10 Reasons I Hate My Kids

10 Reasons I Hate My Kids

Thursday, June 5, 2008

filed under: kid logic

A mother of two kids under 5, on why she thinks anyone who says they love their kids 24/7 is full of it.

OK, before you freak out over the headline: "How can you say you hate your kids?? I just LOVE being a mommy!!" Sorry, but you're probably the same woman who said it was "love at first sight" when you laid eyes on your newborn in the delivery room. Come on. How can you fall in love with a shriveled, crying, poop machine?

If you want to delude yourself, that's fine--maybe you've seen one too many Johnson & Johnson baby lotion commercials. The truth is, having kids is a huge pain in the ass, but most moms are too brainwashed to admit it.

Anyway, that said, here are 10 reasons why I hate my kids:

1. My car consistently reeks of rancid milk. So much for that new car smell.

2. Because of them, I'll never, ever, ever, get my flat stomach back. I know they're to blame 'cause they were the last ones in there.

3. In order to strap my toddler into his car seat, I have to use every ounce of my physical strength as if I'm subduing a psychotic mental patient. And I have the bites and scratches to prove it.

4. Because changing urine-soaked sheets and comforters when they've wet the bed isn't my idea of a good time. Just once I'd like to hear the sound of my washing machine NOT running.

5. When they spit rejected semi-masticated food into my hands.

6. When my toddler, mid-tantrum, drops to the sidewalk like dead-weight when I'm in a hurry. A walk generally turns into a drag.

7. Trying to pretend I give a sh*t about Pokémon.

8. If it weren't for them, I would never have to set foot in that demonic mouse palace known as Chuck E. Cheese.

9. My once beautiful couch, walls, and drapes are covered in peanut butter and fluorescent Play-Doh.

10. I used to really like to have sex--that's how I managed to pop out two kids in the first place. Now I'm so tired, I'd rather stick a fork in my eye.


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191 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

how DARE you say I didn’t experience love at first sight at the hospital. Love at first sight is real!!

- Tonyamama

Posted 06/05/08 04:45 PM

i know the feeling gurl..

- VIVIANE RAMOS

Posted 06/05/08 04:49 PM

I agree with number 4.

- lyenttestroller

Posted 06/05/08 05:03 PM

While there is nothing wrong with pointing out the less than warm and fuzzy side of motherhood, I think this whole article is more than a little disturbing. I can only imagine the writer meant to be purposely controversial, and this is some edgy attempt to be cooler-than-the-soccer-moms, BUT… I feel sorry for the children of any mother who would ever claim to hate them. No, motherhood isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. It’s hard work, sacrifices, and being puked on. So what? You don’t have to like every moment of every day with your children. We’re all grown ups here and we kinda know what being a mom is going to entail before we choose to become one. Your kids are being kids. That’s what they’re supposed to do. Maybe mom should be the one to put on her big girl panties and get over it.

- Get Over Yourself

Posted 06/05/08 05:09 PM

Who said becoming a mother was going to be this wonderful life with perfect children? It takes hard work to raise good kids and by the looks of it your not doing a good job if you complain about little things that shouldn’t matter. So what if your child has a problem wetting the bed. that is no reason to hate it. Stop giving them liquids before bed. And for not having a flat belly well thats just your fault for sitting on your behind and not doing anything about it. Moms like this should not bother having kids if they make a top 10 list of what they hate about their kids. Now if they were teens or grown adults doing this then thats an issue but not kids under 5. That is expected of them. I love my daughter to death and I would never in my life say any of this because it is a mom’s responsibility to take care of the child and love them unconditionally, not bitch about it.

- momwholovesherchild

Posted 06/05/08 05:25 PM

HAHAHA - I think it’s funny. Maybe because she’s totally exaggerating and maybe because some of it is true.

- Anonymous

Posted 06/05/08 05:32 PM

I have felt these feelings… but after serious reflection, the reality is, I hated the person I became when ALL of these things happened to me. With that said, I can top all 10… When my two year old has repeatedly taken off her diaper and rubbed crap all over herself, bed, and walls!!!

- Rocky Turner

Posted 06/05/08 06:24 PM

This is a ridiculous, sensationalist piece. The woman who “used to really like to have sex—that’s how I managed to pop out two kids in the first place” should have considered babysitting and birth control first before consenting to raise and grow her own children. I almost didn’t respond to this garbage b/c I felt it was a publicity stunt, but I genuinely feel sorry for this woman if it is real, because she lacks perspective and needs therapy to deal with some destructive attitudes around her own children. She’s obviously not even happy with her self. Sad.

- ridiculoussentiments

Posted 06/05/08 06:31 PM

Oh come on everyone! Lighten up! This post is hilarious! I may not agree with every point, but I can definitely empathize. I am one of those moms that LOVE being a mother and yes, I have been in love with my little boy since day one. But there are days when I am not totally fond of motherhood. That doesn’t make me or the author bad (or disturbing mothers). It makes us human. And you all know, that she doesn’t hate her kids. That title did exactly what is was supposed to do — Get You to Read the Blog Post.

- Kay

Posted 06/05/08 06:58 PM

LOL I thought this was a bit funny too. I mean who hasn’t EVER thought something remotely similar? Come on ladies. We really do love our children, that is why we are moms and didn’t walk off back into single-hood. But as much as we love them, the truth and/or exaggerations of the above piece really do happen from time to time. And to say you have never been that frustrated is what I think is dishonest. I have 4 kids all by c-section, never gonna have a flat tummy myself - and I don’t sit around on my butt. Do I care? Not really. But yeah, sometimes I would rather stick a fork in my eye than have sex too. Seriously ladies, lighten up. Love em we do, piss us off THEY REALLY DO. Have a laugh and know that they will too grow up and have kids and one day they will be right where we are. Poochy tummy, tired, sexless, vomit stained pj wearing, frustrated mommies at times. And if you aren’t any of the above, well then you must can afford a full time nanny to raise your kids. And then you have bigger problems than the gal who wrote the above article. Lighten up.

- Another Mom Who Sometimes Feels The Same Way

Posted 06/05/08 07:03 PM

AMEN!!!! Especially the part about those who had love at first site. I have one question? Who are these woman who love being pregnant? It’s sick I tell you. Thanks for saying what I need to hear: I’m not alone.

- CandiceBK

Posted 06/05/08 07:03 PM

Are you kidding me? You HATE your children? How is that even possible?? I have loved my son from the very moment I found out I was pregnant. So much in fact that I have gone from wanting just one child to wanting a huge family! The things you have mentioned are ridiculous reasons to hate anyone! You hate your children because your car smells? Um…clean it up! If your kids are hiding their messes in your car it is probably because they are too scared of you to tell you they had a boo boo! You hate your children because you will never have a flat stomach again?!?! I have been immesenly ill since I gave birth to my son. The health issues I have are from giving birth to him. Yet, I would do it again in a heartbeat! Talk about being superficial. You hate your child because they wet the bed? Do you even care that your child is probably more upset than you are about sleeping in their own urine? How about instead of bitching about it, you just take care of the mess and calm down your child? Don’t make them feel guilty about it. IT IS NOT A BIG DEAL! And you not wanting to have sex anymore is NOT your child’s problem. That is a problem with you and your marriage. I can’t even believe you would hold your child responsible for your issues. Maybe you need to rethink your life a bit and decide what is really important to you.

- Missy

Posted 06/05/08 07:06 PM

I’m kind of surprised by the negative backlash against this post. Granted, “hate” is a strong word, and maybe people would be less upset if it was titled “ten things I can’t stand about parenthood”. Also, I actually am one of those people who was head over heels in love the second each of my kids popped out. However, I thought it was fairly obvious that it’s meant as a humorous piece. I’m sure she doesn’t actually HATE her kids. When I read this I took it as a mother listing ten less than wonderful things about parenting and exaggerating them for hyperbolic humor. Does anyone here ever read Dooce? She’s the epitome of exaggerating parenting topics for humor’s sake. This list is probably something she’d love.

- sherry

Posted 06/05/08 07:19 PM

OMG people have no sense of humor anymore. I thought this a funny piece that talked about things moms can relate to but apparantly it’s a “disturbing” piece that calls for the author to have her head served up on a silver platter. Good grief.

- birdsfly

Posted 06/05/08 07:55 PM

I love my kids (3.5yrs. and 14mo.), but I TOTALLY cracked up at this, and I can relate to so many of the items on her list. Maybe it has to do with the ages/stages your kids are at. But even if my kids were older and I had read this, I’d still remember the days when I had felt the same exact way. I agree with ‘Another Mom Who Sometimes Feels The Same Way’: Those who say they’ve never felt these things aren’t being totally honest. Or, maybe they have someone else who is taking care of the ‘dirty work.’ It is completely possible to love your kids, to be willing to do ANYTHING for them and for their well-being, AND to admit sometimes feeling frustated and even annoyed by them. Especially when they whine (which is just unacceptable, at ANY age.) :)

- mama_chita

Posted 06/05/08 08:45 PM

i thought it was hilarious and so true. i have a 4yr.old and although i love her all of the time i don’t always like some of the stunts she pulls. but it’s my job to train her, love her, pick up after her- all the things a mom is supposed to do -god bless us.

- stinkybrat41

Posted 06/05/08 11:10 PM

These kids are under 5. They are not supposed to be the perfect angels and saints and are always clean and well behaved. Sorry to say it but the ones who actually agree with this piece are the ones who probably have spoiled kids. Kids who get their own way. Kids that are the boss of their parents. Kids that scream and yell anywhere they go. I have a daughter who is 4 and yes she has drove me crazy at times but I would always calm her down and she would stop. Its all about putting your foot down and letting your kids know that YOU are the boss. not the other way around. Kids are not stupid they know once they get things their way they are going to continue to do it if you keep giving in. And i am pretty sure alot of the moms who do not agree with this article are moms who do not have nannies and are not rich.If you have alot of money there are more chances your kids are going to be spoiled because they have the option of getting whatever they want whenever they want. What she should have put was what she also buys her kids and how she raises them and if she even takes the time to actually listen to her kids and spend valuable time with them. Not all moms experience this maybe because they raise their kids not to act or be like that because they take the time to spend every chance they have with them. Maybe you should have learned from the first experience and not had another.

- smile, cheese!!!!!!!

Posted 06/05/08 11:16 PM

Interesting. We don’t stop being human when we become parents. I’d argue we become even more human. And so of course, all of us (admit it) have those moment of frustration. I was a little put off by the word, “hate” but I can take a little eggageration for the sake of making what the author thought was a humerous point. And all the things she listed - hey, been there. Where she lost me was the statement about not being in love at first sight. That served no purpose, unless she really planned to say she is a completely negative person. I was in love long before that and I am not delusional. I cannot connect with someone who’s first thoughts about her child were all negative, and then that they remained so. As she ridules the Mighty Moms who claim it’s all great all the time, Erin made a terrible mistake and went the other direction - a scary, sad direction. And my guess is that it’s just a poorly written, trite essay which could have been changed by a few sentances. What would have made this article something relavent would have been to not attack the beauty and the positive as impossible, but to acknowledge that even with that profound love and beauty - there just are THOSE moments, and if we can, we do need to laugh at those moments and not let them fester. Sadly, if someone really feels what she expresses in here, without relief, I’d be worried about her mental health and frankly, her kids. I doubt that’s the case…My guess - she needs a decent editor.

- Mariel

Posted 06/06/08 07:57 AM

Ok some of you guys are WAY too uptight. This was meant to be a little something to make REAL moms smile and know that there are mothers out there that share the same frustration, or are you saying that your child never throws a tantrum and when he os she does do you just LOVE IT!!!? I DON’T THINK SO. Lets be real ladies!!!! If we were bad moms for thinking an feeling frustrated once in a while than none of us should’ve had kids. But that’s not the case we are human, ALL OF US. Stop pretending. This piece was great, funny and REAL!!!! I loved it!!!! Thanks.

- forgivin

Posted 06/06/08 08:43 AM

I appreciate the humorous point being made, but I would never say I hate my kids. I may hate their actions, but not them. I often feel like shaking them till their heads fall off, but the fact that I DON’T hate them is what keeps me from doing it. And I did love my child, not from the moment I laid eyes on her but from the moment I learned she exsisted. Part of being a mom is being able to love someone that doesn’t appreciate anything you do. That won’t appreciate most of it, ever. Yes I remember the days when I didn’t have to wipe off a chair before I sat down, or didn’t have to dodge wooden blocks on the way to the bathroom, or I could walk out of a room without someone screaming like they are going to die…but none of my drinking buddies ever sat on my lap and said “look I drew this just for you!” or “wow, this is the best peanut butter sandwich EVER!” And I kinda like poke mon,so there!

- Libby

Posted 06/06/08 09:19 AM