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The Childless Bitch at the Holiday BBQ

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While you're excited to be celebrating independence, guess what? I celebrate mine every day.

It's the big 4th of July weekend and you know what that means...backyard barbecues, food, fun, and the big, banging, booming explosions of...your children. Not at ALL what the founding fathers had in mind. While you're excited to be celebrating independence, guess what? I celebrate mine every day.

Thanks to some cruel twist of fate, you and I somehow ended up at the same cookout. You're excited to finally be surrounded by people your own age, and I'm excited to drink free alcohol. Here's how we can both make the most of our 'holiday':

1. If you brought it, you feed it. Timmy's grubby, booger-caked fingers are sloshing around in the appetizers, and I think he just dropped a Lego in my layer dip. Am I the only responsible adult worried about food contamination? Step away from the table, kid.

2. The backyard is not your child's trash can. In this age of environmental consciousness, your kid is worse than global warming. If he opens one more can, takes one sip, then leaves it for you to fetch, I'm calling the EPA. Is he training for a job as a soda taster?

3. The dog understands not to come in the house when wet. What's wrong with your animal?

4. Despite its patriotic shape, your Jell-O Fruit Salad does not belong at the same table as my Barefoot Contessa Salad. There's a homeless shelter down the street accepting donations. I'm sure the hungry hobos would salute your flag.

5. By the looks of your $5 Old Navy American flag T-shirt, it's obvious you don't care when your kid spills a plate of beans on you. For those of us who still have our looks, please instruct your child on how to properly eat a watermelon, corn-on-the-cob or all things without a straw. My suggestion? A trough.

6. Here's a fun game for all you moms out there! Try holding a grown-up conversation without including the words 'band' and 'camp.' Whoever wins gets the Berry Bloom Citronella candle you won't stop gabbing about.

7. Uh oh. Tubby's got his T-shirt on in the pool. Hey, Mom, if he's not training for competitive eating, time to take away that fourth foot-long.

8. There's only one way to teach kids about fireworks safety -- learn by doing. The Pyro Pulverizer was just named the Phantom Fireworks Teacher of the Year. Kids can still function with eight fingers, and those missing digits are a great reminder of their own stupidity.

9. Your child is not at camp -- so guess what? You're the counselor! Put down that wine cooler, pull the arts and crafts Caboodle out of your Trader Joe's tote, and get to entertaining!

10. Just because your little Yankee Doodle has a life-threatening food allergy doesn't give you right to insult the host and bring your own spread. The invite said one, shareable dish, not the soy-based-sh** you showed up with.

Just remember, Mommy Dearest...these are not the words of a childless bitch, these are the words of a patriot!

To the red, white and blue!

P.S. America, you certainly are the land of the brave. And I am the land of the free. Free of children.

next: Why Cruise with Your Kids?
62 comments so far | Post a comment now
shana July 6, 2008, 11:20 AM

this woman has balls to say the things she says, but I have to admit..she’s right about most of it, and I know families like that. Maybe this will be an eye opener for those out there who give other moms a bad name!

Anon July 6, 2008, 11:55 AM

Funny and so true.

Cloee July 6, 2008, 12:07 PM

Just wait until the author has her own kid.

Stephanie July 6, 2008, 12:40 PM

Thankfully there are mom’s that don’t stress over the things she does. Let’s hope you never have one. Poor kid wouldn’t stand a chance. Let alone a man.

suz July 6, 2008, 6:21 PM

There is no excuse for rude children except rude adults raising them. I have kids, I would horribly embarrassed if mine acted like those described, but because they do have manners they are very welcomed everywhere.

anonymous July 6, 2008, 7:23 PM

The mother’s that she’s describing, sound’s just like my aunt, ( whom I can’t stand ) she has a herd of children, she can’t clean her house for sh**, her house is so bad that it’s infested with roaches and the roaches are so bad that if you open the kitchen cabinet, a roach will hand you a friggin salt shaker, she has a different boyfriend every week, she tans entirely way too much, so much that she looks leathery, she focuses too much on herself that her kids get neglected and they have no discipline whatsoever that they run around like the kids described in the story. They have grubby booger-caked fingers and poopy diapers, matted hair, dirty clothes, and snotty noses. I don’t see how people can let their children look and behave like that. And it’s a shame that it’s not the kid’s fault, it’s the mother’s fault for not being a mother!

Anonymous July 6, 2008, 10:12 PM

Clearly an article meant to get a reaction….nothing more, nothing less. Pretty stupid. Can’t you find anything else to publish on your site? Disappointing.

Don’t get baited into adding a comment to dignify this slop.

Missy July 6, 2008, 10:15 PM

Too bad she is going to grow old and nasty all by herself while we grow old surrounded by our children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren who love us.

LB July 7, 2008, 12:42 AM

I laughed so hard I had tears rolling down my face. This is HILARIOUS!!

Sam July 7, 2008, 10:37 AM

Control freak should not give parties. They are the ones who ruin every ones good time.
Loosen up and try to enjoy life’s foibles you might live longer.

Anonymous July 7, 2008, 10:49 AM

LOL How funny will it be when her heathen children are birthed out of her loins? Oh I wish I were there to see her try to control little johnny and not want to drink a drink at a party while she has to do that everyday of everyweek. Oh wait she’s wants to be in the land of the childfree right? Well then I have the perfect place for her….assisted living

medicine woman July 7, 2008, 11:50 AM

How sad that a frustrated probably sex-less female should take her bitching out on children. Were you the perfect child? probably not.. you WERE young once! take a xanax and try to enjoy life instead of making everyone one else miserable with your whining. If you love being single and barren so much… STAY AT HOME… THEY PROBABLY DON”T LIKE YOU EITHER! SAD … SAD….SAD.

Yvonne July 7, 2008, 3:02 PM

Here is the deal I think. Either you are jealous becasue we have someone to love us and be around us and you can not find anyone willing to make a commitment to you or you really hate children. This is sad since you were a child once yourself. Now unless you grew up in a home where you were beaten for everything you did and critizced for being stupid and just being a kid I can totally see where you are coming from. I know it was hard for me to adjust to. But now I am a mom, whom was terrifed of having kids. I didn’t want people to look at me or my kids the way you look at these incidents here. granted I know that these are pretty bad cases and yes very gross. But you know something don’t blame the child, blame the parentSSS. Yes there ar 2 parents that made these children. Those parents have made the choices that made the kids act the way they do. Maybe there should be less nagging on the moms and maore nagging on the dads sitting in the corner watching a damn sports show drinking beer and chatting with his buddies. Afterall they are his kids too and has just as much his responsiblity as the moms.

NKBurlington July 7, 2008, 3:26 PM

“Cloee on July 6, 2008 12:07 PM wrote:

Just wait until the author has her own kid.”

What makes you think she will?

gb July 7, 2008, 9:41 PM

anonymous july 6th 10:12pm

you were baited into writing a comment to dignify the slop…now who looks stupid? hypocrite…

blessed mother of two 10 and 12 ..found
the article enjoyable and i am not on xanax….

Jane July 7, 2008, 9:47 PM

So the parent of a child with a life-threatening food allergies is not welcome to bring food for their child?

That’s pretty sad.

Bye Mom Logic.

This allergy mom wont be back!

marisu wehrenberg July 8, 2008, 3:23 PM

Thought you could appreciate this - don’t know if all of my friends with children would, but….

Check out the nasty comments from the Mommies!!!

Love, Am

Jessi July 8, 2008, 9:39 PM

I smell a smokescreen for a wanna be wife and mother.

jon July 9, 2008, 9:46 PM

“My suggestion? A trough. “


Kimberly July 10, 2008, 2:11 PM

The best article I’ve read in years - so happy to know I’m not the only one who has these thoughts!

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