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Childless Bitch: 'Stay Out of My Restaurant'

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Editors' Note: The Bitch is back, ready to irk us again with another tirade. This time, she sets her sights on our kids' restaurant behavior. If you see her at your local eating establishment, buy her a drink—it's tough eating every meal alone.


Last night, I dined at a four-star restaurant with a surprise guest sitting at the table to my left. This 'surprise guest' was a 3-foot tall, rude, smelly, loud, and unwanted addition to my menu. Ring a bell? Well, it should because it was...YOUR child.

What the hell is going on in this world?! Mothers of America, you are clearly confused... again! Thank goodness I'm back and ready to clear things up. Bring your exhausted faces closer to the computer screen. Are you ready? Are you listening? Here it goes...keep your children out of restaurants!

As good as you've become at lying to yourself, little Rugrat can't sit through a meal lasting longer than 10 minutes. He is running around the restaurant screaming at the top of his lungs, and every time the waiter comes to the table he belts out something along the lines of, "This food sucks! I want hot dogs!" While you can't see your child scaling the back wall - for some reason, I can! Silverware should be used instead of fingers, and until he understands the difference between a Play-Doh craft project and a three-course meal, keep it at home.

Now, because I understand keeping your children out of all restaurants is a lofty request, it has come to my attention there are many culinary chains available and particularly welcoming to children. While I can't bring myself to understand why in God's name anyone would open, work or invest in such a place, I see the need for it. So, because you are such a 'busy' mommy and have self-diagnosed 'momnesia,' it only makes sense that you can't differentiate between Wolfgang Puck's newest culinary destination and the Wal-Mart Food Court. So, to help the breastfeeders (and save the single nation), I have created a little test to easily determine which restaurant is right for you and your monster squad.

It's Friday night! Hooray! And because Jimmy passed his weekly spelling test, you want to take the family to dinner. Double hooray for you! With a particular restaurant in mind, and before driving the minivan ANYWHERE, answer 'Yes' or 'No' to the following questions:

  • Are plastic take-home cups, crayons and breadsticks complimentary with my child's order?
  • Does the hostess respond by laughing when asked if making a reservation is possible?
  • Are there readily available booster seats in the restaurant and changing stations in the bathroom?
  • Are the words 'endless pasta,' 'buffet' or 'kid meal deal' anywhere on the menu?
  • Can I find a discount coupon to this restaurant in my Sunday circular?
  • Is the 'linen' on the table really paper for my loved-ones to scribble all over?
  • Are the menus laminated, and yet still stained with old macaroni & cheese?
  • Are prizes given for the most tickets earned at the end of the meal?
  • Does the restaurant's name end with the word 'Factory?'
  • Is a valet service not provided and only 2-hour parking in a large lot next to the Cineplex available?
  • Are the waitresses on parole, still in high school or members of AARP?
  • Is the décor rainforest or circus-themed?
  • Is there a restaurant mascot?
  • Do the only condiments for the table come in plastic packets?
  • Next to the exit, is there a gumball machine?

If you answered 'No' to any of the previous questions, local numbers to Pizza Hut can be found at It's time to bring the tradition of Friday Night Pizza Nights back to the homes of America!

For those of you self-proclaimed 'foodies' who, pre-preggers, I would normally find dining next to me - this message especially goes out to you. If you are 'above' eating at places you might find off the NJ Turnpike, you are obviously not cut out for motherhood. The only famous chef you'll be running into these days is the King of Cans...Boyardee. Which brings up a great question, why are you even eating out at all? Doesn't giving birth to that 'bun in the oven' automatically qualify you as a cook?

And for those of you concerned about the nutritional value of the children's menu options, I did the legwork for you. Did you know Denny's has a Veggie of the Day - it's called the "Moon Crater Mashed Potatoes." What's the big deal anyway? I thought the Nintendo Wii solved the child obesity epidemic?

After all this, if you are still confused, might I remind you of something called Take Out?

Bon appetite and cheers to your Bloomin' Onion!

next: Heather Mills Gets 48 Mil
32 comments so far | Post a comment now
kat April 7, 2008, 9:11 PM


Anonymous April 25, 2008, 11:23 PM

I have an 18 month old, and I took him to a restaurant last week. Most of the time I pick a buffet, just like you say I should, but the people I was with wanted to go somewhere else. I could almost hear the thoughts of the young childless couple at the table next to us “my kids will never behave that way in public, they’ll be sweet little angels, even if it does take 3 hours to get the meal, they won’t eat the crayons.”

Melissa Crockett July 13, 2008, 6:42 AM

I am a 39yr old Female who doesn’t have any children of my own.I ran a daycare business out of my home for 5yrs.It’s Not the children’s Fault of what is wrong with them. It is Parents That Create These Little People,Especially These So Call Adults Who Complain About the little things To Much….Wake Up Lady If You Have A Problem With The Little People, Maybe someone is out there doesn’t like how you act in public all The Time, No One Is Perfect By Far, If you get a chance to love these little people you will have a better out look on life…..Remember You Once Were A Child and don’t blame the children Blame The Parents…..

Anna August 18, 2008, 12:26 AM

CB, maybe your tangent has gone to your brain. A good alternative to throwing kids out of restraunts is to do a kids section in restraunts. I agree, little kids in restraunts can be annoying. I had an entire meal ruined when a little league girls team won and I was subjected to endless loud chatter and whining. If my freinds and I had not already started eating we would have asked for another table.

Another thing, does it really matter where you get intergestion; be it at a “wolf gang puck” fine restraunt or a “pizza hut”? If they did a smoking and non-smoking section, only, instead with kids it would make us all happy. parents could relax and have their kids rampage through the aisles and people who dont like kids can enjoy their meal in a quiet atmosphere.

Rachael August 23, 2008, 7:27 PM

I’m confused about notamommynotakidhater’s comment about being a babysitter… Did someone ask you to change a diaper or feed a kid? Otherwise, what in God’s name are you talking about? These rants and comments are all quite below the belt and ridiculous. I also think it is rude to ignore your screaming child, but I also think it’s rude for the kid haters of the world (yourself included notamommynotakidhater) to make the Moms who are trying their hardest feel badly. I know you’re not intelligent enough to understand what it’s like being a Mom, but for most they try with everything they have every day and yet, somehow, a kid has a mind of it’s own (I know, how dare they?!) and the unfortunate mother has to bear it as tortuously as you, actually much much more. Give yourself (and the rest of the world) a break and stop hating life, ladies, you might wind up with someone who likes you.

Anna September 22, 2008, 12:52 PM

Rachael, I think the point notamommynotakidhater was making, had nothing to do with changing diapers. She means when, someones kid starts bothering you during your meal, having to amuse them and deal with their misbehavior while “mommy”, eats in peace. No, you dont change the childs diaper or feed the kid, but you have to deal with a kid asking “whats that you are eating? Can I have some?” and their whining when you say no. As for the diaper… well, you have to deal with the stinky kid bothering you or the mothers glare when you inform them that their little munchkin needs to be changed. The point is that some parents will completely ignor their children in restraunts and leave the kids to fend for themselves (often this comes as a interruption for other diners).

sherron teal January 23, 2009, 11:40 PM

WHAT has happened to mothers these days? I raised three boys and they knew what was permisable in a restaurant and what was not, that included the mall, the grocery store or anywhere in public, these days mothers seem to think it is cute when their children are rude and annoying to others, mothers are not teaching their little ones respect for anyone, this is far from cute and far from funny, it is disgusting! These children will turn out to be intolerable teenagers and horrible rude adults, WAKE UP mothers, do your job then others will not have to do it for you!

clarza January 25, 2009, 12:20 PM

Hmmmm well!! I would have to say if my child had behaved like that on a treat day out to a 4 star resturant, he wouldn’t be going again, I get the womans point. If your kids can’t behave in places like that you just wouldn’t take them.I, for one just wouldn’t risk the embarrassment.

Anne February 4, 2009, 6:46 PM

How sad. I wonder what kind of child YOU were. Were your parents too embarrassed to take YOU out to eat at nice establishments? Being a kid in this story is completely irrelevant. I have seen far more mean spirited, annoying and rude customers that are adults. By the sound of your blogs, you are one of those. I hope you find someone who brings your life into clearer perspective and can lighten your heart and spirit with love and happiness.

Monica Culp April 9, 2009, 3:13 AM

I am a mother of a 2 year old. Some days he is as quiet as a button some days he is overly excited and busy. Matter of fact, we just came from his first movie tonight and surprisingly he made it all the way thru without literally saying a word. I hesitated to take him because I was afraid he would act up. He’s a busy body and has a short attention span. We went to Black Angus last week. He made it all the way thru dinner without being loud and destructive until it was time to pay and then he got upset because he was tired. Fell asleep before the check was paid. The thing is I have been thru a number of occasions when he would cry and whine because he couldn’t have his way. I never ever have allowed him to run wild in a restaurant (although I have seen parents let their children do that in a store and out to dinner.) Anyhow, being out in public is a learning process for the kids. If you don’t give it a few exasperated tries and teach your child the proper behavior at home and in public they will never know. I am starting to feel that I’ve got it right. Don’t get me wrong it makes me very upset when I am out anywhere and someone is letting their child on the loose. Rude children and the like. I have a friend who has a son that I feel is the bad seed. Rude and loud and disrespectful to adults. And when we are together I put a lock down on him if she doesn’t. Him compared to my child makes my little boy look like a pure angel. Regardless, someone is always going to have something to say about your child. but just don’t let it be because there has been some negligence on your part.

Anonymous May 1, 2009, 2:46 AM

I’ll gladly take a toddler to dine with me anyday,rather than sit with this monster.And we wonder why Casey killed her ‘snothead’.Very mature ladies,so mature in fact it’s almost robotic style thinking in nature.At least a kid adds to the fun of dinning out.

The Proud Mommy November 20, 2009, 9:11 PM

Honestly, I think you make it sound like mothers should hate thier children. I love my children with all my heart I can’t remember life with out them. I extremely happy you don’t have kids because I’m sure you’d be one of the moms who lets thier child live with the babysitter while you party. Stop complaining about mother or soon to bo moms and get a life.

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