Breadwinner vs. Bread Makers

 

I read all of these, and it’s still the battle of the working mom vs the SAHM. I was lucky, my husband had a small retail business and I took my children to work with me, so I was both a working mom and a SAHM. I was selfish, I wanted to be the one hugging my children and seeing their first steps and scolding them and loving them. The thing of it is, basically what all of us are looking for is a pat on the shoulder, a “you’re doing a good job”. We all find value and self worth in different aspects of our lives. I cannot say how many hours I volunteered at school, I have seen all of the moms talked about in your blogs and in her article. It would drive me nuts for a mom to come to school to volunteer at an event and spend the entire time holding her purse. And I loved to listen to some of the moms “out do each other” in terms of busyness and vacation plans. It was better than watching a sitcom. A parent came into the shop one day and was surprised to see me behind the counter. “I thought you were a leisure mom,” she said to me. Leisure mom? I didn’t know such a thing existed. The thing of it is, don’t the majority of moms want whats ‘best’ for their children? My children were happy to see me at the school, in the background (well, until High School of course). I could not volunteer a lot in the classroom, but if there was an event, I usually was involved in some aspect. And now I see my two oldest children in the working world (I do volunteer work at one of the places they work) and I am so proud of them. I see aspects of myself and their father, the hard work ethnics my parents gave to me, made every hour I worked, every hour I volunteered and every moment of sleep I gave up worth it. My youngest is sixteen. And I will say this to all of you….stop worrying about what the next ‘mom’ thinks about you and use that time to enjoy everything about your children. I have told my children that they are the three most wonderful gifts God gave me and I am most fortunate to

- Vicki

Posted 07/01/08 09:06 AM

 

 

Well this was a very interesting conversation and there were only a couple that stated pure facts that if we would all just help one another out, show some LOVE and compassion for one another our lives would be alot better. Love is the answer with out it all the things we do whether behind a desk or in front of a Stove is worth nothing at all. I have also done both and enjoyed them both. I have a 2 year old daughter and I quit working for about ten months to spend sometime with her, and pursue a less time consuming career. My responsibilities didn’t change, My daughter is happy one way or the other and so am I, and thats really what matters LOVE is always there and she knows it. Love one another being a mother is not a job but a priveledge ask someone who can not have children…Love what you have and embrace it no matter what

- Mo

Posted 07/01/08 09:22 AM

 

 

I’m a stay at home momma, 2 boys (4 and 2). I love being a sahm. My husband is USN and is gone most of the year on a submarine. My sister-in-law works full time and takes care of her and my brothers 3 children. She and I both have our ups and downs. We are there for each other though. SAHM and working moms aren’t all that different, we’re all just trying to take care of our children. Motherhood is not a competition of who can do more in a day, enjoy the time you have with your children.

- me

Posted 07/01/08 09:42 AM

 

 

Wow - I would hate to be lumped into a category based on the actions of a few people! I wonder if the writer wants me to lump her into a category based on the actions of a few working moms I know. So absent from their kids lives that as high schoolers the kids are floundering! I’m really disappointed in MomLogic that instead of promoting that all moms work hard, and trying to erase the Working vs. SAHM war, that they would intentionally post an article that was flagrantly meant to inflame. I will be unsubscribing. Everybody makes their own choices and live with them. Each mom must do what works for her family and deal with it.

- Tanya

Posted 07/01/08 10:53 AM

 

 

I am extremely interested at all the hype about this article. It is here to make us all think. I have been both a SAHM and a working for pay mother. Both of those are hard. When you are a stay at home you tend to take on more than you do any other time. When you work out of the home you do what you can when you can do it. I have went to most of my childrens activities. I personally was unable to attend every single thing that the 3 of them were in. My children know that I tried. That what I did attend was very important. I do not have to be there to see every milestone in their lives. Isn’t that an unrealistic goal to place on parents. Plus do you really want to teach our children unrealistic goals? What both sets of mothers need to understand the only important thing is … Do our children feel loved, do they have an outlet for communication, do they have morals and values instilled in them. To me that is all that is important not whose paycheck pays the bills.

- Ami

Posted 07/01/08 11:22 AM

 

 

Everyone makes their own decision, stay home or not, based on their priorities and economic status. For some there is no choice at all. Remember, it isn’t whether or not you work outside the home that makes you a better (or worse)mom. It’s how you spend the time that you do have with your kids. Make it count, let them know you love them, teach them to be nice people. Whichever you are, don’t moan about it … people don’t like people who are always negative.

- Sandy

Posted 07/01/08 11:25 AM

 

 

I am amazed at how this can be a compitition. We as mothers are here for our children. I have been both. A working mother and now a SAHM. I have to say both is hard but the the hardest of the two is being a SAHM. We get no break and if somebody hears us complain about that well that is what we are talking about that there is no escape for us it is 24/7 literally. I have this argument with my own husband at least once a week. He doesnt understand just like you full time working mothers dont understand. We dont get breaks, lunches, vacations…. It never stops. I am not complaining by no means because this is what I chose to do. Fortunatly for our family I was able to stay home after we had our second daughter but I know there are a lot of people out there who cant do that or choose not too, and that is OK. It doesnt make one mom better than the other. Like I said our children come first. I also dont think this mother is bitter or jealous, I think she was having a bad day and what ever happen that day set her off. I wish all of you plus myself LUCK! :-)

- Janell

Posted 07/01/08 12:15 PM

 

 

AMEN, Sister! I can not STAND whining SAHMs like that. They should have to trade with a working mom for one week- that would shut them up! Now I know that not all SAHMs are like that, but the ones that you described are FAR too prevalent in our society and that is just SAD.

- J

Posted 07/01/08 01:20 PM

 

 

Well, we do what we need to do in order to make our day to day lives work the best for each one of us individually. There are pros and cons to each situation but hey that is LIFE.

- Tonya

Posted 07/01/08 02:21 PM

 

 

What rubbish. Employed mothers can definitely be good mothers, but so can ones who stay home with their kids; both can be equally bad parents as well. I’m so sorry the author ran across some whiners - nobody likes a whiner (such as the author). I’m really offended, however, regarding the notion that SAHMs don’t work. I just DARE the author of this to tell a babysitter or day care worker that they aren’t really working. SAHMs do that and a LOT more. The narrow-minded author didn’t even take into consideration that people have different levels of abilities and that perhaps the moms she heard talking about being stressed had some difficulty they didn’t share with the obviously holier-than-thou author (with good reason)? I, for one, have narcolepsy and a couple of other inhibiting health factors and do a very fine job taking care of my extremely rambunctious family despite my limitations. I dare say it’s more of an effort for me than for some to get everything taken care of that needs it, and I’m not able to hold outside employment. Do you hear me whining that other apparently able-bodied moms don’t have a right to be overwhelmed at times? No! I don’t know what they are going through any more than that author knows everything going on with the moms she is so quick to criticize. SAHMs work full time without getting paid, without getting recognition, and then they have to put up with crap from employed moms who think they’re so much more fabulous because they let others take care of their kid(s) most of the time. I also disagree with the statement that employed mothers are full time moms. Certainly they can be good moms and they don’t stop being moms just because they are employed, but seeing one’s kids a couple of hours a night before they go to bed, fleetingly in the morning before work, and otherwise two days out of the week hardly qualifies as full time. Full time moms are the ones who spend most of the kids’ waking hours actually mothering them.

- Proud , working SAHM

Posted 07/01/08 02:46 PM

 

 

I have not read every post to this blog yet, but here is what I see. I agree with those of you who say we are all doing what is best for our children. Some of us are not lucky enough to just be a SAHM. I stay at home with my kids, but I work 10 hours everyday taking care of 9 other kids whose not as lucky or crazy as I am to do my job. I have been in both postions here. Work out of the house and now working within by doing childcare. I have to do something to make money for my family. We all work at being moms. We need to lay off the bickering ad the back stabbing and just know we are moms and we are all doing th best. Maybe if we stopped bickering about who is a better mom and actually work together we can all be great not better than the other. I know how hard it is for each of the moms I see walk out leaving their kids with me. But to know their child will be so glad to see them when they come to pick them up is so sweet. Little things like that I miss because I am with my kids 24-7. We all miss out on things of our children, but it doesn’t make us a bad mom. For pete’s sake I was at home with my youngest and still missed her very first step. Let’s put this argument to rest now please. Just remember we are all doing our best!

- Yvonne

Posted 07/01/08 03:13 PM

 

 

Dear Jane: I am a working father who is able to put my wife in a position to stay at home and do something that you would never be able to do; give your children the emotional support, that’s lacking in the world today, with our youth. With teen suicide at an all time high, children need their mother at home. I know this because my father, put my mother, in a position where she had to work my entire childhood, my brother and I grew up with nobody to teach us the things that you don’t learn in school. We also grew up very immature and spoiled because my mother compinsated for her inability to spend time with us by buying us material thing’s we didn’t need, near as bad as we needed love. My mom had to do all the things you say that you do, work full time job, come home, cook a 4 course meal, do the dishes, keep the house clean, and have a few minutes for her self(very few minutes) after that it was time for bed, no time for her children or herself for that matter, before you go running down mothers for not being in a position that you obviously have chosen to put yourself in(because you need to idenify yourself as more than just a housewife) ask your children where they would want you to be ( at home or at work )

- eric

Posted 07/01/08 05:20 PM

 

 

Unbelievable…I am glad to see where peoples priorities are. They first priority is your child. You do what you have to do for them only and not yourself. If you choose to work but have the opportunity to stay at home then you are wrong plain and simple! Don’t have the kids if you don’t want to raise them. It is way more economical to be a SAHM anyways. We have more money now then when I did work a full time job. Since I don’t have to pay others to raise my children and spend money to gas up a car to ruin our panet as well. Some SAHM are obnoxious but majority are not. I do not go to the gym or play tennis or even see any of my friends. I do not crave the adult time with others since my husband provides everything I need. I have so much to do during a day with a 5 year old and a 6 month old. I feel like I work 3 full time jobs. I know that those women who do work full time with children have it just as bad but that does not give you the right to whine worse than those other women you were around. Face it women are never happy no matter what they choose to do. Most are all typical whinners because they do not know how to communicate otherwise. I listen to it but I am like another lady that commented earlier, I have daddy take her to some things to so I don’t have to listen. I think the topic has been debated enough. Just look at the current generation of children. Its a shame.

- Amanda

Posted 07/01/08 06:49 PM

 

 

To Fran who commented earlier: I don’t know what kind of teachers you have working in the school systems where you live, but around here the teachers actively encourage parental participation. It’s really important to get parents involved with their kids’ education as much as possible; and if that means they are able to be active at the school, all the better! Typically it isn’t the kids with involved parents that end up in trouble nearly so often as with the families whose parents are unavailable to their children. While donations to a school are appreciated, all the donations in the world won’t make a bit of difference if the parents think throwing money at a situation will substitute for hands-on parenting. When it comes to the welfare of my students, I’d rather have the dirt-poor parent coming in to help out when s/he can than have some rich, uninvolved parent handing out money. Please note that I’m not saying the only options are poor and involved or rich and uninvolved; I am saying that I completely disagree that the schools need money more than parents who care enough to be involved. I also acknowledge that some parents want to be more involved but can’t because of employment and/or other issues; but I’ve yet to meet a teacher who didn’t welcome constructive parental involvement in the school.

- A Teacher

Posted 07/01/08 09:21 PM

 

 

What a controversial topic. Unfortunately, women are the hardest on each other regarding the decision to work or stay home. It comes from both sides. Ultimately each woman needs to figure out what balance of work and home life is best for her and be content with that. Isn’t that what this is about? Contentment? No matter what I am doing, this article reminds me to be thankful rather than complain. Complaining and whining, is, as accurately displayed in this article, an ugly and unproductive waste. When my attitude lacks gratitude my perspective gets clouded and my mind is cluttered. A good reminder to keep a positive attitude for myself, my kids, and anyone else I may come into contact with!

- Jenn

Posted 07/01/08 09:56 PM

 

 

I have done both. Work out of the home, staty at home, then started a company at home to be with my daughter. All of the above scenarios have been challenging. Let’s just give evryone credit.

- sharon

Posted 07/01/08 11:25 PM

 

 

I have been a outside of the home working single mom and a stay at home mom. I would rather have the latter. Because when I worked, I had to decide which of my child’s event I was going to have to miss because I just couldn’t take off. I was exhausted everyday after work and still had to do the mom things. But what I like about it was that I was very independent. This is my second marriage and I am very lucky to be able to stay home and raise the kids. I volunteer and help out with my friends with kids who have to work full time. I do all the house hold duties and I am there when my husband and kids need me. I also do things so I can stay home like volunteering at the Y. So we can afford it for the kids. I coupon clip and bargain shop for everything we need. I wouldn’t change it for the world. With that said, I am not as independent as I once was. My interest and goals are always put to the side in favor what my kids and husband need. Sometimes that’s the most annoying and frustrating thing there is about being a stay at home mom. My friend she works full time, but her husband helps with the daily things that must get done. In my view she has her independence and help at home. I sometimes envy that. I don’t think there should be a comparison. You must do what you must do. Thanks for listening.

- SuperAuntmimi

Posted 07/02/08 09:50 AM

 

 

I have a full time career and a family. There is almost no time in my day carved out as me-time. After working my 8 hour day (which really is a 9 or 10 hour day after commute time) I get home to my 13 month old daughter. She craves my attention and I give her all that I have for the next 2 hours before it is her bed time. It breaks my heart each day to leave my daughter so that I can go to work. I would love to be a SAHM until she is school age but that option does not exist for us as our family need to have dual incomes. The evenings, after DD is sleeping, consist of cleaning up from dinner, laundry, household chores, home finances, and getting ready for the next day. SAHM, even though they are working hard, should really be grateful for the opportunity to have such an impact on their children’s lives. They are working very hard but they have the pleasure of enjoying more time with their children. Many of the SAHM I have met, when I do take a day off to go to events with DD, don’t even want to talk with me once they know I work. It seems like a very clichish high school type world. I am sure not all areas of the county are like this. Either way, Mom’s have a hard lot in life, it is a thankless job but one that must be fulfilled with love, kindness and appreciation for each other.

- Jessica

Posted 07/02/08 09:52 AM

 

 

Being able to stay at home with your children is a blessing. Not something you should complain about. This working mom should be applauded for remaining cordial and not telling these whiners to shut up and get a paying job if staying at home with your kids is so hard and stressful. I work full time now and have been a SAHM. Staying at home with your kids is absolutely easier, period! It never will be as hard as being a good mom and working full time. Shame on whiners! When you work you are doing double or triple the work, because you are still mom! I put in 40+ hours every week at work and have never missed a field trip, school program or party for my kids! And I also give them the money to fund these activities. Depending on how old your children are, hey guess what, they are at school for a large chunk of the day! Giving mom lots of free time for herself or for errand running. I’m not really seeing what is so hard about that. It boils down to time management.

- Sherita Williams

Posted 07/02/08 12:23 PM

 

 

Wow…I never new motherhood was supposed to be a competition. Mothers who try to compete for being “the best mommy” are usually the losers who are trying to fill a void in their empty lives, STAM’s or working moms.

- Megan

Posted 07/02/08 02:29 PM

 

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