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Top 12 Dad Skills that Should Be Olympic Sports

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Guest blogger Paule Starke: These 12 superhuman abilities really should earn new fathers a medal.

Who's got Olympic Fever? I sure do--especially since my birth country of Canada finally won its first gold medal, vaulting ahead of Togo and Tajikistan in the medal count! In the spirit of the Summer Games, I present to you now the 12 OLYMPIC EVENTS FOR NEW DADS... Go for the Gold!

1) The In-Law Balance Beam - In this event, the parent/athlete has to delicately balance his emotions during the in-law visit. It takes incredible fortitude and concentration to remain cordial and resist telling them to leave your home immediately.

2) Greco-Ramen Noodle Wrestling - Since this is all I ate in the months after Luke was born ... how quickly can you scarf down a Styrofoam mug of ramen noodles? A true test of speed and digestion.

3) Synchronized Pumping - My wife's signature event. It combines the strength of breast-pumping with the mental agility of yelling at me.

4) The 5-Meter Dash - Another speed event: One must sprint from the couch to the changing table in the aftermath of a giant poo. Which bring us to...

5) The Poop-tathlon - On the days when your baby resembles a soft-serve machine on overdrive, you need to clean up poo in ten different spots.

6) The Bottle Catch - which goes in tandem with the bottle throw, which immediately follows me saying something stupid to my wife.

7) The Pee Vault - When one bounds out of the way of a stealth baby pee during a diaper change. Not to be confused with a nightclub in West Hollywood.

8) The Diaper Shove - How many dirty diapers can you fit in the Genie before emptying it?

9) The Backwards Crib Tiptoe - A very difficult event to master; Can you slowly back away from the crib after the baby falls asleep without making a peep?

10) Speed Strollering - On the Bugaboo, I can hit speeds of 7 mph... 6 if the baby's inside.

11) Nursery Rhyme Individual Medley - I usually get halfway through a nursery rhyme or song before I realize I don't know the rest of the lyrics... What did the Itsy-Bitsy Spider do again? Eat roast beef?

12) Closing Ceremonies - Often delayed because the baby would much rather scream and vomit instead of going to sleep.

Paul Starke is an Emmy-winning TV producer, and a co-writer of the #1 New York Times bestseller, An Inconvenient Book.

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2 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous October 21, 2009, 8:35 PM

Wait … Dads do this kind of thing?? Someone tell my hubby!! Jk… He’s a great dad but really doesn’t do a lot of the dirty work. Definitely wouldn’t be in daddy olympics! Lol

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