Author of the post "10 Reasons I Hate My Kids," responds to all you perfect moms out there.
Momlogic's Momstrosity: Recently, I wrote a post called "10 Reasons I Hate my Kids." It received a flood of comments. Apparently, many of our readers were furious at me for not Loving. Every. Single. Minute. Of. Motherhood. These super human moms, impervious to even the slightest feeling of "buyer's remorse" when it comes to their little angels, felt perfectly justified criticizing my parenting complaints:
- "I feel sorry for the children of any mother who would ever claim to hate them."
- "Not wanting to have sex anymore is NOT your child's problem. That is a problem with you and your marriage."
- "And for not having a flat belly, well that's just your fault for sitting on your behind and not doing anything about it."
- "I totally do NOT agree with this woman. I love my kids and everything about them. I love Chuck E. Cheese!!!"
And many, many more. So for you perfect mothers, I have compiled my list of 10 Things I Hate About You. Yes, you.
1) You never show up at the park without your colorful compartmentalized snack trays loaded up with finger foods from each of the five food groups. Watching you doling them out to your kids, I wonder if you think you're hosting a cocktail party for midgets.
2) Your car is covered in bumper stickers announcing each and every achievement of your gifted child. Why stop there? Affix a sticker to tell the world your kid's potty trained: Proud parent of a kid who can wipe his own ass!
3) Your diaper bag matches your outfit, which matches your manicured nails, which matches your burp cloths. And when your baby does spit up (I'm sure it rarely happens, oh, perfect one) I half expect it to be in the same color scheme as your Bugaboo.
4) Because, hyper-organized freak that you are, you put your kids on the waiting list for preschool before you even conceived. Now, I'm unable to find an opening within a 150-mile radius of my home and must commute to a different time zone to find a decent school.
5) Waiting in line at Target, you feel it necessary to bestow me with your unsolicited childrearing advice. Hey, if you're so knowledgeable about parenting, write a book. I won't buy it, but when it's for sale on Amazon I'll be sure to give you a much-deserved one star review.
6) Must you really blather on that your children have never even seen a television, let alone watch one? What do you do with your kids at night--flip through a picture book version of War and Peace?
7) Every year, must you inflict us all with your annual holiday "brag letter?" This year, cut to the chase and give it a new title: "Why I Think My Family is Better Than Yours."
8) I don't know how you got your pre-baby body back, but I'm thinking it involved a knife and a hefty credit card bill. How much is vaginal rejuvenation these days anyway?
9) Because regular sleepaway camp isn't good enough for your kid. You've got to send them to Tennis Camp, Astronaut Camp or Throw Your Money Away Camp.
10) Finally, if you've ever said anything resembling this statement "Since I've had kids, I love having sex more than ever," then come on over to my house and have sex with my husband. I'm beat.