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The Childless Bitch at the Holiday BBQ

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While you're excited to be celebrating independence, guess what? I celebrate mine every day.

It's the big 4th of July weekend and you know what that means...backyard barbecues, food, fun, and the big, banging, booming explosions of...your children. Not at ALL what the founding fathers had in mind. While you're excited to be celebrating independence, guess what? I celebrate mine every day.

Thanks to some cruel twist of fate, you and I somehow ended up at the same cookout. You're excited to finally be surrounded by people your own age, and I'm excited to drink free alcohol. Here's how we can both make the most of our 'holiday':

1. If you brought it, you feed it. Timmy's grubby, booger-caked fingers are sloshing around in the appetizers, and I think he just dropped a Lego in my layer dip. Am I the only responsible adult worried about food contamination? Step away from the table, kid.

2. The backyard is not your child's trash can. In this age of environmental consciousness, your kid is worse than global warming. If he opens one more can, takes one sip, then leaves it for you to fetch, I'm calling the EPA. Is he training for a job as a soda taster?

3. The dog understands not to come in the house when wet. What's wrong with your animal?

4. Despite its patriotic shape, your Jell-O Fruit Salad does not belong at the same table as my Barefoot Contessa Salad. There's a homeless shelter down the street accepting donations. I'm sure the hungry hobos would salute your flag.

5. By the looks of your $5 Old Navy American flag T-shirt, it's obvious you don't care when your kid spills a plate of beans on you. For those of us who still have our looks, please instruct your child on how to properly eat a watermelon, corn-on-the-cob or all things without a straw. My suggestion? A trough.

6. Here's a fun game for all you moms out there! Try holding a grown-up conversation without including the words 'band' and 'camp.' Whoever wins gets the Berry Bloom Citronella candle you won't stop gabbing about.

7. Uh oh. Tubby's got his T-shirt on in the pool. Hey, Mom, if he's not training for competitive eating, time to take away that fourth foot-long.

8. There's only one way to teach kids about fireworks safety -- learn by doing. The Pyro Pulverizer was just named the Phantom Fireworks Teacher of the Year. Kids can still function with eight fingers, and those missing digits are a great reminder of their own stupidity.

9. Your child is not at camp -- so guess what? You're the counselor! Put down that wine cooler, pull the arts and crafts Caboodle out of your Trader Joe's tote, and get to entertaining!

10. Just because your little Yankee Doodle has a life-threatening food allergy doesn't give you right to insult the host and bring your own spread. The invite said one, shareable dish, not the soy-based-sh** you showed up with.

Just remember, Mommy Dearest...these are not the words of a childless bitch, these are the words of a patriot!

To the red, white and blue!

P.S. America, you certainly are the land of the brave. And I am the land of the free. Free of children.

next: Why Cruise with Your Kids?
62 comments so far | Post a comment now
HR July 10, 2008, 5:32 PM

You obbviously hate children because of a horrible upbringing or maybe just pure selfishness. I can guarantee you have no spirtual guidance. As for the many points you made, many are true but you have to understand when invited to a family barbeque there will be children. If you only enjoy affairs without children then skip the family gatherings. Obviously you’re the minority. You should think of the parents also maybe they need to relax a bit and this would be the place to do it. Sounds like you need to find some childless friends. I am proud of you for choosing not to have children. It definitely was not your calling and you’ve spared someone from years of counseling.

butcherbaby July 19, 2008, 6:28 PM

amen sister! i’m with you all the way.
i don’t have kids but i helped raise my special needs neice for the first half of her life, and now take care of my handicapped older sister who has the mentality of a small child, i HAVE experienced these things, ladies, and it made me all the more certain it didn’t want the enourmous responsibilty of bringing anopther human being into this world and potentailly screwing it up. these bitter, old before their time, jealous of your freedom nags can just stop with the criticism of the life they WISH they had. or maybe it’s just guilt because some of your comments hit too close to home? July 22, 2008, 12:57 PM

Some of it was LOl funny, some of it was a sad reflection on people that don’t seem to care about what they are doing or where they are doing it. Remember back a couple of years ago, when ex-mayor of New York Guillani wanted to start giving out tickets to a pregnant women sitting on a crate, and people got up in arms over this? I took offense to the women sitting on the crate, as well as people that spit, as well towards lewed or wrongful behavior. I am not speaking about regular people on trains in New York, who dress strange, or even act a little strange, but just don’t act or look provoking. It is ignorance to not want to teach your children that we need a tissue if we have a snotty nose, would we like to see adults with stuff coming out of their noses? What would make it cute on a child? Please the thought is stomach turning, as for parents that just don’t seem to understand, someone will pick up a phone and call you know who, CPS and they will make a visit, assess the situation, if it is not to their liking, those kids will be placed, who knows maybe with someone like yourself, or the author who might score a better chance at being a great foster parent, but just not into the constant responsibility of parenting. A lot of parents need to grow up and fast, before their kids pick up their bad habits.

niki July 22, 2008, 4:45 PM

wow, momlogic…is this what it’s come to?? some lame chick bitchin’ about how much she hates kids? pretty wack. pretty wack, indeed.

WooWoo July 25, 2008, 6:34 PM

Haha. so true

None for me July 28, 2008, 1:32 PM

I just love every article CB has written. YOu know it’s not that I hate kids, and I don’t think CB does either, it’s the parents!!! For those of you that have made your kids brat, do you really not see it? Are you that clueless? I would gladly pay extra for a childless flight or to eat in a childless restaurant. We have a local holiday fair that has a “stroller free” day! Very cool!

xlntmom August 5, 2008, 7:29 AM

I think she’s funny. I sympathize as I’ve been her, and I’ve been the mom of three whose children haven’t always behaved perfectly at every outing. God gave us a sense of humor for a reason. Use it.

mommato2 August 7, 2008, 3:43 PM

CB you rock!! You obviously don’t hate children, but you have a great disdain for lazy parents. Me too! I am a proud mother of 2 girls. I don’t think that you are jealous of any one. Parenting is a desire only for some individuals, not all. Just like some like chocolate and some don’t. Please know that not all moms are lazy, some of us do teach manners, only take children to appropriate parties(i.e. where a host has their own children there), and eat out where only where they have paper napkins ( an indication to start training here to be out in public). However, might I suggest that CB get either only childless friends, or learn a little tolerance. Besides, children can make a boring party much more lively if you look past the dirt and see the beautiful smiles. Besides, you may influence one with your charming personality and teach them about tolerance.

NO KIDS August 25, 2008, 4:42 PM

Why is it that those who disagree with this woman think of her as bitter, unhappy, lonely and selfish?

Many, myself included, choose not to have children. And we are happy, have thrilling, fulfilling, beautiful, rich, happy and prosperous lives. Many of us have many loved ones in our lives, including family, friends and the children of our relatives.

I agree wholeheartedly with CB but I am NOT sexless, loveless, unhappy, bitter, selfish and on. I am extremely happy with NO KIDS.

cj August 29, 2008, 2:26 AM

For those that think she’ll change if she has kids…WRONG!! As a mother of 3 grown boys, my sides are hurting from laughing. I hated that cookie cutter, jello molding crap.
The only thing she left out is someone passing around tupperware/avon catalogs (for some reason they think once you are a mother…you must want these things). Yes, I think children are beautiful (well, mine anyway), so please don’t show me the photos of the one that didn’t come and I won’t bore you with mine. This goes double if you have a daughter that you want to be the model/cheerleader that you never were.

Hey Anonymous at 7:23 pm….
That’s a serious vent! I’ve got these images now of roaches passing things around in the cupboard.I’m laughing even harder. You need your own show…I’d pay to hear.

Jenny September 5, 2008, 3:28 PM

CB what kind of people do you associate with??? Seems to me maybe you have this view of kids and parents because of the company you keep. There are well mannered children AND responsible parents out there, they usually go hand in hand.

Me! September 20, 2008, 2:30 AM

No Jane on July 7th. I think she meant if u bring 1 soy bean dip for everybody just cuz ur kid has allergies. Not if you nring a seperate safe dish for the kid too.

electric_bonzai September 25, 2008, 8:48 PM

*rolls eyes*

Nice to know that disapproving of vulgar, dirty or bad behavior, means that you must *HATE* the person committing it.

electric_bonzai September 25, 2008, 8:49 PM

And a TRUE ‘life-threatening allergy’ trumps all.

Mi$$Kri$$ January 13, 2009, 4:33 PM

i LOVE this chick

Cassandra March 4, 2009, 5:48 PM

All I can say is I hope this woman is not as bitter and hateful as she comes across in these blogs. While I do think that parents should try to remember that childless adults have different interests and views about kids, I think the childless adults should realize the same about parents. Many people without children just don’t understand. I know before I became a mom I would say my child would never do that, or my child would never talk to me that way, and boy have I eaten my words!

Kaitlin May 27, 2009, 5:09 PM

About time someone said it! (I have for years!)
This weekend I was hanging out with some guy friends and one told my friend Cassie to “make sure they don’t get near that demo car” (they being his kids who were meanwhile running around like chickens with their heads cut off)… um, dude? They are YOUR kids…not Cassie’s. ENOUGH ALREADY. Where are all the decent parents?

Anonymous July 1, 2009, 2:17 PM

Funny, people complain about children making noise on planes, eating and making messes at parties and so on, but I have seen many adults behave worst than most children, yelling about their messed up order at Starbucks, yapping non-stop on a flight loud enough that people 10 rows away know about the boil on their sister’s bottom… Maybe this person should pay more attention to their own obnoxious behavior and need for “free alcohol”! I’m sure a few drinks in they are more annoying than any of the kids playing and having fun at the party.

Kim August 29, 2009, 7:24 PM

In response to NO KIDS:

I am in the same boat. Sadly, mommies and child haters are so far on opposing sides, no one wants to acknowledge that there are people in the middle who love kids but would rather have a child-free life. I think that those on the opposite poles are so hungry to defend their side and engage in a seething argument, we often get passed over or lumped in with the child-haters. The way I look at it, my choosing to be child-free offers the privilege of having children to a couple who desires to do so. Given our current environmental crisis, it is becoming less of a right and more of a privilege to procreate. I am happy to help make the next generation a little more green by living a child-free life.


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