Dad's Dozen Deadly Sins

Dad's Dozen Deadly Sins

Friday, August 8, 2008

filed under: paul starke

Guest blogger Paul Starke: Many people have told me that raising a child is basically "trial and error." According to my wife, however, I've been practicing "error and error," which includes some of the insane things that come out of my mouth. Today's "Daddy Dozen": 12 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO YOUR WIFE AFTER SHE'S GIVEN BIRTH.

1. "Why are you wearing those tan underpants again?"

It's a slippery slope from sexy black thong to functional sepia-toned briefs.

2. "You shouldn't hold him like that."

Moms LOVE it when you backseat parent!

3. "It's cool if I go see The Dark Knight on Friday, right?"

Apparently, dads in their 30s shouldn't be dressing up like The Joker.

4. "Since I can't go see The Dark Knight, what about Iron Man?"

Not a very smart follow-up. I need to accept the fact that I'll never see another movie without the words "Baby" or "Einstein" in the title. I'm praying that the next Batman movie is called The Dark Knight Meets Baby Einstein

5. "What's for dinner?"

In this case, I dined on a plate of "angry glare" with a side of "silent treatment."

6. "I can't believe Jessica Alba had her baby three months ago--she looks great!"

She really does look fantastic; I'm just ...

7. "Pull my finger"

For some reason my wife didn't find this charming. Probably because she's not an 8-year-old.

8. "Great news! My Fantasy Football League made me commissioner this season!"

Can't I be a little proud that my pretend sports league made me the pretend commissioner?

9. "Do you want to do it tonight?"

Is it too much to ask for 4 minutes between feedings?

10."Does this smell like poo?"

Guys--this is ONLY acceptable if you're referring to the baby, and not your shirt.

11."Other moms manage to handle it..."

I slept on the couch, and deservedly so, for this one.

12. "I love you honey, and I'm completely in awe of you"

This is the one thing you SHOULD say, in case you happened to utter one of the unfortunate phrases on this list.

Paul Starke is an Emmy-winning TV Producer, and a co-writer of the #1 New York Times Bestseller, An Inconvenient Book.

9 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

HYSTERICAL!

- foxymama

Posted 08/08/08 01:48 PM

Regarding number 6, My husband had the balls to utter a similar thing, first season of Desperate Housewives…”why didn’t they cast all of them to look like Eva Longoria?” Needless to say, he didn’t get any that night.

- shanna

Posted 08/08/08 02:25 PM

Love this. What real mom can lose weight like Nicole Kidman in three minutes?????

- Jane

Posted 08/08/08 05:01 PM

I don’t think we’re even SUPPOSED to lose the weight in 3 minutes!! And it’s not that they lose super quick, it’s that most of them don’t gain hardly anything while they’re preg. I’m all for healthy food choices and excercise but ice cream just tastes better when you’re preg!! Hollywood, eat your heart out!!!

- michelle

Posted 08/11/08 11:48 AM

Lol, am I the only mom who let my in-laws baby sit while my husband and I went to see Iron Man? ^__^

- Anonymous

Posted 08/16/08 12:14 PM

PLEASE. My HUSBAND watched our kids while I, yes I, went to see Iron Man with my grilfriends. Robert Downey Jr…yes, please. Women need to stop being so pretentious. Childlike is not childISH and as long as their men are doing their duties as a father, they need to back off.

- Alison

Posted 09/28/09 08:00 PM

I agree with Alison. The part I find strange is that there’s no penalty for mother saying any of these things to her spouse. 2 “You shouldn’t hold him like that.”, or more likely, “Don’t hold him like that!” are completely acceptable when instructed to the man. Gross. If men were treated as equals at home and there would most definitely be more equal treatment outside of the home, to other women. This is because men wouldn’t feel belittled, and in turn wouldn’t feel the need to belittle others. 3-4 Should a person not even be able to see a movie? Really? Last time I checked that type of *control* wasn’t included any vows i know of. 6 It’s getting to the point where what men think has to be censored to the pride of their spouse. Conversely, women are entitled to say anything they wish short of vulgarity about hugh jackman, johnny depp or whomever catches their fancy on the big screen(which men aren’t permitted to frequent). 9 A person should at least be allowed to politely ask for sex, but this is prohibited for men. Also, if a your wife ever asks, you’re not allowed to say no. Otherwise, she is authorized to punish this via any method she wishes. 7,8,10 Men who’ve grown old enough to raise a family also can’t figure out when their shirts smell like feces, pull fart gags and play whatever the hell “fantasy football” is. 5 A man isn’t allowed to expect his wife to cook. Ever. 1 When your wife is asked how she looks, lie. If she looks good, tell her she looks better. If she looks bad, tell her she looks even better than that. Expect no such treatment in return, not even a playful wink. 11,12 She was perfect since puberty, criticism is prohibited. Worship is expected. The opposite applies to men. I’m tired of this. Men have treated women poorly in the past, but please stop using that to facilitate that exact same treatment while acting as if you’re entitled to it. I mean, it’s somewhere in the bible for crying out loud. “Do unto others as they would do unto you” or something like that. I’m paraphrasing. The point is that this treatment of a supposedly equal partner is unacceptable. Or at least that’s the way I see it. Cheers.

- Matt

Posted 09/28/09 11:16 PM

wow, how clever: another “guys do this” “women do this” “aren’t differences between sexes sooooo funny” fluff piece. Good job.

- susan

Posted 09/30/09 04:06 AM

or. i watched the the kids the WHOLE afternoon and it wasn’t that hard! or Why do I have to get up to change him? or I need a break I’m tired. or cmon…he’s fine…let’s just finish real quick. or where do we keep the diapers, laundry soap, vacuum, baby lotion, sippy cup tops, baby tylenol etc… or my favorite Why are you acting so crazy? Chill out…

- sean

Posted 10/25/09 03:10 PM