Guest blogger Paul Starke: Many people have told me that raising a child is basically "trial and error." According to my wife, however, I've been practicing "error and error," which includes some of the insane things that come out of my mouth. Today's "Daddy Dozen": 12 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO YOUR WIFE AFTER SHE'S GIVEN BIRTH.
1. "Why are you wearing those tan underpants again?"
It's a slippery slope from sexy black thong to functional sepia-toned briefs.
2. "You shouldn't hold him like that."
Moms LOVE it when you backseat parent!
3. "It's cool if I go see The Dark Knight on Friday, right?"
Apparently, dads in their 30s shouldn't be dressing up like The Joker.
4. "Since I can't go see The Dark Knight, what about Iron Man?"
Not a very smart follow-up. I need to accept the fact that I'll never see another movie without the words "Baby" or "Einstein" in the title. I'm praying that the next Batman movie is called The Dark Knight Meets Baby Einstein
5. "What's for dinner?"
In this case, I dined on a plate of "angry glare" with a side of "silent treatment."
6. "I can't believe Jessica Alba had her baby three months ago--she looks great!"
She really does look fantastic; I'm just ...
7. "Pull my finger"
For some reason my wife didn't find this charming. Probably because she's not an 8-year-old.
8. "Great news! My Fantasy Football League made me commissioner this season!"
Can't I be a little proud that my pretend sports league made me the pretend commissioner?
9. "Do you want to do it tonight?"
Is it too much to ask for 4 minutes between feedings?
10."Does this smell like poo?"
Guys--this is ONLY acceptable if you're referring to the baby, and not your shirt.
11."Other moms manage to handle it..."
I slept on the couch, and deservedly so, for this one.
12. "I love you honey, and I'm completely in awe of you"
This is the one thing you SHOULD say, in case you happened to utter one of the unfortunate phrases on this list.
Paul Starke is an Emmy-winning TV Producer, and a co-writer of the #1 New York Times Bestseller, An Inconvenient Book.