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Childless Bitch at the Beach

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Editor's Note: Are we not safe from this woman anywhere? She's at our movie theaters, restaurants, even spying on our girls' nights out--but now the bitch has taken over our beach.


Everyone knows the most important decision of any beach day is where to put your towel down. I make an effort to pick a quiet, isolated spot on the sand, but no matter where I sit, you and your troops invade and ATTACK!

Aloha Mommies -- just because your brats are no longer playing in your backyard, doesn't mean you can just unleash them on the sand unsupervised. Your children are loud and annoying, but I gotta say, YOU are worse! Here's why...

  1. You are a space hog! As a good rule of thumb - if your terrycloth 'tarp' is larger than the size of your body, pregnant...fold it in half!

  2. You have no consideration for others. Not only do you build the next Aztec civilization, you build it within one inch of my (already-claimed) space. Are you lonely? Is that why you sit so damn close?

  3. All that crap you bring with you. Is anyone really going to wear those flippers?

  4. You have no CLUE how to install your patio-sized beach umbrella. And no matter how many times it flies away, you never think to pack it up. (I am only concerned for the safety of your children, of course.) Why do you need an umbrella, anyway...

  5. ...When you're also packing a barn-sized tent! If you're going to hide in your 'cabana' - why go outside in the first place? One would think to give that pasty skin a chance?

  6. This may come as a surprise, but...when you scream at your child on the beach, EVERYONE can hear you scream.

  7. I never thought I'd say this, but please put back on your "I Don't Do Mornings" Cat nightshirt, so I don't have to look at your C-section-revealing thong.

  8. The beach radio you turn to is "Hot 99.7." You not faking any level of coolness, and the music does not cover up your snoring, your husband's eating or your child's breathing. Speaking of which...

  9. A portion of your beach-day schedule:
    • 12:00 pm - Snack time!
    • 12:01 pm - Second snack time!
    • 12:05 pm - Lunch time!
    • 12:08 pm - Dessert time!
    • 12:10 pm - Post-lunch snack time!
And by the way, what will really happen if Flabby Albert doesn't have his 4th Gushers snack pack?

10. And finally, your inability to shake off a towel without getting sand all over everyone else. Is there no Mommy & Me class for this?

To recap - I am considerate of you. You are not considerate of me. As you pack up for the next Family Fun Day, please remember...the water is for you, the sand is for me!

To sun, sand and silence...

For more CB naughtiness click HERE

50 comments so far | Post a comment now
JLA May 27, 2008, 9:32 AM

Ugh, Mom Logic just stop posting these. She’s laaaame. There was nothing even remotely witty about this one or the last 2 you posted. See, the thing that makes these kind of posts fun is when their funny because they’re right. Not when they’re just complaining.

Paige May 27, 2008, 10:37 AM

ha wow. bad day at the beach?

bobbi May 27, 2008, 11:24 AM

Funny and true. You moms may be in denial, but as another CB, this is right on.

What is with all the food anyway??

Charli May 27, 2008, 12:17 PM

Ok…here is what I have to say about the water vs. the sand. First off if your kids don’t know how to swim you can’t let them get in the water. So therefore we need the sand. And it’s a public place. So everyone is welcome. plus when we are out on the beach we can let our kids get their energy out just like we can at a park but there is a place to let our kids cool off. And if we don’t feed our kids they will throw a really bad tantrum…and if you complain about that then which is worse? the food or a fit? My next question is how old are you? Do you not want kids do you not want to fill your life with the love and joy? Who are you to say what we should do and when we should do it. You should ask your mom how you were when you were a kid. That’s All I have to say!

Dee May 27, 2008, 1:30 PM

Let’s face it, Sometime we annoy you on purpose. The beach is a public place so get over yourself. Beside that swim suit is not fit for public viewing. We yell at the kids to annoy you and it was not an accident that the kids dropped ice cream on your towel. Also, no accident that the poop filled diaper is next to wear you are sitting.

Naomi May 27, 2008, 3:54 PM

This is actually really lame. I don’t fit into any of these stereotypes. This one doesn’t offend me one bit, so I think, CB is off target. Really, this one, out of all the other articles (which were marginally lame) is extremely lame.

Anonymous May 27, 2008, 5:31 PM

CB - There’s a reason for adult only beaches - YOU!!

Anonymous May 27, 2008, 6:09 PM

Childless Bitch is on target again! Love YOU!

sdla May 27, 2008, 7:14 PM

beaches are genraly packed, so the fact that people sit close to you is beyond their control, umbrellas are to keep from roasting allive, and I wear flippers

Kol May 27, 2008, 11:49 PM

The title of the rant is accurate.

Kol May 28, 2008, 12:00 AM

The title is accurate.

Mike Phillips May 28, 2008, 12:44 PM

What a terribly written article, honestly is this the best you can do?

Much like the dodo you are an evolutionary dead end. Get bent you hag.

Mike Phillips

Sam May 28, 2008, 4:00 PM

So let me ask you this, are you childless by choice, or is it that nasty attitude of yours? Could a guy be justified with hitting a woman like this? ;)

Sandy May 30, 2008, 4:20 PM

I think this comment is really funny.
These kind of things do happen and cause some to fume. I’ve only been to the sugar sand beaches of the Florida Panhandle, so I may not know just how great a problem this could be on other beaches. Maybe certain days could be set aside for hell-raising families and other days for, well, hell-raising bitches. :D

Meriah June 12, 2008, 6:05 PM

Well like some said the beach is a public place :) I would say if you don’t like it. . don’t go. I’m a new mom and you know. . I will bring evvverything I need to the beach. Good thing for you who agree I don’t live by a beach. :) If I can spend time with my kid, I really don’t care who is bothered by it, I’m going to enjoy my time there. If it is so annoying. . move your towel. . duh. Is it so hard to move?? :-)

Wendi June 13, 2008, 9:19 PM

I have two kids, but I’m with CB. People have stopped controling their kids—not just as the beach, but every where. It might be public property but that doesn’t mean I want your kids running around, kicking up sand and screaming at their top of their lungs.

Angela June 18, 2008, 12:10 PM

Okay I am the mother of 4 kids 9, 7, 3, 6mo and I have to say I actually agree with many of her points.I am so tired of other peoples screaming, whining, obnoxious children. It is not cute for a strangers child to ask me for a snack.It is not okay for some brat to come and take my childs toys or to sit there and dump sand on their head.It is not my responsibility to parent someone else’s child and yet I find myself having to for the sake of my own.And someone please tell me why they have the audacity to get offended because I tell them to “Leave him alone” or even “Go back to your parents”.Thats me but my husband has no problem telling them to “Get out of here!”.Yes, its public property BUT its not a let loose your little hellions on the world area.

Anonymous June 26, 2008, 6:59 PM

I can’t say i agree with every single thing CB said but i 100 percent agree with wendi and angela. i mean come on can’t some parents watch there kids better!? im 21 and i have only been a parent for 21 months but even i would know what to do if my son was going around dumping sand on others.

Anonymous June 27, 2008, 5:10 PM

Some things you say are true, about the inconsideration of others. Of course, there are rude, self centered people out there who let there kids run wild. However, this does not mean everyone that has a child fits this description. Who do you think you are? The comment about the csection scar was more than enough to see how cold hearted you are. Good luck in life, CB. Remember, you were a kid once……and I bet you were a brat as a child. You don’t seem to have an ounce of class.

NaNa Banana July 3, 2008, 6:21 AM

CB has some points…so what! The beach is for anyone darling. If you need so much peace and space buy an Island and stay on it.

Maybe I can get away with being just old enough to get away with telling unrully childern to behave (I do it all the time) I do not do it in a mean or nasty way. I treat them with respect and ask them nicley to be quieter or to go back to their play area…or what ever the situation might be. I have had many parents thank me for kindly addressing their children and helping them try to teach their children manners.

I find that good manners are easy to teach if the TEACHER has good manners. I have only had a few parents get upset that I have asked their child to stop doing something that was trully annoying, my reaction has been “if your child was in danger do you want me to ignor that as well?” The other retorte I have said that usually they get is “you as a parent are responcible for the damage or problems your childern get into, your child is disturbing the peace…or running in a dangerous manner…or has broken something, then I will hold you completly responcible and I will summon the authorities to have you and yours removed (arrested, fined or escorted away) which ever you choose. Every time they shut up and leave.

I address childern kindly, parents firmly but always politely and 99 percent of the time peace and calm is restored rather quickly.

I have also had the opportunity (too many times) to have parents arrested for beating their children (usually in stores once in a restroom) or they left their children in cars or for other abuses that I will not turn my head for. I am part of the Village people have mentioned.

I dare to care…do you?

I have also stopped Teens and preteens right in their tracks when they are out of control…I am not afraid to do the right thing for these young people. I have had these same young people come to me when they afraid of something when their paarents are not around because they know I will do what ever I can to help them. I have also helped their parents look for the ones that run away or get lost, I am a neighbor and friend of many families.

I have a fun and good life by being part of the soluton to these situations instead of being miserable and cranky…OMG…what will these cranky Adults be like when they are old like Me? Kind of a scary thought, huh?

If CB and friends want to have a really bad expeience get an attitude with a young child or person in front of me…go ahead make my day B***H!

Cookies and Milk anyone…?

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