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Top Five F**ked Up Nursery Rhymes

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The biggest threat to family values may be Mother Goose.

Momlogic's Momstrosity: Nursery rhymes, we've heard them our whole lives -- and we pass down from generation to generation just like hair color and alcoholism. Since almost all families are a little nuts, it's time to put the blame somewhere. Like most of society, we blame mom -- in this case we mean Mother Goose. Why? Because if you listen carefully to the words of the most popular nursery rhymes, you find some really screwed up family dynamics.

1) Jack Sprat

The story: Jack Sprat can't eat fat and his wife can't eat anything else. When they're done eating "They lick their platter clean."

What it teaches our kids:
One word: Enabling. Obviously, this couple has some serious food issues, and they're NOT helping each other deal. Not to mention, they don't seem to be big sticklers for hygiene since they use their tongues to wash dishes. (Hey Sprats, ever heard of a dishwasher?) We can guess there's no 3-second rule at the Sprat house.


2) Rub-a-Dub-Dub Three Men in a Tub

The story: Three guys hang out in a bathhouse.

What this teaches our kids:
Anytime you've got three adult men taking a bath together, you got trouble. No, we're not homophobic at momlogic -- we're just curious why the butcher, baker and candlestick maker are all hanging out in a Jacuzzi talking shop. These three dudes aren't exactly role models, unless we're teaching our kids if they want to be a success they've got to be willing to get into bed -- or rather the bath with the local businessmen. Just like daddy.


3) Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater

The story: A guy can't take care of his own wife, so he imprisons her in a pumpkin shell.

What it teaches our kids:
Women need to be taken care of by men, and we're in a recession. Peter is obviously having a bad year as a professional 'Pumpkin Eater' and might have got himself into a bad mortgage. Now he has no place to "keep" his wife -- probably because she wants to leave him for a guy with a better job, like let's say, a 'Pumpkin Seller.'

4) Georgie Porgie

The Story: A kid named Georgie runs around freaking out girls by trying to kiss them.

What it teaches our kids:
Nothing good. Although Georgie Porgie does show some remorse because, "When the boys came out to play" he high-tails it out of there. But it doesn't erase his aggressive, anti-social behavioral problems. It seems to us the Porgie family ought to seriously consider some sort of therapy, or later in life, Georgie might end up on To Catch a Predator. Just sayin'.

5) Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe

The story: Woman lives in a giant shoe, so overwhelmed by the amount of kids she popped out that she can't feed them and "then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed."

What it teaches our kids:
Here's what it doesn't teach them: Family planning. Plus, how it's OK for this woman to starve and beat her kids without being hauled away by Child Services? This one might be the saddest most disturbing nursery rhyme of all time. Oh, and here's yet another negative: if your little girl is into "The Old Woman in The Shoe" for the footwear, she might end up as a lonely shoe-obsessed woman just like Carrie Bradshaw.





next: Birth Certificates for Stillborns?
23 comments so far | Post a comment now
Pharmc152 April 6, 2011, 11:21 AM

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Anonymous April 29, 2011, 7:51 PM

YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING. THESE ARE CLASSIC STORIES, IF YOU POST THEM, POST THE WHOLE NOT SUMMARIZE THEN COMPLAINE FOR THE BENEFIT OF STUPID. LET PEOPLE DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES. SIGN UP HERE TO HELP STOP WOMEN SUFFERAGE!

PINGAS May 22, 2011, 3:12 PM

You think THESE are effed up?

Your kids won’t even put that much thought into them anyway. Rock-a-bye baby is scarier anyway.


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