Most kids songs are cute--but some are just wrong.
Momlogic's Momstrosity: In the world of well-worn kids' songs, there's the good, the bad, and the annoying. Those melodies and lyrics are so hardwired into our psyche, we don't even know the meaning of what we're singing.
We say -- stop the madness! Here are five songs that should be stricken from the most popular kids' song lists:
1) Rock-a-Bye Baby
Why this song is considered a lullaby is anyone's guess. What it is, is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Who was the manufacturer of that cradle? It obviously should be recalled before more unsuspecting babies plummet to the ground. Lulling your child to sleep with a tale of a shoddily constructed bed is like telling them the Big Bad Wolf will be waiting for them in their dreams. Not advised.
2) I Love You, You Love Me (Sung by Barney to the tune of This Old Man)
Not a traditional song, but on its way to becoming a kid standard. This sickeningly sweet song is like eating cotton candy dipped in maple syrup and arsenic. What's up with the line, "We're a happy family?" Because last time we checked our family tree, it didn't include an extinct purple PBS dinosaur. Then it just gets sad. "Won't you say you love me too?" One lesson we should teach our kids right out of the gate: Don't ask people if they love you. It makes you look pathetic. The only time you should be asking is when you're drunk at a bar nearing last call.
3) Five Little Monkeys Jumping On The Bed
What clown thought a children's song about a bunch of monkeys jumping up and down on a bed was a good idea? Sure, the mom comes in with her cautionary advice from the doctor in the refrain: "No more monkeys jumping on the bed!" But that doesn't stop the other monkeys -- or your kid -- from suffering the very same concussion after whacking their heads on to the corner of the nightstand. Hey, at least it's better than the much less popular song, "Five Little Monkeys Light the Bed on Fire."
4) Ring Around The Rosy
The meaning of this song is anything but rosy. Sure it has that fun finale "we all fall down," but unfortunately -- since the lyrics are in reference to the Black Plague of 1665 -- everyone's falling because they're dropping dead. Here's a breakdown of a few lyrics:
Ring around the rosy
First symptom of the plague was red, rosy cheeks-- think about that the next time you brush on your L'Oreal mauve blush.
Pocket full of Posies
In a futile attempt to ward off the "black death," people would carry posie petals in their pockets--about the equivalent of a glass of Airborne -- totally useless.
Ashes, ashes we all fall down
A children's song that references a standard burial sermon? Hey kids, let's go to a funeral!
5) There's a Hole in the Bucket
First major problem of this traditional folk song is, it has no end -- kind of like housework. It incorporates something known as an infinite-loop motif -- which in layman's terms means singing it will make you go loopy. What's more, it's sung in an irritating, monotonous rhythm by two country bumpkins named Henry and Liza. The pair -- perhaps a dysfunctional married couple -- are trapped in a living hell over a broken bucket. After 17-plus refrains of this never-ending tune you'll feel like kicking the bucket yourself.
Henry: There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza, There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, a hole.
Liza: Well fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry, well fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry, fix it.
Henry: With what shall I fix it, dear Liza, dear Liza, with what shall I fix it, dear Liza, with what?
Liza: With straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry, with straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, with straw...
Sweet Lord! Liza and Henry -- get off your asses and go buy a new bucket -- you can get one at any 99-cent store.