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The Childless Bitch is Back!

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Editor's Note: She' s back and bitchin' up a storm. This time, with the return of our Sex and the City friends, she's talking about how our relationships change once we have kids. Go figure?! Feel free to mix that cosmo, cause you'll need it to take this one....

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There's no doubt about it, everyone and their mother is pumped for the upcoming Sex and the City movie. But let's take a step back for a moment and focus on the MOTHERS. That's right, since the final episode of Sex and the City, many of you have become baby-schlepping Mirandas, whether you want to admit it or not.

Despite this ENORMOUS change in your life, you seem to think we are still the same ol' 'girlfriends' from your single, sexy, and freakin' fantastic days. By the way - still completely my current life. [Insert smiles]

So, as you emerge from the cave that is your two-bedroom starter suburban home for the big Sex and the City feature presentation, or, your once-a-decade "Girls Night Out," I thought I would remind you of a few reasons why you are not as cool as you once were - and why our friendship will never be the same.

  1. You only talk about your Drooling Daniel, Constipated Connie or Fixed Fluffy. Could we talk about, dare I say, the world outside your Playskool Playhouse?

  2. You think a cosmo hangs from a musical mobile, Fendi is a Cheetah Doll character, and Christian Louboutin is a children's book author.

  3. I can't drink (heavily) when we go out because I ALWAYS have to drive.  I'm not going to be caught dead in your Big Ass Baby Mover. I don't care how many television sets it has - if you have to use your entire body weight to open a door - I will not be seen with you.

  4. The $100 you paid the babysitter to step foot outside the house could have bought you some style.  Just because you popped out a kid and have to pay to keep it alive doesn't give you a free fashion pass.  Speaking of which ...

  5. Mom Jeans. Scratch that -- Baby Spit-Up Covered Mom Jeans.

  6. You have to be home early to put the "kids to bed."  I'm sorry, but alcohol and sleeping pills work for kids too.  Who knows, maybe you'll even solve Jimmy's restless leg syndrome?!  Either way, where is that oh-so-perfect man you married for all this?

  7. When you have the courtesy to ask about my own life, you end up making ME feel bad for being honest. I'm not trying to brag. I really DID wake up at 11, get my hair and nails done around 1, meet my masseuse over cocktails at 3, and end the day on a dinner date with a wealthy male model. Sure he's dumb, but his abs are fiiiiine!

  8. You make your own baby food, own a compost bin and haul your kid around in a Baby Bjorn like he's a sack of groceries.  Why do you need your hands free anyway? Your kid is supposedly the most important thing in your life, but it's too much effort to hold him? Next time I see you wearing that thing, I will teach your 4-year-old lots of fun four-letter words.

  9. Your favorite question to holler at me is, "How can you wear such HIGH heels?!!!" To which I mentally respond, "Hope those Aerosoles are fixing your arthritis because they are doing nothing to hide your spider veins."

  10. Going anywhere in public with you is like traveling by wagon with the Clampetts. Does the poopy diaper bag, double-wide stroller, and singing swing really need to taken to Sunday brunch? Not so much.

Face the facts, Friend. In this map of life, you chose a gravel path, I chose a gold-studded path. Both roads get you where you want to go - one is just more glamorous than the other. We can still be friends -- it will just take a few years...and a moving truck drop-off at a college campus.

I know what you cranky moms are going to say, "We don't want to be your friend either!" Well, WAH WAH WAH! Come on! You know that is a complete and utter LIE. You sooo want to be my friend. Get close to the life you'll never have again. Why else do you love Sex and the City so much? Ok, so you may still have (a little) sex, but at least I can still fit in the clothing.

Cheers!

-CB


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33 comments so far | Post a comment now
LBoogie0617 June 8, 2008, 2:40 PM

Everyone is entitled to an opinion. The only problem I really see from her postings, is how she automatically puts all mothers and all children into one box. Yes alot of us do know who Christian Louboutin is ( I love his shoes) and wouldn’t be caught dead in a pair of the dreaded mom jeans. Not every woman or every child is in the same situation. I used to feel the same way about kids before I unexpectedly got pregnant. I thought my life was over. I liked my shallow life of going out and drinking all the time and doing what I wanted when I wanted. But life throws crap at you sometimes and you just have to go with it. Sure I do miss things like sleeping past 630 am and being able to go anywhere at the drop of a hat, but I am a much better human being today than I was then. I have learned lessons in humilty and self sacrifice and most importantly how to recognize what things are worth getting worked up and pissed off about and what things are just not worth the time or energy it takes to get mad. Allowing myself to be angered by one superficial woman for her limited vision and desire to make other people feel bad is one of those things that just ain’t worth the energy. I do wonder why she exhausts so much of her time being pissed off and posting mean comments on a mom website. I guess her uberexciting life isn’t all that exciting or she’d be doing something else.

Fawn Cole June 16, 2008, 10:28 AM

Do you have any girlfriends to hang out with? I am glad you will be the fifty year old at the bar drinking your cosmo and men asking you what your daughter looks like?!!

lovelyeve June 17, 2008, 10:12 PM

let me tell ya… I had a baby and I weigh 115 lbs! I go out with my friends and my jeans dont have spit up! did you fordet you where a baby? Keep dreaming girl! fabulos sex in the city life??? did you forget its a fictional show??? oh wait did you mom feed you alchool and sleeping pills? sounds like it!

Raven July 2, 2008, 4:00 PM

Dammit i wanted to hate her but I love her. Maybe she should get a regular spot here cause i would sure read it and laugh at how life used to be. Then again when she is sagging and wrinkled and needing help to wipe her ass well…….. we have kids. Who does she have? I lived it and loved it and now i grew up and had brats of my own. Wouldnt trade them for the world but wouldnt want that dating scene she gets again either.

goche21 August 4, 2008, 6:18 AM

These kinds of women [I use the term loosely here] are ones I make a habit to not talk to. I Sooo Don’t want to be her friend ((Excuse me while I gag from that overly preppy so)).

I agree with Sherifa, if this woman hates children so much then why does she feel the need to continuously make articles to a Mom site? Could it be that she actually craves the attention of a former friend-turned-mom? Seems logical to me, this attention whoring woman thinks she loses a friend to a child, so she takes it out on everyone. You know what CB, get a life!

Anonymous August 12, 2008, 10:14 PM

I love her. She speaks the truth!!!! Keep talking!!

Rachael August 23, 2008, 7:41 PM

…something tells me she’s very very young. She speaks and writes as I did at 21. Now at 28, I STILL sport my heels, Citizens, and that um FABULOUS leather jacket the father of my children (who just happens to be a wealthy, very attractive, and educated man) bought me. I love my life, and if my kid spits up on my Citizens? It’s crazy what a little soap and water will do!

alexandra September 16, 2008, 10:18 AM

this is hilarious cant anybody see that this woman is very jealous of not having children? Actually it is very sad and i hope that she can really be honest with herself and stop living through Sex and the City! There is nothing to be upset about unless you really do envy the single life! Yes somedays i wish that i was as carefree as my single friends but then i see how much they are looking forward to having kids and being married! I loved life when i was single and then it came a time that i was ready to have more! and i wouldnt trade this for anything! So hate on CB you make me feel soooo good!

momoftheyear February 28, 2009, 8:46 PM

i’m a mom who is still a B!tch ; )
i love the humour - ‘cause it’s completely untrue - yet true at the same time, therefore hilarious.
since having a baby, i’ve never felt better. i’m in better shape and go to the gym 4 times a week so i can be healthy and be around to see my child grow up.
no mom jeans here!!! and i can still enjoy a cosmo or two after baby is in bed. Some women really can have it ALLLL!

Joyce March 17, 2009, 3:41 PM

{Sighs} POOR, SAD, AND PATHEIC CB WITH THE BARREN WOMB. {Shaking head}

Kaitlin May 29, 2009, 3:30 PM

Ok:
1) Just because she is currently single does not mean she will die alone.
2) Just because she chooses to be single and a party-girl does not mean she is not happy.
3) Just because you have kids does not mean you WONT die alone - they could die or hate you and not want to put up with you once they are able to move out.
kthnx

Rita October 13, 2009, 7:01 PM

I’m a 30 year old mom of 2 kids. I have never worn a pair of mom jeans, never even been near a pair of them. I have other subjects to talk about other then my children/family/husband, I STILL get carded, um…I keep my hair styled and highlighted, and no it’s not to cover up greys for I DON’T HAVE ANY. See, most moms are still pretty damn cool. Add me to Twitter if you want: joestxgirl

fabc October 27, 2009, 8:00 AM

Ladies! Get over it - it is humor! I found it hilarious and am sharing with everyone I know. Why? Because it’s making generalizations that we all know are untrue (most of the time)from the mommy side as well as her single side. What happened to your sense of humor for those that say she is hateful? This gave me a good laugh!


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