1) The In-Law Balance Beam - In this event, the parent/athlete has to delicately balance his emotions during the in-law visit. It takes incredible fortitude and concentration to remain cordial and resist telling them to leave your home immediately.
2) Greco-Ramen Noodle Wrestling - Since this is all I ate in the months after Luke was born ... how quickly can you scarf down a Styrofoam mug of ramen noodles? A true test of speed and digestion.
3) Synchronized Pumping - My wife's signature event. It combines the strength of breast-pumping with the mental agility of yelling at me.
4) The 5-Meter Dash - Another speed event: One must sprint from the couch to the changing table in the aftermath of a giant poo. Which bring us to...
5) The Poop-tathlon - On the days when your baby resembles a soft-serve machine on overdrive, you need to clean up poo in ten different spots.
6) The Bottle Catch - which goes in tandem with the bottle throw, which immediately follows me saying something stupid to my wife.
7) The Pee Vault - When one bounds out of the way of a stealth baby pee during a diaper change. Not to be confused with a nightclub in West Hollywood.
8) The Diaper Shove - How many dirty diapers can you fit in the Genie before emptying it?
9) The Backwards Crib Tiptoe - A very difficult event to master; Can you slowly back away from the crib after the baby falls asleep without making a peep?
10) Speed Strollering - On the Bugaboo, I can hit speeds of 7 mph... 6 if the baby's inside.
11) Nursery Rhyme Individual Medley - I usually get halfway through a nursery rhyme or song before I realize I don't know the rest of the lyrics... What did the Itsy-Bitsy Spider do again? Eat roast beef?
12) Closing Ceremonies - Often delayed because the baby would much rather scream and vomit instead of going to sleep.
Paul Starke is an Emmy-winning TV producer, and a co-writer of the #1 New York Times bestseller, An Inconvenient Book.