Editor's Note: She' s back and bitchin' up a storm. This time, with the return of our Sex and the City friends, she's talking about how our relationships change once we have kids. Go figure?! Feel free to mix that cosmo, cause you'll need it to take this one....
There's no doubt about it, everyone and their mother is pumped for the upcoming Sex and the City movie. But let's take a step back for a moment and focus on the MOTHERS. That's right, since the final episode of Sex and the City, many of you have become baby-schlepping Mirandas, whether you want to admit it or not.
Despite this ENORMOUS change in your life, you seem to think we are still the same ol' 'girlfriends' from your single, sexy, and freakin' fantastic days. By the way - still completely my current life. [Insert smiles]
So, as you emerge from the cave that is your two-bedroom starter suburban home for the big Sex and the City feature presentation, or, your once-a-decade "Girls Night Out," I thought I would remind you of a few reasons why you are not as cool as you once were - and why our friendship will never be the same.
- You only talk about your Drooling Daniel, Constipated Connie or Fixed Fluffy. Could we talk about, dare I say, the world outside your Playskool Playhouse?
- You think a cosmo hangs from a musical mobile, Fendi is a Cheetah Doll character, and Christian Louboutin is a children's book author.
- I can't drink (heavily) when we go out because I ALWAYS have to drive. I'm not going to be caught dead in your Big Ass Baby Mover. I don't care how many television sets it has - if you have to use your entire body weight to open a door - I will not be seen with you.
- The $100 you paid the babysitter to step foot outside the house could have bought you some style. Just because you popped out a kid and have to pay to keep it alive doesn't give you a free fashion pass. Speaking of which ...
- Mom Jeans. Scratch that -- Baby Spit-Up Covered Mom Jeans.
- You have to be home early to put the "kids to bed." I'm sorry, but alcohol and sleeping pills work for kids too. Who knows, maybe you'll even solve Jimmy's restless leg syndrome?! Either way, where is that oh-so-perfect man you married for all this?
- When you have the courtesy to ask about my own life, you end up making ME feel bad for being honest. I'm not trying to brag. I really DID wake up at 11, get my hair and nails done around 1, meet my masseuse over cocktails at 3, and end the day on a dinner date with a wealthy male model. Sure he's dumb, but his abs are fiiiiine!
- You make your own baby food, own a compost bin and haul your kid around in a Baby Bjorn like he's a sack of groceries. Why do you need your hands free anyway? Your kid is supposedly the most important thing in your life, but it's too much effort to hold him? Next time I see you wearing that thing, I will teach your 4-year-old lots of fun four-letter words.
- Your favorite question to holler at me is, "How can you wear such HIGH heels?!!!" To which I mentally respond, "Hope those Aerosoles are fixing your arthritis because they are doing nothing to hide your spider veins."
- Going anywhere in public with you is like traveling by wagon with the Clampetts. Does the poopy diaper bag, double-wide stroller, and singing swing really need to taken to Sunday brunch? Not so much.
Face the facts, Friend. In this map of life, you chose a gravel path, I chose a gold-studded path. Both roads get you where you want to go - one is just more glamorous than the other. We can still be friends -- it will just take a few years...and a moving truck drop-off at a college campus.
I know what you cranky moms are going to say, "We don't want to be your friend either!" Well, WAH WAH WAH! Come on! You know that is a complete and utter LIE. You sooo want to be my friend. Get close to the life you'll never have again. Why else do you love Sex and the City so much? Ok, so you may still have (a little) sex, but at least I can still fit in the clothing.