When a friend's child said inappropriate things in front of my 8-year-old, my husband went ballistic.
One mom says: Considering that my 8-year-old daughter still believes in the tooth fairy, I completely freaked out when I heard the words that recently flew out of the mouth of my friend's son while we were at their house. While my daughter was in the basement with the boy, he informed her that his friend didn't want to "make out" or "have sex" with her. And, according to my kindergartener, who was there too, he also uttered the "f" word. Say what?!
In a matter of seconds, my daughter raced up the stairs to tell her dad what had just transpired. My husband looked like he was ready to spontaneously combust! Rather than tell our friends their third grader is already spewing profanities like a drunken party crasher, he ran downstairs and confronted the child, warning him if he ever uttered another dirty word in front of our daughter he'd rat him out to his father. Within seconds, the kid raced upstairs in tears.
Did we do the wrong thing? Should we have told his dad and let him discipline his own child?
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Email18 comments so far | Post a comment now >>
Yes, he was right on.. I would have told the parent though, after I tore that little a boy a new one..
- Jinx
‘Did we do the wrong thing? Should we have told his dad and let him discipline his own child?’ Yes and Yes. I would have been livid if that was done to my child. Yes the cursing and the sexual content is inappropriate for that age range, and I would want to be the one to discipline my child. Because now you’ve scared my child and made him cry and now You are the bad guy and what my child did would seem slight in comparison. It might also be MY fault for the child learning the language, so in telling me what my child did, the parent would be able to judge from my reaction what we deem appropriate and in appropriate behavior and would be able to figure out whether or not playdates with my family would be wanted in the future. IMO an adult that is not family and not given the ok to set the rules or give the discipline (caregiver, teacher), should not take matters into their own hands. It should go through the parents first to be clear of any misunderstandings on both sides.
- Chris
I have been babysitting for years, and have dealt with similar situations. An eight year old MIGHT know better, or they might just have been exposed to something inappropriate and never told. NEVER treat the child like you did - at that age, that is emotional abuse! What SHOULD you have done? You should have sat down that child AND YOURS and explained that those phrases and words are innappropriate and that you don’t want to hear them used in your home or around/by your children. By staying calm and reacting like an ADULT rather then losing it - you would have earned the child’s respect, probably taught him something he didn’t know, made it very clear that you are not okay with that behavior AND at the same time, taught your children not to listen to or repeat such things. I think you need to as yourself this. If your eight year old now turned around and did the same thing (which could very well happen, kids tend to copy things like that) would YOU be okay with someone else’s parents treating your child the way you treated their’s?
- Crystal
You should pretty much assume you won’t be having dinner at their house again. It’s not like the parents weren’t there that you had to address the kid. He was totally wrong but to scare a young boy in his own home was out of line.
- Anonymous
I think that it is definatly ok to address children who speak like they are adults. If they want to speak like that, let them know that there are larger conciquences for them. However, I think that maybe there was a tackful way to adress the child. Also, make sure that whatever you say will not offend the parents. Let them know you plan on speaking to their child or do it right in front of them. This has worked for me in the past.
- Hanna
I would have told the parent about their son’s colorful language.
- Lynne
I dont think he was in the wrong at all. Sometimes you have to discipline other peoples children in order to keep your kids safe, and in this case, to keep them innocent. And obviously if the child is speaking this way, his parents are either not watching their mouths around him or arent teaching him that he cannot speak that way. And not only is it bad language but the content of the language is alarming, that is a very big subject for a young boy to know about. I would be worried about him psychologicaly as well.
- melanie
I would have notified the parent first, and then spoken to the child in front of the parent. This holds both parties accountable and sets boundaries, but does so in a respectful way, since you notified the parent in advance of your displeasure and intention to address it with the child as well. This can’t totally be blamed on the parent, as there is exposure on TV, within schools, etc. that most parents have limited control over. Granted, how our children respond with that information exposure is our job, but that has to be taught and shaped along the journey.
- Laura Corby - Autism Solution Center, Inc.
You and your hubbie were way out of line. Firstly the child was only 8 and i doubt whethe he really knew what he was saying. Secondly you weren’t there and to accept someone elses’s account of what went on, especially when that someone else is a third grader, was to say the least foolish. But the really wrong thing you did was to make a child cry and fill him with guilt about a very innocent remark. It’s people like you that would bring us back to the dark ages. If I had been the boy’s father i would have come over and made your hubbie cry…a lot. That little boy will NEVER forget this terrible experience I hope you are proud of yourselves. Frankly i pity your children.
- alex
You pity her children? Are you kidding me? If you are naive enough to think that an eight year old doesn’t know what he’s saying when he utters profanities around another impressionable child then you are the one living in the dark ages. Sure, maybe the dad should have told the parent, I agree on that front - but scarred the kid for life? That’s highly doubtful. Perhaps if he was around more adults who called him on the carpet when he was out of line, he wouldn’t be knowing the “f” word before he even hit his 10th birthday. Why should adults be afraid to discipline kids even if it’s just by speaking firmly to them? We are sadly becoming a generation of parents raising children who born with an innate sense of self entitlement and rudeness towards other kids and adults - I don’t remember ever being raised that way and if another adult ever raised their voice to me, I would have listened and never do it again. Is that so bad? Teaching a child wrong from right? I don’t think so.
- Sandra
I agree with you sandra. Had it been me or my husband we would have confronted the other child as well. As a teacher I see how so many children get by with things that years ago we would never have gotten away with because parents are too “afraid” to punish them or say they are only 8! Well when he is 16 and sexually assaults a girl he is only 16 and he didn’t know what he did was wrong. IMO he hurt that girl with what he said and her parents had every right to bring him back in check.
- Tiffany
There is nothing wrong with teaching a child right from wrong, in fact, as adults it is our responsibility to do so. However it is very important how we go about doing it …and a teacher, especially, should know this. Shouting at an 8yo and making him cry is not the right way. Explaining to him, calmly, why it was not acceptable would have been a lot better. In any case it should have been reported to his parents. To extrapolate a bit of ‘dirty talk’ to sexual assault at 16 is ludicrous and it’s the type of mentality that i would not want in any teacher of any grade. I am a teacher and have been one for over 20 years, I would not treat a 16 yo the way the 8yo was treated. I can forgive Sandra her point of view as it is obvious by her post that she was raised with shouts and yells at any infringement…or was she? But , Tiffany, if you are still a teacher….please retire!
- alex
When an older child exposes a younger child to inappropriate content, it is the parents right to react and rectify the situation immediately. I agree, there is a place for calm correction and reserved guidance when it comes to disciplining children. However, if your kid was about to get run over by a car, would you calmly approach from the rear and gently escort them from the street in a silent manner or grab the kids arm and say “Watch out!!” The analogy may be a bit of a stretch, but I think the point is still valid. The foul mouthed boy’s feelings should not be the issue here, the lack of parenting on the part of his guardians and the dismissive nature of Alex’s comments should be. If we spend all of our children’s formative years refusing to discipline our children in a communal sense, then we are dooming ourselves to a generation of ill mannered, socially apathetic adults that have little regard for authority or their peers. I don’t think “making a child cry” is the right approach or that “yelling” is the solution. However, dismissing the kid’s remarks as “very innocent” is both negligent and misguided. I wonder if Alex thinks that a third grader using the “F” word is appropriate, let alone the kid eluding to any type of sexual behavior with a a kindergartener! The boy’s remarks should be a big red flag to everyone that there may a problem somewhere. I’m not saying he’s the next Ted Bundy, but unless he gets straightened out… He could be headed for trouble. It’s my opinion that he needed straightening out. My 6 year old knows whats appropriate what is not. He even extolls these limitations on his 4 year old sister. To say “He’s only 8” is idiotic. I have one last question… How are kid’s supposed to know we’re upset with them if we refuse to get upset?
- terry
It is a true mark of a poor argument when one has to resort to analogies that, in your own words, Terry, are “stretching it”. Superlative analogies of that sort do little to support any point of view. By referring to the 8yo child as “the foul mouthed kid” shows your severe lack of empathy and understanding of children and their exploratory minds. Frankly, I am not surprised that your six year old has been “straightened out” on impeccable behavior. The not so funny part is that you find his attempts at ‘straighting” out his 4yo sister as a good thing. Lol you even mention Ted Bundy as a possible future…have you burned any witches lately Terry? Sometime in the near future it might help if you realized that the dark ages have come and gone, obviously you have been left behind… I guess you might one in favor of prohibition of all that’s “evil” in your mind…we never learn from mistakes of the past. Only education and understanding helps us grasp what is right and what is wrong, not because Terry or someone like him said so but we could we understand why it is right or wrong. The 8y should have been talked to quietly and calmly as I have said before (obviously selective reading is another of your virtues) and his parents informed. And the answer to your last question, Terry, you tell them, remember? Communication is the name of the game. You don’t scream and shout at them just tell them…you’ll be surprised how well that works.
- Alex
Analogies, whether entirely succinct or somewhat stretched, are a tool utilized to easily acquaint the reader with a point. I fail to see how my analogy weakens my argument. Furthermore, I refer to the 8 yr old as the “foul mouthed boy” because the language he reportedly used was neither appropriate nor acceptable. Can you honestly tell me that his behavior was appropriate? It is clear to me that you view the world monochromatically. There are always shades of gray when it comes to children, and I am both sympathetic and empathetic to whatever the child’s situation may be. Be that as it may, no child was ever damaged by being spoken to firmly. To make judgements about how my children have been raised by reading a single response on a blog is misguided. You assume that when I say “straighten out”, I’m refering to some malignant, malevolent type of “Dark Age” torture instead of what it is; defining clear boundaries for appropriate behavior. Your response implies, rather inaccurately, that my children have been subjected to some kind of corporal punishment. Selective reading seems to be your tool of alarmism, not mine. I distinctly said “… he’s the next Ted Bundy…” not “he’s evil” or a “murderer”. Children, as you’ve stated, have an exploratory mind. Isn’t our job as parents and adults to guide them in their exploration? Granted, it may not have been the best approach for the father in the story to yell at the boy (honestly, it never says that the guy yelled at the kid, only confronted him). You assume that because I believe in reprimanding children for inappropriate behavior, I must yell at my kids and scold them with emotionally traumatic techniques and archaic methods of discipline. I think that Sandra proves my point. The boy probably never gets reprimanded or has learned this behavior from parents that refuse to guide him. I know children that run and cry as soon as an adult even speaks to them, let alone in any type of authoritative manner… And no, they’re not abused or yelled at at home. They simply aren’t accustomed to being reprimanded. By ignoring his actions, you negatively reinforce the behavior. When the little girl came up stairs and told her father what the boy had said, where were the 8 yr old’s parents? It doesn’t seem that they took much interest in their
- terry
edit to previous post… I distinctly said “I’m not saying he’s the next Ted Bundy…” I don’t want to be misunderstood.
- terry
Small children can and will repeat everything they hear.They could be walking by a TV and hear something, then repeat it. Once it gets a reaction it then starts a cycle. At 8 they may be able to repeat the language, but they truly do not understand what they are saying. The therapist for my son tells us to not react to the language, not to draw attention to it. Try to make sure the home is not full of colorful language. Just make sure to tell them at the time that it happens “that is not a nice thing to say” then drop it. They will eventually loose it. Because it’s not getting them unnecessary attention. It’s working for my 2 year old and 10 year old.
- amanda
I agree, when dealing with an attention seeking behavior, planned ignoring is the best response.
- terry
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