10 Reasons I Hate You

Friday, July 11, 2008

filed under: andrea

Author of the post "10 Reasons I Hate My Kids," responds to all you perfect moms out there.

Momlogic's Andrea: Recently, I wrote a post called "10 Reasons I Hate my Kids." It received a flood of comments. Apparently, many of our readers were furious at me for not Loving. Every. Single. Minute. Of. Motherhood. These super human moms, impervious to even the slightest feeling of "buyer's remorse" when it comes to their little angels, felt perfectly justified criticizing my parenting complaints:

"I feel sorry for the children of any mother who would ever claim to hate them."
"Not wanting to have sex anymore is NOT your child's problem. That is a problem with you and your marriage."
"And for not having a flat belly, well that's just your fault for sitting on your behind and not doing anything about it."
"I totally do NOT agree with this woman. I love my kids and everything about them. I love Chuck E. Cheese!!!"

And many, many more. So for you perfect mamas, I have compiled my list of 10 Things I Hate About You. Yes, you.

1) You never show up at the park without your colorful compartmentalized snack trays loaded up with finger foods from each of the five food groups. Watching you doling them out to your kids, I wonder if you think you're hosting a cocktail party for midgets.

2) Your car is covered in bumper stickers announcing each and every achievement of your gifted child. Why stop there? Affix a sticker to tell the world your kid's potty trained: Proud parent of a kid who can wipe his own ass!

3) Your diaper bag matches your outfit, which matches your manicured nails, which matches your burp cloths. And when your baby does spit up (I'm sure it rarely happens, oh, perfect one) I half expect it to be in the same color scheme as your Bugaboo.

4) Because, hyper-organized freak that you are, you put your kids on the waiting list for preschool before you even conceived. Now, I'm unable to find an opening within a 150-mile radius of my home and must commute to a different time zone to find a decent school.

5) Waiting in line at Target, you feel it necessary to bestow me with your unsolicited childrearing advice. Hey, if you're so knowledgeable about parenting, write a book. I won't buy it, but when it's for sale on Amazon I'll be sure to give you a much-deserved one star review.

6) Must you really blather on that your children have never even seen a television, let alone watch one? What do you do with your kids at night--flip through a picture book version of War and Peace?

7) Every year, must you inflict us all with your annual holiday "brag letter?" This year, cut to the chase and give it a new title: "Why I Think My Family is Better Than Yours."

8) I don't know how you got your pre-baby body back, but I'm thinking it involved a knife and a hefty credit card bill. How much is vaginal rejuvenation these days anyway?

9) Because regular sleepaway camp isn't good enough for your kid. You've got to send them to Tennis Camp, Astronaut Camp or Throw Your Money Away Camp.

10) Finally, if you've ever said anything resembling this statement "Since I've had kids, I love having sex more than ever," then come on over to my house and have sex with my husband. I'm beat.
See Also:
- 10 Reasons I Hate My Kids

filed under: andrea

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75 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

Wow, now that was funny. I’ll try not to share this conservatives, they’ll freak out! Actually, I’m going to have to link to this from my blog. I have to share this one with everyone I know.

- John Esberg

Posted 07/11/08 09:01 PM

This was the awesome! Hahahah! Erin, don’t give the perfect mommies another second of your time. Real world parents know life with kids isn’t all rainbows and roses, and we’re not afraid to admit there are days when we wish we had kept our legs closed. *wink* Keep on being honest. It’s better than fake and pretentious any day of the week.

- Kat

Posted 07/12/08 01:54 AM

YOU are hilarious! great sense of humor! Just came by to check this out.. because you’re creating an uproar on cafemom.com.

- Laura

Posted 07/12/08 05:00 PM

I don’t have kids yet and I love it!!!! Safe to say I am not deluded about the reality of reproducing and creating offspring.

- Childless

Posted 07/12/08 07:38 PM

You and other selfish women like you are the reason I will never be against abortion. Some people shouldn’t have children at all. You spend your lives being selfish and then blame all the problems of your dysfunctional children on the school system.

- Hillary

Posted 07/13/08 12:06 PM

It really amazes me how harsh people are being. who gives anyone the right to say a child shouldn’t be born and how could you say something like that and think that you are better than anyone?

- Anonymous

Posted 07/13/08 12:25 PM

So funny!! So true! But something that I also think is quite funny and expected is that the commentors who blasted you kept themselves “anonymous”. How typical!

- Carol

Posted 07/14/08 01:48 AM

I love it, I really do… You have great talent..

- ally8605

Posted 07/14/08 04:45 AM

I can’t believe people are so goddamned easily offended. I just read both posts and thought they were funny. Now I’m going to read everything hatefulmommy has written. And what the hell is wrong with 2 diapers and a handful of wipes in a ziploc bag? What more does one need?

- Liz

Posted 07/14/08 10:51 AM

You rock! Thanks for saying what many of us are thinking! LOVE it!!

- Jenn

Posted 07/14/08 01:48 PM

See people do have those thoughts about their kids. I dont know anyone who doesn’t I love my little girl with all my heart but I hate her all at the same time!!! Those wet sheets and tempertantrums are crap!!!! I am glad you were brave enough to post both articles becasue I never would have been. I love my baby but I really hate all the resposiblity that she came with.

- Roselle

Posted 07/14/08 06:49 PM

I just think that this post is (for lack of a better word) stupid. Why is it that people feel the need to berate mothers who attempt to appear put-togther? And sorry, but I LOVE my child, even though she can be a complete terror sometimes, and guess what? I’m not perfect! And you know what else? I’m not going to pick on you simply because you are so insecure in yourself that you feel the need to lash out against people who you feel threatened by. All I have to say is “Grow up!”

- Kate

Posted 07/15/08 12:47 PM

ahhh… i have read both! and i think they are so funny! i loved them! i dont have any kids of my own but i have raised a niece who is 2. i LOVE her..and i feel like a real mom.. but i couldnt agree any more with this! to those “perfect moms” get over it.. dont get all hurt because you know its true!

- joanna

Posted 07/18/08 04:37 PM

While I got that you were being sarcastic, I really found your first article in poor taste. I mean come on- you COULD have ended it with at least one thing you do love about your kids….ya know so at least us Mom’s who AREN’T pushing around a bugaboo or carrying cherrios in our purse could agree with you…or at the very least so 10 years from now those kids you “hate” won’t read this archived blog and go into 23 years of therapy cause their Mom said they hated them….AND talked about her sex life in the same article. Uh- EW. So while I’m all for being funny, I’m also all for protecting those little innocent people. Besides- save the therapists of tomorrow for the kids of the cherrio toting bugaboo pushing crowd they are the ones who really need it.

- Carrie

Posted 07/20/08 10:38 PM

LOl, a little baby humor never hurt no one, as long as we know where to draw the line. I suppose you have to exercise some political correctness, even where babys are concerned.

- gragusa@mail.com

Posted 07/21/08 10:03 AM

OMG that was funny… I didn’t read your original story but this was so funny!!

- Truth

Posted 07/21/08 09:59 PM

OMG people this is just humor! I love it! Some people should just lighten up!

- Anonymous

Posted 07/22/08 03:14 PM

i adore you in every way possible…i truly enjoy the looks of the parents when i show up to the pta meetings with multicolored hair and tattoos and actually have something intelligent to say!! Someone needs to knock some of these parents down a notch and let them know that since they raise their kids with a “my poop doesnt stick attitude” they are really raising little bullies. This is why my bumper sticker reads my kid can kick your honor students A$$

- Punkrocmom

Posted 07/29/08 04:39 PM

WOW. This was even worse than the first article. I have to say, this woman seriously cannot write, at least not well. However, I did think the post by Anonymous was sheer genius. 10 reasons I hate you too 1. You are embarrassed and self-conscious that you are such a lazy mother. Instead of addressing these issues within yourself, you project them outwards. You’re a psychiatric study waiting to be written. 2. You’re too self-involved to take your children to sports and after-school events, thus preventing them from earning achievement bumper stickers, which you would happily display given the chance. 3. You change your baby at the restaurant. No, not in the bathroom. AT THE FREAKING TABLE! You know who you are. 4. Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on ours. Get it? 5. You seem to be in need of parenting advice. Maybe you’d better buy our book, after all. (I’ll see about getting you an Advanced Reader Copy.) 6. You don’t like for us to diss the TV. It’s not nice of us. After all, would you ridicule our babysitters? 7. Your holiday card is entitled, “Ten Things I Hate About this Family at Christmas.” 8. You are a ‘victim’ of poor eating habits and poor genetics, and you’ll never let us skinnies forget it! 9. Who needs camp when you can farm the kids off on your friends and relatives? More money for retail therapy! 10. Your husband posted elsewhere, with that same closing offer.

- jennifer

Posted 08/12/08 05:33 PM

Wow…the super mamas don’t seem to be following the “irony” thing…

- Jen

Posted 08/13/08 05:56 PM