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Can Cheating Save Your Marriage? Page 2

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Continued from PAGE 1: Can Cheating Save Your Marriage?

Momlogic: Why did you create Ashley Madison?

Noel Biderman: I didn't invent cheating, it's been around since the dawn of time. I am simply creating an easy platform for people to stray. Ashley Madison doesn't provide alibis or any sort of screening. We just connect people, then let them make their own decisions.  However, we do have fraud detection and an anti-harassment policy so users can report people who abuse the system. We also encourage building a rapport with a person before going offline and taking things to the next level. It's just not safe to hand out your personal email address to someone you just met. 

ML: Are you helping or hurting marriages? 
NB: For some people, cheating allows them to be a better spouse.  If you're going through a rough patch in your marriage or are sexually frustrated, finding a quick outlet can help. And I get thanked for it every day. Many people write to me saying Ashley Madison has saved their marriage and that without the opportunity to stray, they would be divorced by now. But I also get my share of hate mail. Some people think I am the devil.

ML: Do all men cheat?
NB: At one point or another both men and women have cheated on their significant other. Why? Because we're human. And if you can have an affair and know for sure you won't get caught, most people would commit adultery. Marriage is unnatural--for some reason we believe we're supposed to have only one partner for life. For those who can remain faithful for years and years, that's amazing. For most people, it's impossible. 

ML: Who is your typical Ashley Madison customer?

NB: 70% of our users are men, but women are logging on in droves. Our research found women are joining the site after one or two years of marriage, while men wait until five or seven years. It could be because many women want to get married young and when they finally do, many realize it's not what they signed up for. Men join our site later because in general, they have more outlets to channel their sexual energy--strip clubs, for example. However, most people cheat when something isn't right in the relationship. Everyone has needs, and it's a struggle to spend your life trying to meet someone else's. Cheating isn't about finding someone better looking. It's about not getting your needs met--that's when people cheat.  

ML: You're married with two children--does this mean you cheat as well?
NB: I've only been married for five years but I see how easy it is to cheat--the first year of marriage, the birth of your first baby, work stress--however, I am faithful. My wife has emotional and physical needs I must meet. If I don't, she may cheat on me. And believe me, I'd be crushed if that were to happen, but I'd also have to face the reasons why. I don't believe in 'till death do you part' if you're miserable. People believe they should stick out the marriage even if it's killing them. That's no way to live. 

ML: What can you tell readers about the warning signs of a cheater?
NB: If you notice your partner acting dramatically different, suddenly working late, or acting distant, it's usually a telltale sign. Some people want to be caught because they're too scared to end their marriage--and for others it's a cry to save it. But we're too hard on cheaters. If Elizabeth Edwards can forgive her husband for straying, the world can too.

To hear what three Ashley Madison clients had to say about their actions, go to Can Cheating Save Your Marriage? Page 3

next: Do Ear Infections = Fat?
26 comments so far | Post a comment now
frogman October 14, 2008, 4:58 AM

the phrase “god bless america” is a punchline right?

Cathy October 15, 2008, 11:10 PM

I think it is funny how everyone wants to tell everyone else what is right and wrong for them and their relationship. My husband has peyronis dieases and feels it is my fault and I should fix it he will do nothing to help himself. We have gone to doctors and they have prescribed excerises and meds and if I do not do it for him it will not get done. He does not touch me in anyway. This has been going on for 5 years. Talk about a complex. I have never been with anyone but my husband, I am 41, met when I was 18. We may have sex everyother month if I beg enough and annoye him enough. Every women in her late 30’s and on knows your sex drive is out of control now. We have gone thru counsling and doctors but he can not get over it is all about him. I finally got a vibrator 4 months ago, I told my husband, tring to be truthful and he told me I hurt his feelings. I couldn’t believe it, he does not have sex with me for months and I hurt his feelings. Then I helped him out and he told me he would take care of me tomorrow “is that ok” and went and watched tv. Asked me the next day did I take care of myself with the vibrator. NO I WAS TO PISSED OFF!!!!! Well he thinks I did. When anonymous said you need physical contact you do. You get a sever complex that you mean nothing. I do not know if I would cheat on my husband, I do believe if the right attention came along there is a very good chance. You people with your judgement on others really does make me laugh. And the women who say if there husbands cheat “I’m out of there” been there to honey and still sucking it up. I did marry him, but I also chose to bring my kids in this world and life is not all about me and my wants or needs. People cheat for all kind of reasons and only they know what is right and wrong for them. I do not believe that I would be angry at my husband if he cheated on me now, just crushed at the fact that he doesn’t want sex with me. He just wants me to take care of him. Some days I wish he would.

Jojosmama March 10, 2009, 1:28 PM

WOW! After reading this, my desire to one day get married is totally gone… So Sad.

Christina May 29, 2009, 7:06 PM

JoJo -
It doesn’t have to be like that.

I agree with something, I think it was Rachel said: there’s a whole lot of “me, me, me,” when marriage is about “us,” and “you” (the other person).

No relationship, married or otherwise, is going to be a healthy one when one person (or both) is only focused on themself.

Miss Pissed November 6, 2009, 11:45 PM

That’s bullshit.

Mylissa February 17, 2010, 12:48 PM

Rachel, I am with you on this. Also is any one thinking what if the condom brakes? Because lets face it fokes, nothing is 100%. What about STDs, HIV, Pregnancy? If your not happy just leave. There is ro reason good enough, to put the person at risk for HIV or any other STD. So even if you have no morals use your brain.

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