"I'd like to start." Pause. Pause. "I love you dearly." Pause. "But I can't do this anymore. I want a separation."
Our therapist just about fell out of his cushy, white leather chair. After all, it was only our fourth couples counseling session with him, and already my husband wanted out.
"How do you feel? He wants a separation. What are you thinking right now?"
"I came here to work on our relationship. I didn't come here to quit. We have an 11-month-old son..."
"I can't do this anymore! We're gonna kill each other!"
"When do you feel things starting going downhill?"
"When we became a couple. We've always had problems making decisions. We don't agree on anything..."
"When you became a couple? How long have you been together?"
"So, you just liked it when you were dating. You'd go out, have fun, then go your separate ways. You liked it when it was just willy-nilly..."
Mr. B actually used the words willy-nilly.
"What do you think about that?"
Pause. Pause. I had nothing to say. It seemed too absurd. HE proposed to ME. I didn't make him. Can a girl even do that? Make a man propose? WE decided to have children. I was happy to have one healthy baby. He was the one who talked about having two kids.
"You must feel overwhelmed."
I started to cry. "I've been trying my best to make things better. I..."
"You blew it! You have issues with anger. You need to get help..."
Mr. B. looked me straight in the eye. "You have to let go."
Suddenly, my heart felt like a 15-pound bowling ball beating in my chest. My ears started ringing, and although I remained somewhat calm on the outside, there was an all-out battle raging within my veins. Every ounce of my being felt defeated.
"What are you afraid of?"
"I always wondered what would be worse, the sound of silence with someone sitting in the room or the sound of silence when I was alone."
Now, I was going to find out.