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BFF...or Until You Have a Baby

Sunday, February 10, 2008

A Mom•Logic single staffer wonders: Can a Mom and non-Mom still be best friends?

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"I'm 32, and I don't have kids. I actually never plan to. But many of my friends do. Lately, I coined the phrase, 'A friendship dies every time a new baby is born'... Now don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter, just a little hurt.

After my oldest friend, Mary, had her baby, our friendship started to change. We had been friends as long as I could remember, and we had always shared everything. But now every time I called to see how Mary and the baby were doing, she was too busy to talk. I'd try to make plans to get together, but every weekend was another excuse--she had a mommy class to attend, the baby was sick, she was tired, the baby was sick again. I couldn't help but feel upset when Mary completely blew off my 30th birthday because her daughter was ill. I understood she had to cancel, but she made me feel like it was no big deal. I was completely off her radar. Although I was happy for the wonderful things that were going on in her life, it seemed she couldn't care less about what was going on in mine.

I felt like Mary didn't need me anymore and we no longer had anything in common. I couldn't relate to her baby stories (like when her lactating breasts were hurting), and she couldn't relate to my work stress. She never asked how my day was--I felt like the few conversations we did have were it was all about her. I missed my friend who used to tell me everything, and felt her new world had little or no time for me. And don't even get me started about Mary's new mommy friends. I secretly hated them.

Things continued to deteriorate between us until one night when we both blew up at each other. She attempted to cancel plans with me again, and I lost it. We screamed, cried, and vented our frustrations. Finally, we said all those things we'd been wanting to say. I wanted her to understand that I missed my best friend and needed her in my life. She wanted me to understand I wasn't her only priority, and she now had a husband and a baby to put first. That was hard for me to swallow, but I understood. Together we came up with a few ways to keep our friendship strong. I hope our tips will help others dealing with this, too.

1. Choose your battles. Don't get mad or frustrated over small things because in the end, they're not that important.

2. Make friend time. Regardless of whether Mary's child is sick, if I get called into work, or any other excuse that may come up, we have decided to set one night aside every so often for bonding time (just the two of us, with no distractions).

3. Be a listener. I may have to listen to her breastfeeding woes, but she also has to listen to my work and relationship dramas. We need to be interested in what the other is doing. And if we're not interested, we need to learn to fake it!

4. Include each other in social events. Mary recently included me in a "mommy's group dinner" and I have invited her to several red carpet work events. That way, we can incorporate each other into our respective worlds.

5. Plan occasional weekend getaways or road trips. It's nice to have something to talk about and look forward to. And afterwards, these trips are something we can look back on with a smile. At last, we're making memories together again."

Have your friendships with your non-Mom friends suffered since you had kids? Tell us about it! 

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12 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

 
Awesome the way you two took the time to work that out. That’s one of the hardest things about starting a family; besides all the changes a baby brings to your life, your life also changes from all the things that are deleted from it. I have always felt like God brings people into your life for a reason, and sometimes just for a season, but some of those friendships are just too precious to give up for good. You guys must truly be good friends if you can make it through the new-baby-crazy-days!
- Karen Brock
Posted 02/10/08 03:22 PM
 
 
I’m past the baby stage, but I remember the adjustment that my best friend and I had when I had my first child (she is child free by choice). I would only add that when ever there is a new relationship (boyfriend, spouse, baby), there is going to be a period of regrouping and reprioritizing that occurs. My oldest is now nine, and I am still best friends with my child free friend. She gave me the space to adjust to being a parent, and in return I made sure that every conversation we had didn’t some how come back to my kids. I now live in a different city, and she makes the effort to come up and visit with me and my family (my kids love their auntie!), and I make time to do “girls only” things with her when she is here— and visit her to do things only she and I would enjoy (spa day anyone?). It takes an effort on both sides (mom has to remember that just like with new boyfriends, no one wants to hear about junior/princess all the time, and BFF needs to let go of any jealousies she may feel at being usurped). Good luck— and trust me, with most normal moms, it gets much better as everyone gets used to their new roles (and baby sleeps through the night!)
- Cheryl
Posted 02/10/08 05:32 PM
 
 
Yes, I hear you! My maid-of-honor and I were best friends. I honestly miss her more than anything. I missed her birthday last year and I didn’t hear from her for months. I tried and tried to talk to her… nothing. Finally, we spoke and she told me how hurt she was that I missed her birthday. I felt horrible but like you, I tried to explain I was pregnant and didn’t feel well for 5 months straight (darn morning sickness! It was bad too!!) All things said and done, I don’t know if our friendship will ever be the same, but we have gone out to lunch since all of this happened and I look forward to her meeting my son soon. Good tips!
- Liz
Posted 02/11/08 11:42 AM
 
 
Luckily most people are being kind. There is never a right time to start a family. Never enough money- never enough time- what if you changed you mind at 40? The fact that you are thinking about you and not others is a big sign that you have plenty of issues to figure out. Any woman who will take the time to birth a baby, let alone raise him/her in this day and age has a lot of courage.
- Patty Brown
Posted 02/11/08 12:26 PM
 
 
Great parenting article! Once I became a mom, I found that most of my friends who didn’t yet have children drifted away. They just weren’t interested, no matter how hard I tried to make it work. There were a few who were willing to listen and I also listened to them. It can definitely be hard to adjust to the new life. I have 4 children now and things couldn’t be better, but I can still look back and remember issues like that.
- Mommy2Lots
Posted 02/11/08 07:56 PM
 
 
Um, you are a grown woman and you were angry because your friend’s daughter was ill. I must say, you don’t sound like a very good friend or a very mature person. I’m sure your friend was having a very difficult time - caring for sick babies is AWFUL and you reward her by being pissed off. Get over it.
- kllace
Posted 02/12/08 01:34 AM
 
 
After reviewing your article again, I must say, thank goodness you say you won’t have any kids, because it doesn’t sound like you would be able to make the sacrifices. Anyone who says “a friendship dies every time a new baby is born” is not parenting material - or friend material for that matter. I hope your friend finds someone who is more supportive of her.
- kllace
Posted 02/12/08 01:40 AM
 
 
jeez people; its not hard to keep a friend. i never listen to people who say they are too busy. its really just b.s. people are never that busy. and if you are soooo busy maybe your friend can help. they are your friends because they love you; and your family is a part of you.
- marsha
Posted 02/12/08 02:22 PM
 
 
I was single and in relationships for a long time before I married and had a baby in my late 30s. This is really a big issue between myself and one of my best childhood friends. I completely understand the single world, but am immersed in a different one and it’s just really difficult to mesh the two. My friend doesn’t want to hear about being up all night again with a croupy child, how you have to *always* have flexible plans when you have a baby, (as in cancelling happens a lot with kids getting sick more than you care to imagine) and so on. I am frustrated hearing the same issues over and over again about the same relationship that doesn’t do her justice. It’s a really tough transition for friends. One thing I realized once I did marry and have a child is the amount of time I wasted agonizing over things in earlier parts of my life including relationships that I never should have stayed in from the get go.
- newengland
Posted 02/17/08 12:25 PM
 
 
Sometimes it takes getting it all out to become closer when you have drifted apart. I love my best friend very much and when she had her baby we have spent less time together. We go to lunch and the park with her baby and I enjoy that so much. I am glad you are working on your friendship. Blessings, Kelly
- Kelly Guenther
Posted 03/10/08 11:08 PM
 
 
Well, I’m single and some of my friends are married with kids. Basically, I know that when a friend gets married and has kids, that is the end of the friendship in its current form. I’ll see her from time to time - but it won’t be the same. Life is about change. Very few people are with you for large parts of your life - for a very good friend - yes you both make the effort. But most friendships are just over. And new friendships begin. That’s just the way it is.
- Julie
Posted 07/06/08 08:38 PM
 
 
I was in a similiar situation, but I am the Mommy. I became a Mom for the first time at age 42. My friends who really mattered, stuck by me and understood my situation. Oddly enough, the person that I thought was my bestfriend eventually became my worst enemy. I tried very hard to be patient and understanding of her odd, extremely rude behaviour. It became very obvious when my daughter was around 5 months old. I do not know if I always knew this person was a rude, insensitive person,and I just ” dealt” with it before, or as a Mom i looked at the world differently and chose to not expose myself to it. a lot of my friends said she was jealous of my new life, which I found to be even harder to deal with because I was constantly feeling like I had to monitor everything I told her. Regardless, it was very difficult for me to began the “seperation” process of leaving her behind, but I know it is the right decision. Life is too short to be around someone that makes you feel uncomfortable. I just pray she finds happiness ( and motherhood) one day.
- Lori Talbot
Posted 08/18/08 11:57 AM
 
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