Mom, What's a Lesbian?
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
With all the rumors swirling around that Lindsay Lohan is gay, we moms thought: how do you define "gay" and "lesbian" for your child?
Gay pop culture icons used to be individuals who weren't on your children's radar--Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell, Elton John and Governor Jim McGreevy. Today, if you go to the grocery store, turn on E! or click on Yahoo, you'll see headlines that read, "Is Lindsay Lohan a Lesbian?" and "Lindsay's Gay!". We asked momlogic contributor and family psychologist, Dr. Pamela Varady for her expert advice on how we can talk to our children about a subject that has become mainstream conversation and fodder for the paps:
If your child asks, "What's a lesbian?" or "What does gay mean?" Dr. Varady says honesty is the way to go. It's important for two reasons:
1. You want your child to be accepting of others and not discriminate.
2. If they are gay or lesbian, you want them to know that you understand what that means and that you can handle it.
Varady gave us the following "how-to" guideline...
- Define it. Say something like, "Some people are heterosexual and some people are homosexual. Heterosexual is like mommy and daddy, when a woman and a man care about each other and are attracted to each other. A homosexual is when people of the same gender--two men or two women--love each other, care about each other and are attracted to each other. When two women love each other and are attracted to each other we call it "lesbian." When two men love each other it's called "gay."
- Normalize it. You have to try to normalize the word, "Sometimes homosexuals like each other and care about each other so much, they like to live together and make a family together, just like mommy and daddy." You should also:
- Look open. Handle it with ease. Look like someone who is open to being asked any question. When children learn about new things there are typically lots of questions. If they keep questions inside, their imaginations can run wild. Or their peers answer their questions and the answers can be inaccurate, and at times, scary. Also make sure to ask, "Is there anything else you want to ask mommy about it?"
- Re-visit the subject: Be willing to re-visit the topic a couple of days later or a week later. You cannot expect it to be resolved after only one conversation. Do not wait for them to bring it up.
- Show them diversity: It's important to introduce your children to all different kinds of people, including homosexuals. If they've never met a lesbian or gay man, introduce them to someone. It will help them to see that they are like everyone else. You should expose your children to homosexuals, not shield them.
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Email13 comments so far | Post a comment now >>
Another option: Not everyone lives by God’s rules. When 2 boys or 2 girls try to love each other the way mommy and daddy do its a sin. And we should pray for them and show them God’s love. It is not ok to call names or be hateful toward any one because they sin because we all sin.
- calimom 3
Calimom, Doesn’t God love all of his children? It’s not a sin to love someone, no matter who that person is. We all have the right to choose how we live our lives and I don’t think that God will turn his back on anyone.
- Anonymous
Imagine if people were saying that interracial couples are sinners? Isn’t it outdated to say gay people are sinners? Move forward people. Time is moving forward and bigotry, thank God will hopefully outdated soon.
- Jennifer
i’ve been told that being gay is one of the worst sins you can commit, and that God would turn his back on you in an instant, and then again i’ve been told that god wouldn’t turn his back on anyone, gay or not. what is true?
- emily
Calimom needs to add to the response to her kids, “Not everyone lives by God’s rules. When 2 boys or 2 girls try to love each other the way mommy and daddy do its a sin. And we should pray for them and show them God’s love. It is not ok to call names or be hateful toward any one because they sin because we all sin.” … “So sweetheart if you find that you are attracted to a person of the same gender, you are a sinner and I will pray that you will change your sexual attraction so that God will not send you to hell as he surely will if you do not change. In fact, if I found out that God thought it was sinful for me to be attracted to men - I would immediately be attracted to women. And, while I know that my response will be a burden for you to carry until the day that you die - to the point that you may decide to speed up the process - God personally told me that Jesus made a big mistake in not addressing this more directly in the Bible. I love you and God says “Hi.”
- Angie
It never fails to amaze me that a religion that is supposedly about loving each other, forgiveness, kindness and being a good person is so very attractive to closed minded, hateful, spiteful, judgemental people. Look, I treat this subject about the same way I treat the race issue and the religion issue. First off, love is love. You can fall in love with anyone, whether they are the same sex as you or not. And there is nothing wrong with fallling in love with someone. As far as my son knows, has ever known, gay and lesbian couple are no different that heterosexual couples. The race issue has been trickier but I have trained him to put down “human” if a form asks for his “race”. Before he went to public school he rarely paid attention to skin color but now, in fourth grade, kids tend to divide into groups by ethnicity. I don’t know how to combat that. And as far as religion goes, I have taught my son to be a good person, to help others when he sees the need and to understand that there is truth, beauty and comfort in all religions - along with the bad stuff. I think we need to provide our kids with a moral compass that revolves around the golden rule (remember that one??) and to keep an open mind and a charitable heart. If we do this there would be a lot less finger pointing and a lot more helping hands.
- Vivi
I’m offended that some equate race with homosexuality. They are not the same, even though it is a convenient and simple argument. Having an open mind, and most definitely multi-theism are NOT Biblical and therefore are not what governs how I raise my children. Angie-if one of my children chose to live a life of sin, I would not support them. I would pray for them and love them because that is what Christ calls me to do.
- calimom 3
If only this article were around when I was a kid. My mom said that she wished she had known I’d turn out gay, so she wouldn’t have wasted all that time giving me “the talk.” :)
- Jennifer
Calmom you are commiting a sin by not supporting & turning your back on your child. Having a open heart is Biblical. The religous zealots are some of the most evil hateful people around. VIVI- That is exactly why so many have turned away from religion. I feel very sorry for your kids & hope they all are gay.
- Anonymous
Anonymous, you said that having an open heart is Biblical. You show me where it says that in the Bible. No where! An open heart is Biblical? Give me a break! Just because someone is a Christian does not mean they are zealots and are certainly not evil. Evil is of Satan, not God. (And that IS in the Bible.) I completely agree with Calimom. As Christians, we are called to love the sinner (which includes the entire world. Christians are sinners, too) but hate the sin. Period.
- Mom
WHy is it that whenever the word gay is mentioned people automatically turn it around and make it a huge religious deal?! This article never once mentions religion! It is simply a way for parents to explain homosexuality to children. Don’t turn it into something it isn’t. If you don’t agree with the article or the subject, read the article and comment on its content.
- anonymous
Yes execellent way to discuss the subject. My 17 yr. old son during middle school was teased and called GAY all the time and he is not gay just very shy. Children need to know they are being racial when the make remarks to someone wheather they are or are not gay and be pushined in school and by society for doing so. Parents need to teach God loves all his children. I am catholic and do not believe in same sex relationships but, it is not for me to judge only God. Children need love and support what ever their choice is. But like man and women relationships keep personal affections behind the doors. Love Everyone and you will be a happy person. Treat everyone like you want to be treated. (EVERYONE)
- Carol
Wow! So many hateful comments. Did you know in the bible, it says a woman should be stoned to death for cutting their hair? Think of that the next time you take your poor, brainwashed child to the barber shop, Calimom.
- Anonymous
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