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Mom Competes with Own Daughter

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Why would a mother sleep with her daughter's boyfriend?


Of "moms behaving badly," Beth Modica just might take the cake. The 44-year-old former PTA president and mother of four was a model citizen. She was a former assistant district attorney for Rockland County and Queens, New York. She's married to the Spring Valley chief of police. But she also slept with two teenage boys--one of whom was her own daughter's boyfriend.

Modica was indicted today on charges of third-degree rape and four counts of third-degree criminal sexual assault. She also has a total of 30 misdemeanor charges against her: Four counts of third-degree sexual abuse and 26 counts of endangering the welfare of a child. She'll spend two years behind bars. The judge also imposed 10 years' probation, sex offender registration and 10-year orders of protection for the two boys she had sex with.

During the trial, Modica wept as her 16-year-old daughter, Danielle, told the judge she and her mother had competed for the same 15-year-old boy. Danielle testified that she banged on the bathroom door at the family home one day last year as her mother and her boyfriend engaged in oral sex. "I was betrayed by both of them," Danielle Modica said.

Some have speculated that Beth felt fiercely competitive with her daughter, which led her to sleep with her boyfriend. "I will be eternally remorseful," Beth Modica said in the trial.

While Linda Hogan, 49, didn't go after her daughter's boyfriend, she did begin dating a 19-year-old mutual acquaintance in the midst of her divorce trial to Hulk Hogan, which upset her 20-year-old daughter, Brooke.

Another Florida mother, whose name was withheld to protect her daughter's identity, held her child down and pierced her genitals to "make sex uncomfortable for her" and tried to shave her head to "make her unattractive to boys" after the mother discovered the girl had sex with the mother's boyfriend.

What the heck is going on here?

"These are very extreme cases of mother-daughter rivalry, however it's somewhat common for mothers to experience jealousy toward their children," says Jane Greer, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist in New York City. "These moms are saying, 'I'm just as pretty and desirable as you. We're on the same level--and I might even be better.'"

How does this happen? "Mothers can become competitive with their daughters if they were denied affection or affirmation by their own mothers, and as a result, they seek validation through their children," says Greer. "They see their daughters as a 'better' version of them and view their kid's accomplishments as a personal loss for them--not a gain for their offspring."

What's more, if the husband dotes on his daughter, it can fuel the mother's drive to feel important. Even worse, if the daughter is an only child, the competition may be fiercer because the mother can blur--and sometimes void--the parent-child lines altogether. And if the child has no parental authority, she in turn will start to view herself as her mother's equal and continue the cycle.

That said, we're all human and it's only natural to feel occasional pangs of jealousy toward a sibling, friend, co-worker, and yes, even a daughter. What's important, says Dr. Greer, is how those feelings of envy are channeled. Instead of internalizing the child's fortune as a personal attack, Greer says moms should view their kid's success in a vacuum--it's about the daughter and nobody else. Mothers should feel proud of the role they played in their children's lives and share in their success, not steal it. Then focus on personal goals and taking steps to boost their self-esteem through counseling.

Have you ever had mother-daughter competition?

next: Divorce 101: Telling the Kids
25 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous July 10, 2008, 6:17 PM

This is the kind of crap that happens on primetime soap operas—and that’s where it should stay. There’s no excuse for a mom who would go after her daughter’s boyfriend.

Anonymous July 10, 2008, 6:39 PM

This is sick and twisted! i feel so bad for the daughter-this could tarnish her for life.

Davina July 11, 2008, 6:58 AM

This is just downright nasty, disguisting and inmoral. How could you do something like that so inmoral, let alone to your own child. What are these women thinking??? Not of the kids….

Anonymous July 11, 2008, 8:55 AM

Does anyone else see anything wrong with refering to what happened between the mother and her daughter’s boyfriend as “sex”?? You can bet that if the roles were reversed and it was the father preying on the son’s girlfriend it would (rightly) be called rape.

Anonymous July 11, 2008, 10:44 AM

OMG This just makes me want to vomit. I cry for the daughters of America when I read these stories.

Anonymous July 11, 2008, 11:16 AM

Mom needs to grow up! This is not junior high school. I’m a mom and I can’t imagine ever doing that to my daughters.

Deb July 11, 2008, 11:55 AM

I agree this is sick and demented. And it would be called rape if the roles were reversed…..I guess they figure the guy (kid) was all for it so it was “sex”. How humiliating this must be for these daughters. First, what in the world makes a woman think like that? Just because she didn’t get enough attention from her mother as a child? Find a man your own age to get attention from!! I think they are twisted and don’t want to let go of their youth and when they realize their daughters are old enough for boyfriends they just get down right jealous!! So instead of teaching their 16 year old daughter “safe sex” or why she should wait they take their boyfriends in the bathroom right in front of them!! SICK..SICK..SICK!! I have heard that Brooke Hogan is totally disgusted with her moms dating that 19 yr. old, as well as her father and brother right now for all the stupid crap they are doing as well. I know I sure would be. She needs to stay as far away as possible from all of them. Sadly this type of thing is becoming common these days. It seems this generation has forgotten about morals and self respect. I just hope I am able to instill values in my children and now grandchildren that would make my grandmother proud…..shouldn’t we all?

Mrs. C July 11, 2008, 12:42 PM

I have met Linda and Brook Hogan and they are very nice people. All the stuff you see in the papers are not always true. I know that they are very sweet woman. They are going through a rough patch in their lives right now and they should be able to do it in PRIVATE!! Hang In There Hogan Family There are Still Some People in Clearwater That Still Love You.

Anonymous July 11, 2008, 12:46 PM

Some guy my mom was talking to tried making a move on me and I told her and she still continued to talk to him after that. He kept telling her that he was so sorry. At that time I was 14 and that man was like 45. Im 20 now and she still fuc*s him! That really bugs me! My father is 38 and he is seperated from his wife(my stepmother) and was picking up on my neighbor, shes 21. I told him he needs a woman who has her sh*t together. The girl works at jacks. The only reason why he was trying to talk to her was to get some booty! SiCK! I can’t believe the way my parents are, they both disgust me! This is just reality not no soap opera! I’m glad I am not close to being like either one!

Deb July 11, 2008, 3:23 PM

In response to Mrs.C….I truly believe they are sweet people and I was a BIG fan of Hulk and his entire family. I watched their show all time and was really excited for them when he even won an award for best father of the year or something like that. I loved Brookes first song she recorded and was a true supporter……HOWEVER….something went terribly wrong. I don’t know if it was a midlife crisis or what but that was a family to be envied..they had it ALL. And now look…I am not going to go through it all because I’m sure you all know, but no matter what a family goes through or how “sweet” they are it doesn’t excuse sleeping with “children”. I am sorry for all of them but that is just morally wrong…45 yr. old with a 19 yr. old…he is still a child…and a friend of her daughters no less, that’s double moral wrong. And then Terry (Hulk) follows up by dating a “girl” his daughters age as well. I’m sorry but they need to learn how to grow old gracefully and not make fools out of themselves by dating “children” just to prove they still have “it” or are still attractive… my mind this makes them look totally UNattractive and just plain stupid. I wonder how the famlies of these kids feel….I hope they all get their sh*t together soon…for the sake of their own children.

Jackie July 11, 2008, 4:50 PM

It was RAPE she was indicted on 3rd degree rape…if you missed that line reread the second paragraph… she is just as horrible and faces the same penalites as if she were a man. Wrong is wrong and she is and should pay for it!

Me July 11, 2008, 8:39 PM

I think this is SICK!! A few years ago my 48 year old mom started dating my 23 year old male friend, that I had known since highschool. Not only was this one of my friends but he also JUST broke up with my best friend. I refused to speak to my mom or him for several months until they broke it off. Even now it makes me sick and still to this day she sees nothing wrong with it!! What is going on in the world today???

Trish July 12, 2008, 9:27 PM

One more reason kids today are all screwed up ! Parents that have no morals or decency.

Anonymous July 14, 2008, 12:25 PM

It is not always the Mom, my just graduated, barely turned 18 yr old daughter is sleeping with my 34 yr old ex boyfriend. How sick is that? I can’t even look at her without becoming ill. I am 36 so he is my age, I am upset at both but she claims he cares for her but he will not man up and even speak to me on the phone. So just FYI for the masses it is soap opera stuff, but it does also happen in real life, maybe that is the influence of smut on tv, who knows?! All I know is that it is sick either way, be it mom messing with daugthers boyfriends or the reversal!

Sandy August 11, 2008, 3:40 AM

Unfortunately, Mother-Daughter rivalry was the story between my Mother and I. Looking back, I wish she had sought help, as it irrevocably damaged and eventually broke our relationship. On a few occasions, while being intoxicated, she made passes at former boyfriends and once at my husband while I was living out of state! She recently passed away, with no resolution between us. I’m sadly left with only memories of her many sad attempts at trying to “demonstrate” to me her distorted sense of superiority. Lots of tears and counseling will ride along side the bright futures of the young ladies who are forced to live with Mothers like this…my heart goes out to them.

sarah November 26, 2008, 11:58 PM

Fortunately my mom isn’t outrageous like these ladies but the mother-daughter rivalry has been the experience w/ us. Even though I’m aware of what she’s doing, it gets under my skin and I wonder if she is even aware she’s acting that way. My mom had me when she was a teenager and she crosses that line of constantly making comparisons btwn us. She loves it when people say we look like sisters. It is so irritating to me. When I cut my hair, she gets the same exact haircut. She jabs at me about my weight and how she’s so much thinner. When I buy something I like, she has to get something similar but jab me about how much less she paid for it. She’s always observing what I get, what I wear, etc. I have a daughter of my own now and I can’t imagine ever putting her through what my mom puts me through. I can’t understand why a mom would do that to her own daughter.

Anonymous February 13, 2009, 3:55 PM

My mom has been going out with my boyfriends since I was 16.Im now 25 i get pretty sad sometimes.But i just try to live every day.One day at a time.And try to keep busy.I live in the same house wwith my mom.And i see her everyday.Im just glad shes mom and happy.To be her daughter.My dad and mom are still married and they both live together with my sister and i. But my brother lives in an apartment.I mean im a beutful woman and everythang.I just think my dad is still together to try and keep my sister and brother happy.

Anonymous February 14, 2009, 3:25 PM

Is anyone not reading the sentence about the mother piercing her daughters genitals and trying to shave her head?

That is worse in my opinion then the rest of this.

Arin February 20, 2009, 7:28 PM

this is so more than wrong. Why would anyone want to do this at all??!?!?

Kathi Tellez May 9, 2009, 4:55 PM

A mother and daughter relationship should be a bond!!! TRUST! We got a long like best friends, I trusted her, told her everything, I believed loved me….I was so WRONG!!! for the last 6 years I had gut feeling something was up with her being attracted younger men, mostly mine, but I blew it off, she is my mom and I didnt have proof, and she blew up if I asked her, so I was in denial!!!
Until about 2 years ago, when my fiance and I were staying at her ranch, she would wear a see through nightgown around him serving him coffee, really nice to him, when I left the room she would walk in, I couldnt beleive it, but I had not proof! Untild the day we were leaving I was out cleaning my car out, it took about 45 minutes…I saw her leaving my room, I didnt think anything at the time, I trusted him—I thought! they were both acting really quiet—Long story short—-I found her sweaty nightgown wrapped up in the sheets in my bed!!!! I lost it fortunetly for her, she had just left to go out of town. I planned on never seeing her again….I couldnt accuse because he had a angue problem, so I just told him…I needed time to my self for awhile….he was upset, cried and walked away, the next morning I went to look for him to tell him he was still my best friend….I found him dead in a field, he had overdosed on meds—guilt killed him. Unfortunely, I lost my best friend and felt so bad, blamed myself—-it was so unlike me to be weak ——I went to the place where I found his body and took a bottle of klonipins—thank God someone found me a day later, I should have been dead I am not a pill taker. I beleive Jesus is by my side.
Okay, I started talking to her in Aug 2007—-I had just met someone I though was my soul mate we got along great until she came back in my life—-do the math.
I left his acholic lying self and her poor excuse for a so called christian woman/mother October of 2008—my self esteem is shot, was very hurt—-my family is on her side…..
does anyone have any real suggestions that can help? I have read self help stuff. A therapist is too expensive. I want to work, it is hard to feel good about myself.
I dont want sympathy!!! at all!! I try to always have a postive attitude until recently I get depressed.
When I look in the mirror I see scars on my face—from the 15 years of physical abuse from my husband between the ages of 20 - 36 years old 2 to 4 times a month i got beat up mostly in the face, my mother told me dont be a cop caller and that she got beat up a lot worse from my father that mine wasnt that bad….I was so stupid and dumb to not get out—I finally did when I saw a couselor—I was out so fast. The scars is the results of being codependent without even know what that meant????
Hey you girls who are young and are with a guy who loves you 25% of the time but the other hurts you emotionally or physically—-get help!! get out!!! without upsetting him…..the longer you stay the worse it gets — we dont deserve to go through this. NO MAN HAS THE RIGHT TO TAKE A FEMALE’S BEAUTY AWAY FROM HER OR HER LIFE———IF YOUR GUY LOVES YOU AND YOU LOVE HIM ASK HIM TO GO TO DOMESTIC ABUSE COUNSELING AND IF HE SAYS NO OR PUTS U DOWN, LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES—THEN I GURANTEE IT —YOU WONT BE HAPPY AND YOU DESERVE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE….DONT LET WHAT HAPPEN TO ME HAPPEN TO YOU. I WAS YOUNG AND NAIVE AND TRUSTED THE ONES CLOSE TO ME…..TRUST YOURSELF FIRST ALWAYS!!!!!! LOVE HEALS

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