, throw a baby shower, and even professed excitement that my first child would be born near her birthday. Soon, she faded away, and by the time I gave birth to my second child, she was gone.

Since becoming a parent, I have met many amazing Mommy friends. There is something profound about how quickly bonds form when you raise your kids together. Other single friends have commented that I always find time to talk or even to steal away from my family for a late night drink or dinner. We plan fun activities with friends that don't include kids. I know that some friends can live without long rants about being married and complaints about parenting. They love my daughters, but don't always need to hear 'funny' anecdotes about them.

Sometimes I wonder why this one friend was able to walk away. What made her feel so uncomfortable that she no longer wanted to have any contact? Recently, we bumped into each other. She quickly ran off, blaming a parking meter that was about to expire. Mutual friends often ask about her. I hear she's busy with work. Sometimes friendships evolve and change, but I'll always remember that she was a big part of my life before I became a Mom ... Has this happened to anyone else?

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I am 28, and I recently became a mom for the first time. I moved around a lot from the time I was sixteen (graduated early) until I settled down close to home when I was 25. It was always difficult to maintain lengthy friendships with anyone until I met someone with whom I haven’t spoken in almost two years. I was elated when I met her. We had so much in common, and we could always count on the other to listen when we had a bad day. Our birthdays were only one day apart, we worked together, we went shopping together, etc. We tried maintaining our friendship in two separate cities (living in the same city concurrently each time), but it didn’t work out after I married my husband 2 1/2 years ago. She found other friends, and I always felt as if I had become a burden to her. She would always have an excuse for why she couldn’t get together with me. She had been in a longterm relationship since I had first met her, so it wasn’t as if it was a new romantic relationship had been the reason for our parting. But what was the reason? I still ponder that question to this day. It was painful, mostly because I still don’t feel any amount of closure. I probably never will, and I am slowly coming to that realization. I justify it by telling myself that it would have come to this anyway, because she always talked about how much she couldn’t stand her other friends who had kids. What I think it comes down to is that some people are needier than others, whether or not it’s visible on the surface. I think that my ex-friend needed to feel that she had my undivided attention - maybe something to do with her own childhood issues. Isn’t it easier to be the person who breaks-off the relationship than to be the one who is “dumped”? It’s merely a safety mechanism, one that probably took her years to master in order to make her falsely think that it’s less painful to deal with the situation in that way. Instead of confronting the problem, it’s easier to run away. Also, maybe it’s so that she didn’t feel like she was a burden by bringing up the issue. I don’t know - I’m not a psychologist. However,

- Eliza M.

Posted 02/10/08 12:17 PM

Yes I experienced something similar, I had 2 really good friends, sorority sisters actually. They were in my wedding, they were at my baby shower and they even came to the hospital when my daughter was born. However, shortly thereafter I intercepted an email they had been exchanging from a picture I had sent them of the baby. One of them accidentally hit “reply all” and I ended up getting the email chain of them talking about how ugly my baby was. It broke my heart and has been hard to get over. I confronted them and then never spoke to them again.

- Amy

Posted 02/10/08 12:28 PM

Yes, and No. Depends on the friend, I guess. As a SAHM, a LOT of my time is devoted to other SAHM-friends, which is only natural. Our days are pretty similar, whereas with my single/non-parent friends… finding time is a challenge. They’re winding up for the evening, when I’m winding down for dinner, bath, and bedtime. My time revolves around a nap schedule. Their’s does not. I don’t do last minute plan unless my son can come along. They have no kids, etc. In all that, I’ve lost friendships and made others stronger.

- GHD

Posted 02/10/08 09:19 PM

A friend and I had a fight over my car - she hit something and didn’t fix it. I was pregnant at the time so after a week of not talking I sent her an e-mail and said that we should just let it go because this was a big part of my life and I wanted her to be a part of it. Her response was “You’re getting married, having a baby and buying a house….we have nothing in common anymore”. I think it was the worst pain ever. I was being dumped by one of my best friends in the whole world because I was moving on in life and living my dream. Our mutual friends said they thought she was jealous, but I didn’t find that consoling. It still hurts 2 years later, but I am happy with my new family and my old and new friends. Although I do still get mad at myself for missing her….

- Anonymous

Posted 02/11/08 09:14 AM

Amy! That is terrible! I would have been devestated and I’m sure your baby is beautiful. What horrible people, you don’t need them.

- Jane

Posted 02/11/08 07:38 PM

they should make somthing like facebook but for kids

- alyy

Posted 02/24/08 03:29 PM

it hasnt really happened to me yet but maybe she felt that because children need so much attention and affection that after the children were born you wouldnt have time to spend with friends.but i think that when you have children it is great when you have friends that have children because you can compare stories and get other helpful information especially if they have children that are a lil bit older than your child or children

- reneejohnson

Posted 05/29/08 09:57 PM

I think its all about really making an effort to talk about something else than the baby all the time. I know its hard cuz your with the baby all day and he is the main topic of conversations. I am a SAHM and none of my friends have kids, but none have abandoned me. I allways make it a point to ask about them , their life and to remeber that my sons stories are not that interesting to others as they are to me. I guess I am lucky to have such great freinds, who never mind me saying, “Ill be rigth back, have to go change Al’s diaper”

- lovelyeve

Posted 07/04/08 08:51 PM

I ALSO LOST ALOT OF FRIENDS WHEN I HAD MY DAUGHTER. THEY HAD “PLANS” AND COULDNT GET TOGETHER OR STOPED CALLING AND SAID THEY DIDNT WANT TO WAKE BABY. SINCE THEN I HAVE FOUND MYSELF TALKING TO MOMS AT CHICK-FIL-A OR THE PARK AND MOMS JUST UNDERSTAND MOMS BETTER. FOR ALL THE FRIENDS WE LOST AFTER HAVING OUR BABIES, THEY WILL REALIZE IT WHEN THEY HAVE THEIR BABIES. I JOINED MOTIVATED MOMS AND HAVE MADE MANY FRIENDSHIPS AND BECAME A W.A.H.M. TOO!! WWW.MOTIVATEDMOM20082.TK IT HURTS WHEN OUR FRIENDS STRAYED AWAY BUT THE NEW FRIENDSHIPS ARE PRICELESS. IF THEY DONT WANT TO BE AROUND US AND OUR KIDS THEN WE DONT NEED THEM AROUND!!

- DAWN SWINT

Posted 09/30/08 11:24 PM

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