It is 1:15 a.m. and I am still awake. Not because I went out dancing or had a late night movie on, it is because my husband is a cop. He left for work today at 16:40 and said he would be home at 3 a.m. ... will he? What did the wife of the slain Tucson officer have planned for her Sunday evening with her husband? Taking the baby for a walk? Cooking a nice dinner? All I keep thinking is, how do you plan for what she had to face?

One of our finest was taken from us too young and too soon. He left two children, a wife, and his parents. What plans are they going to make? Do you stop planning when this happens? Do you stop planning when you marry a cop?

Lately, my husband and I are at two different sides of a continuing fight. Money. Raising a teenager. You name it--it's overflowing our plate and creating a huge rift in this beautiful love that we have committed to. When do you stop and say "Forget it! We are alive and you came home from work and that is all that matters"? How do you put it all aside?

How can I sleep not knowing if my husband is going to be a victim of a mindless crime? The minute he gets in the shower, puts on his uniform and walks out the door, I inhale. When I hear the garage door or the TV go on or feel him pull the covers over his tired body, I exhale. He is home. At least for now. Every time my husband's phone rings, my heart races and I want to throw it. I want to grab the phone and say, "he is home and he is safe, so leave him be." I know he is excellent at his job, but no one can stop a bullet or a bomb from taking him from me ... from us.

I remember when we met, and he told me, "It takes a strong woman to be a cop's wife." I thought that was so silly. I know now that was the truest thing that anyone has ever said to me. When I signed on to this relationship and then accepted his proposal, I knew I was signing on to a life of sleepless nights and constant worry. Every time I hear a siren or see a police car, I think of my love.

As with everything, these feelings are stronger at times than others. All of these feelings have overwhelmed me in this time of loss. There have been too many deaths. Being the wife of a cop has so many wonderful advantages. Seeing these men and women all come together at a time of such grief and sadness is truly beautiful. We need to make this happen at a time of happiness. We need to come together and celebrate life.

I am still sitting here at 1:44 a.m. wondering if and when my husband is coming home. I am going to celebrate his return. I am going to stop planning on being close to him and start being close to him. I am going to enjoy our time together. As with everyone, we know our time is precious and needs to be celebrated every day.