There's a kind of cheating that's not between the sheets. Find out what it is -- and protect your marriage.
Have you ever bought a killer pair of heels and hidden the receipt from your guy? Or maybe you've lent cash to a pal and lied about it? Do you have a secret "rainy day" fund? It's common to occasionally fib about where your money goes, but have you ever considered what your indiscretion may be doing to your marriage?
In an effort to find out, USA Today and Gallup teamed up and polled over 1,000 adults -- and the results were shocking. According to married subjects, 62 percent say keeping a bank account secret from their partner is a major violation of trust, and 11 percent believe it's grounds for divorce. Thirteen percent would even draw up divorce papers if they discovered their partner was hiding cash or spending in secret.
"Money is a serious issue because it's a basic means to survive as a couple," says Jonathan Rich, Ph.D., author of The Couple's Guide to Love and Money. "When one spouse plans for their financial goals in secret -- however minor they may be -- it creates suspicion and distrust."
But what about little purchases, like those jeans you saw on sale or your "emergency" credit card? Is that really so bad? Sixty percent think hiding a purchase from a spouse or keeping a private credit card is a huge breach of trust, but not a deal breaker. Only 6 percent consider it a serious offense.
"People hide money for obvious reasons," Rich says. "Lots of times, a couple can't agree on how to spend their money, so in an effort not to create problems in the marriage, they hide their indulgences. But it's not only women who spend in secret. Men are just as guilty -- if not more."
According to Rich, women tend to be more conservative with their finances. Chalk it up to women planning for the future since we know they live longer than men, or maybe it's that women move in and out of the work force more frequently so they try to conserve. Guys, on the other hand, are bigger risk takers. "Men often secretly spend money in the stock market," Rich says. "For women, it's usually material items such as clothing or beauty treatments."
So how can you avoid financial infidelity?
"It's crucial to know your partner's financial values and to plan mutual long-term goals, so there are no surprises," says Rich. And know this: People's spending habits are largely formed from childhood and it's common to adopt your parent's attitudes about money. How you feel about money pre-dates the relationship, so don't think you can suddenly change your partner's priorities. It takes time to learn to work together.
"If you're going to share one main account, it's wise to keep separate -- but not secret -- accounts for each of you to spend on things just for you," Rich says.
Here, confessions from three moms who cheat with their checkbooks:
• "I don't tell my husband how much I spend on gifts. I just buy them in spurts so that he doesn't notice. And sometimes I'll buy holiday presents in the summer and store them for later."
• "When I spend more than I feel I should, and I don't want my husband to know, I pay half in cash and half on credit. That way, there's no way to track how much I really spent."
• "I have a secret account that my husband doesn't know about. I put back $100 a week just in case."
How do you spend in secret?
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previous: Mom Divorce Survey
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