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10 Reasons I Hate My Kid

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On mom on why she thinks anyone who says they love their kids 24/7 is full of it.


Momlogic's Momstrosity: OK, before you freak out over the headline: "How can you say you hate your kids?? I just LOVE being a mommy!!" Sorry, but you're probably the same woman who said it was "love at first sight" when you laid eyes on your newborn in the delivery room. Come on. How can you fall in love with a shriveled, crying, poop machine? 

If you want to delude yourself, that's fine--maybe you've seen one too many Johnson & Johnson baby lotion commercials. The truth is, having kids is a huge pain in the ass, but most moms are too brainwashed to admit it.

Anyway, that said, here are 10 reasons why I hate my kid:

1. My car consistently reeks of rancid milk. So much for that new car smell.

2. Because of my kid, I'll never, ever, ever, get my flat stomach back. I know my kid's to blame 'cause she was the last one in there.  

3. In order to strap my toddler into his car seat, I have to use every ounce of my physical strength as if I'm subduing a psychotic mental patient. And I have the bites and scratches to prove it.

4. Because changing urine-soaked sheets and comforters when they've wet the bed isn't my idea of a good time. Just once I'd like to hear the sound of my washing machine NOT running.

5. When she spit rejected semi-masticated food into my hands.

6. When my toddler, mid-tantrum, drops to the sidewalk like dead-weight when I'm in a hurry. A walk generally turns into a drag.

7. Trying to pretend I give a sh*t about Dora the Explorer.

8. If it weren't for my kid, I would never have to set foot in that demonic mouse palace known as Chuck E. Cheese.

9. My once beautiful couch, walls, and drapes are covered in peanut butter and fluorescent Play-Doh.

10. I used to really like to have sex--that's how I managed to pop out a kid in the first place. Now I'm so tired, I'd rather stick a fork in my eye.

Bluebell Madonna and mom, Spice Girl Geri Halliwell Gwyneth Paltrow and Apple Brad Pitt and Maddox Jolie-Pitt
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295 comments so far | Post a comment now
PJ June 25, 2008, 8:23 AM

Many of these Moms need a sense of humor. Maybe some cannot relate, because their children do not behave in ways that would make anyone a little crazy. I have three children and it wasn’t until my last child that I can understand this. Don’t be so critical and judge a Mom for putting a sense of humor into her daily toddler life. I laughed so hard that I cried and there is nothing wrong with that.

Tabbz June 25, 2008, 3:10 PM

Wow.. Everyone is flipping out for no reason.. This is hysterical.. Love this!

this is messed up June 26, 2008, 1:11 PM

instead of HATING ur childrend why cant yo ujust dislike some of the4 things that happens?

my son does alot of things i wish he didnt do but i dont hate him i love him soooo much hes my pride and joy…i dont and i never will hate him …i do dislike some of the things that may go on and im the only one who can fix them like taking the crayola off the wall or so and so

corina June 26, 2008, 9:45 PM

I think though those things must be frusturating, you cant forget all the good parts
your children will grow out of pokemon and bed wetting, but they still love you and need you as their mother to love them unconditionally and take care of them through all stages in their life

The Glamorous WAHM June 27, 2008, 3:25 PM

While I may not fully agree with this post, girl I have the answer for you. Prozac, 20MG a day! I love it! It has changed my world, otherwise I would be a raving lunatic. My children are 13, 10, 3, and 20 months. Yes, Prozac.

Brandi June 28, 2008, 12:48 AM

I can relate to it all. Although I feel more like I hate being a MOM than hating my kids. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way. But when I read things like this, I feel better because I know that other moms have these feelings too, and it’s OK! It doesn’t make us bad moms! Shame on you judgemental people who criticize the author for printing what so many of us moms feel at times.

C Dub June 28, 2008, 3:17 AM

Gosh…it was a joke! Maybe she should have said “I can’t stand my kids!” Would that have been better? Good grief, people here are really uptight/judgmental/critical and just plain ole angry..damn!

Pat June 28, 2008, 3:49 PM

Oh My God,

I thought this piece was totally funny. I can relate to a lot of it. (maybe more now than ever because they are now 18 and 20) I love and hate equally. Didn’t anyone ever hear that term? For me it was love at first sight because I adopted mine, they were born below my heart but within my heart. I have put up with many years of bickering and I will put up with it for many more. I remember all the puke and the spitting of yucky peas when feeding them. That were the commercial for woman came about Calgon Take Me Away. You decide to become parents and some of us make the concious decision to and some not, but we love our kids. I think the is the funniest thing I read so far. When i first starting reading it, it reminded me of the George Carlon 10 words you can’t say on tv.
Thanks to the writer for putting humor into parenting.

robbie June 29, 2008, 4:35 AM

HI im a man looking after 3 kids under 5 and i agree with wot this lady is saying how nice to be perfect like these other mums they lie im sure
i reely like sex and the kids have stopped that for me cheers no time of work cleaning althe time car always a mes screaming crying no space cant enjoy life cant have wahs in peace or toilet i can keep going my partner dose sod all with them always at wits end at mo cant wait to die sorry my have a rest then.

Marna June 29, 2008, 8:28 AM

I loved it :) But then again I did not have little Wal Mart monsters like I saw many an idiot mom dealing with !

mamarama June 30, 2008, 12:27 PM

It’s funny because it’s true.

Jake Halsted June 30, 2008, 2:35 PM

I don’t blame anyone for hating the little bastards. It makes me cringe thinking that I used to be one! OMG the AGONY parents must go through, for the simple mistake of one two many bud lights that night…

McCain for President!

Elaine June 30, 2008, 2:43 PM

I agree with every single one of those 10 and could add 10 more of my own ~ none of which means I do not love my children nor that I didn’t experience love at first sight when they were born … which I did to some extent, though the first one was covered in gooey green meconium when born and the second was 2/3 the size of her elder sibling and didn’t look “done” yet …
Be serious, people … motherhood is not all wine and roses and good times and maybe if people were a little more honest about it, those for whom it’s not love at first sight might not feel such pressure and end up drowning their kids in the bathtub …

Anonymous July 1, 2008, 2:37 PM

LOL Hilarious!

I hate my kids.. I love my kids! They drive me insane! I hate it when they hit each other, then they hug. I hate it when they say I am “the evil-est mom in the world” - because I have to work and they can’t go to a pool party. I hate that I can’t be here, but if I don’t work, we won’t have anything. They hate me when we’re broke, they love me on payday.

I miss them when they’re gone, I hate being home and dealing with the constant demands…

BUT kids are kids, and we do decide to have them.. so you just have to deal with it, ladies.

Bed-wetting= too much liquid— they make pull-ups, you know.

Rancid milk smell = clean the damn car.

Puke -they don’t like the food or they have a stomach bug.

There is a reason for everything kids do — just have to figure them out.

and too tired for sex? NEVER! lol .. Get your thyroid checked — a lot of women have this problem after childbirth.

my kids are 10, 6 and 21.. (and he’s asleep on the sofa right now!) But thats another rant…

Linda July 2, 2008, 12:38 PM

Please for the love of God dont have a third! Was your first child perfect enough to have the second? Because if it was you were tricked if not you knew what you were doing…dont do it again!

ps. Sex gets sooo much better when they get older.

Anonymous July 2, 2008, 2:31 PM

You guys need to calm down. The title was obviously used to create attention, and have ya read it. No mother, no anyone for that matter, LOVES to change diapers, pissed stained sheets, or gives a shit about Pokemon.

Kennyta July 2, 2008, 3:25 PM

god girl u took the words right out of my mouth! I h8 having kids sometimes too. Just once i want me time. No kids, no yelling, and no F#$% Dora!

aaron & eli's mom July 2, 2008, 5:37 PM

I have a couple more 1) having my 3 year old put coins in slot of my $400.00 car cd player 2) constantly cleaning up pee from around the front of the toilet (I’ve tried explaining that those with smaller fishing poles should stand closer to the pond, to no avail) and 3) being tired enough to go to bed at 6:00 pm

Ashley July 2, 2008, 7:48 PM

This article just confirms my belief that I would make a horrible parent. I wish people would stop making women feel like their only purpose in this world is being a mother. What about those of us who just don’t WANT to be mothers? Just because I don’t want kids doesn’t mean I dislike them either. Children are wonderful, but so is giving them back to their parents at the end of the day. I have no desire to deal with most of the things children bring and I have no desire to lose my time and my identy as an individual.

jennifer July 2, 2008, 7:49 PM

maybe b4 she had the second one she should have tested the waters nd saw if she wanted another one..instead of just popping out another one

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