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The Childless Bitch is Back!

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Editor's Note: She' s back and bitchin' up a storm. This time, with the return of our Sex and the City friends, she's talking about how our relationships change once we have kids. Go figure?! Feel free to mix that cosmo, cause you'll need it to take this one....

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There's no doubt about it, everyone and their mother is pumped for the upcoming Sex and the City movie. But let's take a step back for a moment and focus on the MOTHERS. That's right, since the final episode of Sex and the City, many of you have become baby-schlepping Mirandas, whether you want to admit it or not.

Despite this ENORMOUS change in your life, you seem to think we are still the same ol' 'girlfriends' from your single, sexy, and freakin' fantastic days. By the way - still completely my current life. [Insert smiles]

So, as you emerge from the cave that is your two-bedroom starter suburban home for the big Sex and the City feature presentation, or, your once-a-decade "Girls Night Out," I thought I would remind you of a few reasons why you are not as cool as you once were - and why our friendship will never be the same.

  1. You only talk about your Drooling Daniel, Constipated Connie or Fixed Fluffy. Could we talk about, dare I say, the world outside your Playskool Playhouse?

  2. You think a cosmo hangs from a musical mobile, Fendi is a Cheetah Doll character, and Christian Louboutin is a children's book author.

  3. I can't drink (heavily) when we go out because I ALWAYS have to drive.  I'm not going to be caught dead in your Big Ass Baby Mover. I don't care how many television sets it has - if you have to use your entire body weight to open a door - I will not be seen with you.

  4. The $100 you paid the babysitter to step foot outside the house could have bought you some style.  Just because you popped out a kid and have to pay to keep it alive doesn't give you a free fashion pass.  Speaking of which ...

  5. Mom Jeans. Scratch that -- Baby Spit-Up Covered Mom Jeans.

  6. You have to be home early to put the "kids to bed."  I'm sorry, but alcohol and sleeping pills work for kids too.  Who knows, maybe you'll even solve Jimmy's restless leg syndrome?!  Either way, where is that oh-so-perfect man you married for all this?

  7. When you have the courtesy to ask about my own life, you end up making ME feel bad for being honest. I'm not trying to brag. I really DID wake up at 11, get my hair and nails done around 1, meet my masseuse over cocktails at 3, and end the day on a dinner date with a wealthy male model. Sure he's dumb, but his abs are fiiiiine!

  8. You make your own baby food, own a compost bin and haul your kid around in a Baby Bjorn like he's a sack of groceries.  Why do you need your hands free anyway? Your kid is supposedly the most important thing in your life, but it's too much effort to hold him? Next time I see you wearing that thing, I will teach your 4-year-old lots of fun four-letter words.

  9. Your favorite question to holler at me is, "How can you wear such HIGH heels?!!!" To which I mentally respond, "Hope those Aerosoles are fixing your arthritis because they are doing nothing to hide your spider veins."

  10. Going anywhere in public with you is like traveling by wagon with the Clampetts. Does the poopy diaper bag, double-wide stroller, and singing swing really need to taken to Sunday brunch? Not so much.

Face the facts, Friend. In this map of life, you chose a gravel path, I chose a gold-studded path. Both roads get you where you want to go - one is just more glamorous than the other. We can still be friends -- it will just take a few years...and a moving truck drop-off at a college campus.

I know what you cranky moms are going to say, "We don't want to be your friend either!" Well, WAH WAH WAH! Come on! You know that is a complete and utter LIE. You sooo want to be my friend. Get close to the life you'll never have again. Why else do you love Sex and the City so much? Ok, so you may still have (a little) sex, but at least I can still fit in the clothing.

Cheers!

-CB


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33 comments so far | Post a comment now
Misty-Jo May 15, 2008, 7:42 AM

I’m rolling over laughing. This is AWESOME!!

April May 15, 2008, 8:46 AM

I’m a mother, but I love the Childless Bitch!

DeAnna May 15, 2008, 8:59 AM

This is offensive on so many levels. First, She will die alone and sad while mothers are surrounded with love. Second, isn’t this a MOM site?
Third, maybe she is single because her she is not as wonder as she believes. I will take my loving husband and children over her bitter life any day.

Trisha A. May 15, 2008, 9:43 AM

Hilarious. And yes, DeAnna, this is a mom site. A fantastic one at that—it makes us think, cry and LAUGH.

Motherhood hasn’t robbed you of your sense of humor, has it? Perhaps the CB has forgotten a point …

Unknownbastard May 15, 2008, 12:07 PM

I hate the childless bitch and this is my first visit to this site. For one thing, I hate sex in the city, therefore i would never want to be your freind, and also, you seem to be making an appeal for your wasted life.

Nicole J. May 15, 2008, 12:57 PM

Hi-lar-i-ous! Some of this is true of me and is definitely true of some other moms I know.

I feel sorry for the children of the humorless.

Rita May 15, 2008, 1:28 PM

I cant believe this person! Isn’t it enough we have men telling us that we arent useful after 30 or after kids… but to have another female do it… my goodness! This just perpetuates these rumors. I am over 30 , I have 3 wonderful children and I am the coolest mom around. Most people don’t even know I am a mom cuz I have such a great figure! Sex maybe be in the city but its better in the burbs!

Annie May 15, 2008, 1:35 PM

Hey Childless Bitch. After you accidentally find yourself toting a baby around after one too many drunken mistakes, I’ve got the perfect babysitter for you — children’s services! All that alcohol-tainted breast milk probably won’t isn’t healthy for a child.

Michelle May 15, 2008, 1:37 PM

Witty, clever, and classic CB!

Honesty and reality are subjective here! Undeniably there are quite a few presumptions which stem from a sort of “mother” ignorance here. The CB acronym spells this out! Right? And yes, the generalizations can make some readers feel insulted. Think though, its the same kind of “stuff” that fantasy and stories stem from…

Truthfully, some would call it creative!

On a side note: My own experience has been fortunate enough to observe so many different types of mothers from all walks of life. Reading MomLogic demonstrates this… Here, the “Sex and the City” type that CB critiques is a very finite slice of the greater mother’s group.

That being said, kudos to CB for the brutal honesty right?!?

Well then and until the next CB rant…

April May 15, 2008, 1:44 PM

Apparently motherhood robs some people of their grammar skills, as well as their sense of humor.

Naomi May 15, 2008, 2:05 PM

Wow. This can’t be a serious post. I haven’t chosen the self centered shallow path, instead I’ve chosen a path that will actually mean something for the future. I really hope this is a joke. Any person that doesn’t like children or animals is EVIL.

Niocle May 15, 2008, 3:15 PM

have fun dying alone CB, maybe you’ll get lucky and OD on those sleeping pills or go into liver failure from all those Cosmo’s ooh now thats sexy… bloated and a yellow/orange skin hue, what a fab way to go.
PS- not a SIC fan sorry, Already been there & done that in real life… sometimes you really just need to grow up

Anonymous May 15, 2008, 6:22 PM

I’m a mom, but totally not offended! If CB is happy with her life more power to her! I do thing she’s dead wrong about the jealousy part, though I wouldn’t trade being a mommy for anything! I feel a little sad for my friends without children. There’s NOTHING as wonderful as snuggling my sweet baby. She melts my heart. :)

Naomi May 15, 2008, 7:25 PM

Once again, any person who seriously hates kids that much, is EVIL.

Suzanne May 16, 2008, 12:31 PM

Come on people! This is not a real post. It is supposed to be funny and timely with the SATC movie premiering soon. Get over yourselves! I have two wonderful daughters (4 years old and 9 months old) and I still think it is too funny. Lighten up! We can’t have it all and that is what the post is implying. Geez, stop with the war on whether women should have kids. Some are not cut out for it and others are.

Jennifer May 17, 2008, 3:30 PM

I hope god blesses her with twins that have colic. Oh and btw, I don’t want to be your friend. Your life is obviously not that great if you feel the need to put other women down. I still have style, I can fit in my prepregnancy clothes, have other things to talk about other than being married with kids, etc. So stop being so ignorant.

mommytime May 18, 2008, 2:20 AM

OK, so I’m not offended at all—to each their own. But I also don’t think this is very funny. It’s just filled with stereotypes—both of the typical “not cool anymore” mom and the “sexy single i don’t want kids ever” woman. Maybe stereotypes are funny nowadays?

shelleyb321 May 20, 2008, 10:37 PM

heak yeah to rita way up top
i think the cb is in a sad way funny.
it may not be high fashion but its mom fashion, spit up is a badge of honnor.
sex in the city but in the burbs its in the landry room, kitchen and any other quick place you can get it with a man how loves you in your mom jeans and all

PTSUE May 22, 2008, 12:00 AM

TO ALL YOU SPECIAL MOTHER’S WHO HAVE TRULY BEEN BLESSED WITH CHILDREN, I AM ONE OF THE VERY UNFORTUNATE, I CAN NOT HAVE CHILDREN AND IF I COULD I WOULD HAVE AT LEAST 5, I JUST ADORE CHILDREN, DO NOT TAKE THIS WOMEN SERIOUS, WHEN SHE GETS OLD AND LONELY AND MISERABLE AS SHE SITS IN HER CHAIR TALKING TO HERSELF, SHE WILL REMEMBER WHEN SHE WROTE THIS AND REALIZE WHAT A JACK —- SHE WAS. I ADMIRE EACH OF YOU FOR WHAT YOU DO. JUST WISH I COULD OF BEEN ONE TOO.

Sherifa June 4, 2008, 2:19 AM

lol….as I am reading through these “articles” by this single woman I find it hilarious and insulting at the same time. You might want to up your education because making generalizations like these aren’t exactly the brightest idea you’ve had in your life. I know plenty of mothers who have more style, money, and class than their single friends, myself being one of them. But all that aside, if you’re so happy being single then why are you spending so much time writing these “articles”? Why don’t you utilize this time to find something productive to do with your life? Here’s a hint, maybe the problem you have is not with the mothers and their children but with yourself. Get some friends, get a pet, get a therapist, and most importantly, get over it.


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