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10 Reasons I Hate You

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Author of the post "10 Reasons I Hate My Kids," responds to all you perfect moms out there.

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Momlogic's Momstrosity: Recently, I wrote a post called "10 Reasons I Hate my Kids." It received a flood of comments. Apparently, many of our readers were furious at me for not Loving. Every. Single. Minute. Of. Motherhood. These super human moms, impervious to even the slightest feeling of "buyer's remorse" when it comes to their little angels, felt perfectly justified criticizing my parenting complaints:

  • "I feel sorry for the children of any mother who would ever claim to hate them."

  • "Not wanting to have sex anymore is NOT your child's problem. That is a problem with you and your marriage."

  • "And for not having a flat belly, well that's just your fault for sitting on your behind and not doing anything about it."

  • "I totally do NOT agree with this woman. I love my kids and everything about them. I love Chuck E. Cheese!!!"

    And many, many more. So for you perfect mothers, I have compiled my list of 10 Things I Hate About You. Yes, you.

    1) You never show up at the park without your colorful compartmentalized snack trays loaded up with finger foods from each of the five food groups. Watching you doling them out to your kids, I wonder if you think you're hosting a cocktail party for midgets.

    2) Your car is covered in bumper stickers announcing each and every achievement of your gifted child. Why stop there? Affix a sticker to tell the world your kid's potty trained: Proud parent of a kid who can wipe his own ass!

    3) Your diaper bag matches your outfit, which matches your manicured nails, which matches your burp cloths. And when your baby does spit up (I'm sure it rarely happens, oh, perfect one) I half expect it to be in the same color scheme as your Bugaboo.

    4) Because, hyper-organized freak that you are, you put your kids on the waiting list for preschool before you even conceived. Now, I'm unable to find an opening within a 150-mile radius of my home and must commute to a different time zone to find a decent school.

    5) Waiting in line at Target, you feel it necessary to bestow me with your unsolicited childrearing advice. Hey, if you're so knowledgeable about parenting, write a book. I won't buy it, but when it's for sale on Amazon I'll be sure to give you a much-deserved one star review.

    6) Must you really blather on that your children have never even seen a television, let alone watch one? What do you do with your kids at night--flip through a picture book version of War and Peace?

    7) Every year, must you inflict us all with your annual holiday "brag letter?" This year, cut to the chase and give it a new title: "Why I Think My Family is Better Than Yours."

    8) I don't know how you got your pre-baby body back, but I'm thinking it involved a knife and a hefty credit card bill. How much is vaginal rejuvenation these days anyway?

    9) Because regular sleepaway camp isn't good enough for your kid. You've got to send them to Tennis Camp, Astronaut Camp or Throw Your Money Away Camp.

    10) Finally, if you've ever said anything resembling this statement "Since I've had kids, I love having sex more than ever," then come on over to my house and have sex with my husband. I'm beat.



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138 comments so far | Post a comment now
Channah July 11, 2008, 11:44 AM

Brava!

mamarama July 11, 2008, 12:44 PM

I agree more with number 2! I can’t stand when people put those bumper stickers on cars. I think it sends the wrong message to kids that public recognition is the only way to celebrate success. Pride should come from within.

mamagenerica July 11, 2008, 12:57 PM

This is a giggle, and the first post was funny, but the comments were HILARIOUS. What was that again about Americans and irony?

Cathy July 11, 2008, 1:08 PM

Awesome! I hate those stupid holiday letters.

11. Your blog reads like a phony holiday letter. Go create an “award” for yourself.

12. Change out of that tennis mini-skirt before you go the PTA meetings.

13. You are not allowed to talk about your “other” home and the high cost of gas in the same sentence.

14. Shut up about your made-up BlogHer drama already. You went to a party. Try being nice.

Jessi July 11, 2008, 1:09 PM

spit up matches the bugaboo… I love it! Proud member of the not perfect mommies club!

Another Mom Who Sometimes Feels The Same Way July 11, 2008, 1:25 PM

Rock on, Erin! I read the first article and commented that I agreed with you. The follow-up, even moreso!

ROCK ON!!!

CGH July 11, 2008, 1:42 PM

You go GIRL! For those who say that it is our fault that we don’t have flat tummy’s….FYI! I do work out and I still don’t have a flat tummy!

Nicole J. July 11, 2008, 1:45 PM

I think both of these essays are awesome and funny. I am definitely in the not-perfect mommy club. I absolutely hate those damn bumper stickers. I am going to get one that reads. “I’m proud of my kid.”

Some of the comments from the last post were hilarious with their righteous indignation. “She doth protest too much.”

April July 11, 2008, 2:00 PM

LMAO! I loved your first post, but this one was even better!

I have children, and I love them. But that doesn’t mean I love every single thing about motherhood! And I don’t need to pretend that I do. I am confident in my mothering abilities and I am confident that I’m a great mom - some people just need to loosen up! Or has motherhood stolen their sense of humor and wit?

Elaine July 11, 2008, 2:00 PM

I laughed out loud when reading this.
It is so true.

Elena July 11, 2008, 2:00 PM

Hilarious, and sooo honest. I don’t know this woman, but I wish we could hang out.

dawntrenee July 11, 2008, 2:08 PM

Great post, motherhood isn’t all fun and happiness. Anyone who sais so is not telling the truth. I am not a perfect mother!

tigger1211 July 11, 2008, 2:48 PM

OMG that was hilarious!!! Sign me up for the “not perfect” club too!

mama_chita July 11, 2008, 3:20 PM

Erin, you RAWCK!

Totally hilarious.

More funny than your first post.

I’d hang out with you, anytime :)

Anonymous July 11, 2008, 4:04 PM

10 reasons I hate you too
1. You come to the park unprepared so I share the cheerios and juice boxes I brought with your kid.
2.You whine in the school office about how unfair the selection process is for Student of the Month.
3. You don’t even carry a diaper bag. You keep 2 diapers and a few wipes in a gallon size ziplock bag.
4. You beg the pre school director to bump a kid so your kid can get a spot….2 weeks after the beginning of the school year.
5. Yes I do feel compelled to say something, after your kid has eated 2 candy bars he snatched from the display.
6. Your kids know who was kicked off Tila Tequila.
7. You haven’t acknowleged receiving any card in 15 years.
8.You gained 90 pounds 4 years ago with your last baby and still complain about “baby weight”.
9. The teacher has to take class time to explain what a campfire is to your kid.
10. Your best friend did and complain that you don’t know why!

Jade July 11, 2008, 4:06 PM

You are my hero!!!

Anonymous July 11, 2008, 4:16 PM

I am none of those things you mentioned about mothers and I still hate you. If you hate kids so much go on birth control and if your too trailer trash to afford it KEEP YOUR LEGS SHUT!!!

sherry July 11, 2008, 4:38 PM

You got a lot of unnecessary backlash last time. You know what? I think you’re awesome.

no matter what you think, you are NOT better July 11, 2008, 4:58 PM

5. Yes I do feel compelled to say something, after your kid has eated 2 candy bars he snatched from the display.


If you are going to be high and mighty, you should proof read.

EATED?! come on, my 2 year old knows better than that!

Anonymous July 11, 2008, 6:51 PM

I was feeding my baby as I wrote it, so excuse the error - so now you & yours have 2 more reasons to hate me - I breast feed and I can multitask!!


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