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I'm His MOTHER, Not His Grandma!
Guest blogger Robin Gorman Newman, first-time Mom at 42, was stunned when she mistaken for her 5- year-old son's grandmother.
I never thought it would happen to me, but it did. I've heard others speak of it, but I figured I would never fit the bill, especially at this time in my life.I was wrong. Yesterday I was at our neighborhood diner with my husband, a friend and her two kids, and my son. I had taken him potty, and we were rushing to exit the bathroom. As we washed our hands, a woman entered the bathroom, saw us, and asked if I was the mom or grandmom? I was stunned. Livid. Totally caught off guard. And, suddenly quite self-conscious. I stole a fast glance in the bathroom mirror before we exited, examining the age of my face. Ok.....I don't look 22. I admit it. I have a couple of frown lines. I certainly feel more tired than I did when I was younger. But, could someone truly mistake me for a grandmother? I could be a grandmom at 47, that is true, but I only became a mom at 42. And, some become first time moms even later than that. It is a personal choice. I looked at the woman, with a look of horror on my face, no doubt, and responded, "I'm not going to respond to that," as I bolted out the door with Seth.When I got back to my table, I told my husband and fellow mom/friend what had happened. She, in fact, has a full head of gray hair, and said it has commonly happened to her. I, on the other hand, have no gray (except for some hidden strands) and I don't color my hair.So...what was this about, and why did it get to me so? Do I dress like a grandmom? Where my mannerisms somehow like one? (whatever that means) My friend responded that the stranger probably looked at Seth's blonde hair, compared to my almost jet black hair, and surmised I couldn't possibly be his mom.
Why did she need to know? Once you have a child, does it give complete strangers free license to say whatever is on their mind that relates to you as a parent?
Click here for more from Robin Gorman Newman.
Comments (12)
Email12 comments so far
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ML OBSESSION |
I gave birth to my now 26 year old at the age of27 then waited to have my 2nd at age 38,(He’s 15 now) I’m now 52,& loving it,both my boys kept me young & youthful,I still have energy at my old age( 52) ANd noone questioned me only to ask if my 2nd was from another marriage.Hah….I”m very much married to the same wonderful man for 28 years,,,,So age is only in the eyes of the beholder,Enjoy your kids no matter what age you have them..
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I’ve learned that people in general these days lack both tact and manners, which can result in an experience similar to yours. My sister just adopted her son from Vietnam, and she often gets the question, “So are you not able to have children of your OWN?” As if it’s anyone’s business, you know? And as if her son isn’t her own child! Just because she didn’t push him out of her uterus doesn’t make him any less her child.
I think your response was perfect. Hopefully that woman realized at that point how absolutely rude her question was. Good luck dealing with crap like this in the future. One response that my sister has come up with is responding to the rude question with, “Why do you want to know?” You might want to try that one sometime!
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Touchy, touchy. You’re at an in-between age where you could be a 5-year-old’s mom or grandma. People are always asking personal questions about babies and kids. I really think they just want to relate to you because they have their own kids or grandkids and think it’s the best thing ever. Same reason strangers in the airport asked my son’s age. It’s not relevant to them, but they have kids or grandkids and are relating to us.
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Touchy, touchy. You’re at an in-between age where you could be a 5-year-old’s mom or grandma. People are always asking personal questions about babies and kids. I really think they just want to relate to you because they have their own kids or grandkids and think it’s the best thing ever. Same reason strangers in the airport asked my son’s age. It’s not relevant to them, but they have kids or grandkids and are relating to us.
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I can relate as I am 47 and have a two year old granddaughter but must admit I like it when they think I am her mother!!
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Oh I can so relate. I am 43 and my daughter is 2, my hair is dark and hers is blonde. About every 6 months I get that comment and it bothers me…..Maybe they are just trying to relate, but it feels like they are passing judgement.
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I had my second child at 41 but no one has ever said anything like this, at least to my face. But that could be because it is really not that unusual around here. I’m from the westside of Los Angeles most moms are within 5 or 6 years of my age. Most of us have or have had careers, gone to grad school, etc. It is interesting which of us are now home and which have carried on at the office. And, at least in my social circle, how good we all feel about our community and the different choices we all have made.
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I’ve faced the opposite of this. I’m 28, and have an 8 year old son. Occasionally, it’s been asked if he’s my little brother. I realize I may look young, but I had him at 20! Not 16 or 14, 20!
I think the main issue is not being able to properly judge people’s ages anymore. In a time of regular plastic surgery and amazing skin creams, so many women look positively ageless (Sophia Loren, anyone?). It is rather rude to ask random people personal questions like that, but it seems that it’s an overall shift in health care that is beneficial to all women looking amazing at different ages.
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I agree that people lack tact. I think people asking questions about children such as “how old is she?” or “where did you get those cute shoes?” are safe, but even asking something as basic as “Is this your baby?” could be heartwrenching for the woman who has miscarried 4 times and is just holding her friend’s baby while she’s in the bathroom. I think there should be an etiquette class for how we speak to people with children - men and women. We seem to have certain boundaries - like not asking a total stranger “So how much do you weigh?” or “Is that a big zit I see on your forehead?” When you see someone with a child and you don’t know how to be tactful, just smile. That goes a long way.
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I had my second child at 39 and went in for a job interview when she was about three months old. the interviewer asked me if that was a “grandchild” that he heard on the phone. I was totally mortified and said no. Needless to say he was pretty quiet for at least a minute. What is really funny is I get told I look young for my age and had my third child at 42, and I am expecting another one at the age of 44 in May. I think some people assume that you have to be under 30 to have children, I lived in Utah for awhile and I knew several women who became grandmothers at 33, the age I was when I had my first child!
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I had my oldest son when I was 17, he is now 33, my sister who is 21 months younger than me, had her only son at 37 he is now 12, so now my grandchildren think that my nephew is one of them. It takes some explaining to get a 4 year old to understand that your sister is not your daughter :)
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try to laugh it off… I am always mistaken for my younger neices and nephews mom, and several people have asked if my oldest nephew, who was born when I was 12, if you sig. other!
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