10 Reasons I Hate My Kids

10 Reasons I Hate My Kids

Thursday, June 5, 2008

filed under: kid logic

A mother of two kids under 5, on why she thinks anyone who says they love their kids 24/7 is full of it.

OK, before you freak out over the headline: "How can you say you hate your kids?? I just LOVE being a mommy!!" Sorry, but you're probably the same woman who said it was "love at first sight" when you laid eyes on your newborn in the delivery room. Come on. How can you fall in love with a shriveled, crying, poop machine?

If you want to delude yourself, that's fine--maybe you've seen one too many Johnson & Johnson baby lotion commercials. The truth is, having kids is a huge pain in the ass, but most moms are too brainwashed to admit it.

Anyway, that said, here are 10 reasons why I hate my kids:

1. My car consistently reeks of rancid milk. So much for that new car smell.

2. Because of them, I'll never, ever, ever, get my flat stomach back. I know they're to blame 'cause they were the last ones in there.

3. In order to strap my toddler into his car seat, I have to use every ounce of my physical strength as if I'm subduing a psychotic mental patient. And I have the bites and scratches to prove it.

4. Because changing urine-soaked sheets and comforters when they've wet the bed isn't my idea of a good time. Just once I'd like to hear the sound of my washing machine NOT running.

5. When they spit rejected semi-masticated food into my hands.

6. When my toddler, mid-tantrum, drops to the sidewalk like dead-weight when I'm in a hurry. A walk generally turns into a drag.

7. Trying to pretend I give a sh*t about Pokémon.

8. If it weren't for them, I would never have to set foot in that demonic mouse palace known as Chuck E. Cheese.

9. My once beautiful couch, walls, and drapes are covered in peanut butter and fluorescent Play-Doh.

10. I used to really like to have sex--that's how I managed to pop out two kids in the first place. Now I'm so tired, I'd rather stick a fork in my eye.


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195 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

You’re a pathetic excuse for a mother. I pity your children, the views you have are them are disgusting and once more pathetic. You should have popped a pill, used a condom and kept your legs closed. I hope your children don’t learn your unlove, I’ll gladly take your children I have PLENTY of love to give!

- aREALmother

Posted 09/22/08 03:52 PM

I thought it was cute, good and bad comes with everything in life. You have to laugh at all the not so great things to help you move on to the really great things.

- Anonymous

Posted 09/23/08 02:22 AM

This is the reason i killed my kids

- bobsmith

Posted 10/02/08 04:45 PM

Wow. Many of the mom-commenters on here are grouchy. Kids are a huge pain in the ass (like all things that are worthwhile) but imagine not having kids but all of your friends having them? I don’t get any of the good stuff; just the crying and the poop.

- J. Beaman

Posted 10/02/08 05:22 PM

Whoever this Erin woman is, PLEASE tell me she has a blog??? I love her like I love Skittles and Cherry Pepsi.

- Suburban Oblivion

Posted 10/02/08 06:20 PM

This is not funny. If you are having such problems being flexible for your children and life as their mother, get some help. Could you sound more selfish? Your kids didn’t ask to be here. You had sex and had the kids. Idiot!

- Seriously McMillan

Posted 10/02/08 07:41 PM

Using the word hate is okay, sometime i hate my husband lol, but if i really know inside that i truly love my kids spirit (not actions) im pretty happy with it. But my kid throws the most dramatic tantrums, and everyone who is disgusted or mad about this post, you must be crazy. I hate my kids too, but inside way way wayy deep inside i love them.

- Kindaknow?

Posted 10/02/08 11:56 PM

It’s as-if my wife wrote this article herself! She’s gonna love it. (I’m not saying *I* agree with any of this sentiment .. no no … but my wife - she’s gonna LOVE IT!) Harris

- Harris Fellman

Posted 10/03/08 03:02 AM

wow! so many people are being “holier-than-thou.” ready to point finger at anybody. so sad. on the contrary, this is one hilarious post!

- hmmm...

Posted 10/03/08 09:18 AM

Well geez, Erin, I hate your kids too. Why are you raising such brats?

- nicole

Posted 10/03/08 10:08 AM

You people should get a grip. Besides, ANYTHING with “mom” or “mommy” in the title or URL is gonna be lame, stupid, retarded, or otherwise a lot of rubbish, so get over yourselves and wipe your precious little darling’s bum.

- Ignatz Horowitz

Posted 10/03/08 11:16 AM

Stop breeding. There are 5 billion people on this planet. Children are losing bet in a cost vs. reward scenario. Enjoy life, don’t have children.

- David

Posted 10/03/08 12:51 PM

You know… nobody MAKES you take your kids to Chuck E. Cheese. Plenty of parents who don’t hate their kids have never been in that godforsaken hellhole. Just saying.

- sandy

Posted 10/03/08 01:05 PM

the first 2 not 2 bad but my 3rd one is nuts 4 take care of am his mother no help me very much with him, i get three an no want any more

- mike yk paahana

Posted 10/05/08 06:16 PM

There should be a list “10 things I hate about Mommy Blogger Commentators”, including lack of perspective, lack of empathy, smugness, entitlement, anonymity. We’ve fought for generations for equality for women, and yet we’re still putting that fight on the back foot with smug Stepford Wives telling everyone else how it should be done and hate for the alternative perspective. My Happily Childless state started out with the sublimation of self argument - now it’s increasingly not wanting to deal with the masochistic mothers our perfectionist, blame, PC society is fousting on women.

- Happily Childless

Posted 10/05/08 10:05 PM

I thought this piece was hilarious. It’s important to let off steam at times, and I can agree some of it is a real drag and not what you imagine when you become pregnant…you don’t tend to imagine the negative things, only how beautiful and serene my child was going to be when she was born. 6 years and 3 children later I can agree its got its down side. As I am mum 24/7 there’s parts of the job I hate…like toilet training! eugh! It’s healthy to have a laugh about it sometimes. And it all gets forgotten about soon enough, especially when you get an i love you and a hug.

- madkat

Posted 10/06/08 05:42 PM

Chuck-E-Cheese is the bomb. (Thought I should throw that out on the table here.)

- epicmom

Posted 10/07/08 03:51 AM

Thank you for being honest! I watched my sis and her 3 brats. I’ll take my peaceful bratfree life anyday - it’s HEAVEN! My life = my life! =D!

- Julia

Posted 10/22/08 06:42 AM

That was hilarious. Don’t take yourself so serious people. Of course we love our never quiet, throwing, yelling cuddly little people but motherhood can be a pain in the arse. However, it is what we were put on this earth for and it’s okay to have a laugh about it.

- Helen

Posted 10/22/08 02:02 PM

you girls crack me up with the forget about sex nonsense… your man hasn’t forgotten about sex. Unless its just with you. Dont wanna give up the nookie? Watch your man walk climb into bed with some other woman (with a tighter stomach and less drama) who will give it up. chad p.s. im speaking from experience. my wife got the clue and now were back to having a regular healthy marriage.

- chad

Posted 10/22/08 02:34 PM