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Do the Cheated On Deserve It?

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The cheater and the mistress are only partially to blame--the cheated plays a role too! Guest blogger, Un-PC Mommy says if your man strays ... maybe it's your fault.


Maybe because it's happening more often, or maybe because it's discussed more these days--stories of women being cheated on are starting to pile up. But is the cheater the only person at fault? Although I, of course, feel that the cheater is both dishonest and disrespectful for commiting adultery, I cannot help but wonder how the "victim" contributed the situation. Would a man really cheat if he were truly happy? And is he the only one to blame if he's not?

It is partially a partner's responsibility to notice--and then try to help--if her counterpart is unhappy. Or maybe she's the cause for his unhappiness in the first place. Of course, some men are just unfaithful jerks--but it's naive to think the only reason they cheat is to be evil. Sometimes they are looking for something that they are unable to find at home.

Marriages change mostly because the people in them do. Maybe the "victim" used to revolve her life around her man and now she has kids that take up most of her time. Maybe she is more demanding than she was when she first met her man. Maybe she was thinner and just let herself go. He really doesn't have control over who and what he's attracted to--it's nature. Maybe she's ignoring his needs--God knows it happens all the time.

Just sayin' ladies ... make an effort and maybe you won't end up crying in your pint of ice cream.

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30 comments so far | Post a comment now
A Cowboy's Wife August 30, 2008, 10:57 AM

LOVE this topic because I feel that women don’t do all they can to keep men from looking the other way. How many are at home wearing sweats with no makeup and your hair unbrushed?? Do you think your man thinks that’s attractive? NO

I wrote about this a long time ago. I knew a lady who had been married for over 12yrs. One day, after their separation she was folding laundry and help up a pair of g-string panties. She said, “look what I went and bought myself. I’ve never worn them before but since the separation, I’ve been buying things like this”.

My thoughts were, why didn’t she do that for her man???? Maybe if she had done those little things for him, he wouldn’t have gone lookin’ somewhere else for it.

Just sayin’……….

Katja August 30, 2008, 11:02 AM

I so do not believe in that!! I’ve had so many close friends whose husbands have cheated, and I don’t think they “deserved” it. Yes, I believe in taking care of your relationship, and everyone doing their part, sure. But there still are people who are just slimy cheaters, no matter what their spouse does or doesn’t do.

Anonymous August 30, 2008, 11:06 AM

I think plenty of women are to blame for their sex lives gone wrong. But those men who go outside the marriage to “fix” their lack of sex problem rather than address the problem in their marriage are still unfaithful jerks. The buck stops with the strayer.

bloggingmom67 August 30, 2008, 11:08 AM

Oh, please …

Maybe she got older and got gray hair, and her boobs got saggy. Was that her fault or gravity?

This is the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a while.

Sure, it takes two to make a marriage fall apart, but straying just because your spouse doesn’t hang on your ever word or keep the size 4 figure she had whe she married you is opting out — not trying to make a marriage work.

My guess is the guys got older, fatter and less attractive, too. Everyone does. That’s called aging.

Why is it always the woman’s fault?

CCP August 30, 2008, 11:13 AM

Amen and Hallelujah.

“Women: Get over yourselves and get under your men.”

a. August 30, 2008, 1:56 PM

I think sometimes the victim is to blame, but sometimes they’re not. I know I’ve said this many times on here, but it’s because it’s true: HUMANS ARE NOT NATURALLY MONOGAMOUS. Staying with one person for your entire life is AGAINST nature. All those urges to have sex with other people are completely natural.

Gilly August 30, 2008, 3:06 PM

Wow. I’m not sure if the article or the comments are more sickening. Sure, it’s easy to blame the woman. Honestly, they can’t help themselves?? If they are unhappy they need to say something. If their marriage is important to them, if they love their wife, then it is up to them to say something. They can make the choice to fix it or walk away. Cheating is just having your cake and eating it too. A five year old acts like that, a grown man should be mature enough to have a serious talk with his wife if there is a problem instead of cheating and then blaming her because she never has time for him, she isn’t as sexy as she used to be or whatever.

Suzanne Eller August 30, 2008, 5:15 PM

There is not a good excuse to turn away from your spouse to another person. I have two beautiful friends who were sexy women, intelligent women, caring and compassionate women, and whose husbands cheated. It hurt not only them, but their children. I can only imagine how much additional pain would be added by saying “why didn’t you take care of your man?”

Perhaps the better discussion here is what we can all do to strengthen our marriages, to know how to communicate, to learn how to resolve conflict in healthy ways, and then how to be a friend to a woman who is hurting.

Jenn_D August 30, 2008, 7:44 PM

This post is one of the most appalling things I’ve read in a long time. Are you serious? “Maybe she is more demanding than she was when she first met her man. Maybe she was thinner and just let herself go. He really doesn’t have control over who and what he’s attracted to—it’s nature. Maybe she’s ignoring his needs—God knows it happens all the time.”

Marriages are a partnership, the onus should not be on any one person to stay skinny, stay less demanding, stay as focused in spite of having to take care of the children. Wow. Just…wow.

Anonymous August 30, 2008, 8:40 PM

I know!! I am about ready to cheat on my man and it is totally his fault

LU August 30, 2008, 8:47 PM

I think more people should just cheat and blame the other person when they are unhappy. That is what makes the world go around!!!

Amanda August 31, 2008, 12:44 AM

Well, this is the final piece of crap I read on this site. It’s worthless. It’s obvious the person LYING AND CHEATING is to blame but yeah let’s blame the spouse! Way to go momlogic!

Sara August 31, 2008, 2:48 PM

I agree with Jenn_D.
This article is absolutely APPALLING!!! I can’t believe in this day and age a great portion of our society - obviously women and men alike - are still breeding the notion that it is the female portion of the relationship to “do all the work’. GIVE ME A BREAK!!! “Keep your man happy…ETC” With the pressure constantly put on woman to pop out a load of kids, work AND be SUPERMOM - we’re still ‘expected’ to tote the relationship load. Wake up people - relationships take TWO - not one. HE should be doing his portion, and still be able to satisfy your sexual needs to (it shouldn’t be only one way or the other). I’m so tired of hearing/seeing the same old same old story…wive’s being cheated on because their EXCELLENT moms and contributors to society. Why can’t our society grow up and start expecting the same of men - it’s more often I see moms that do it all, and it’s no big deal…and then there are those RARE case of dads in the same position that are just given HUGE props for taking on their RESPONSIBILITIES.
Cheaters are just those too selfish and egotistical to do the work necessary in a relationship/marriage. Cheaters are just too lazy to get a damn divorce already.

annie kelleher August 31, 2008, 2:49 PM

do they DESERVE it? wow… i guess rape victims deserve it too. or maybe, rather than beating up on people who already feel pretty low, we should just encourage them to ditch their cheating partners and go find someone who’s going to love them no matter how fat, old and demanding they get.

Sara August 31, 2008, 2:55 PM

Why is it that our society seems to stray more and more away from RESPONSIBILITY. This article is so indicative of a mind that assumes ‘everyone else is to blame’ BUT the actual person who does the doing. What a load of CROCK. If it wasn’t for that mentality the world would be a better place. YOU are the one in control of yourself - YOUR actions - not anyone else. Cheaters DO - not those who supposedly ‘pushed’ them into doing so. Really, people need to have some responsiblity for their OWN actions - when you allow people to blame others for something they themselves did it opens a whole ‘nothing-is-ever-my-fault’ mentality. And I think we have more than enough of those kind of pitiful creatures in this world today.

n/a August 31, 2008, 5:48 PM

Has anyone considered that maybe instead of rushing into marriage you should take the time to know the man you think you want to spend the rest of your life with. If he cheated on you before you were married whats to say he wont just cause you know have the same last name come on ladies. And another thing to you ladies whos man had an affair and it lasted more than a year in half before you found out be careful because 85% of men return to that person and you dont even know it. And also if you know the girl that he cheated on you with dont bring her up ever cause you only make him think about her trust me I know.

Forgetfulone September 1, 2008, 5:24 PM

It takes two. It’s not the woman’s fault completely, although she shares a role in the cheating whether we like it or not, but cheating usually happens when relationships break down and NEITHER partner is meeting the other one’s needs. It’s not always about sex, either.

My ex-husband cheated, so I know a little about this. I’m remarried now, years later, and I’ve learned a lot about marriage in the last 20-something years. BOTH partners have to have the desire to meet each other’s needs. I recommend a book called His Needs, Her Needs and another called The Five Languages of Love. She is not going to want to fulfill his needs if he isn’t giving her what she needs, either. It’s both partner’s faults.

Fran September 2, 2008, 6:46 AM

Anybody that cheats is sickening. Why not just end the marriage? I been on both ends, the first said he cheated because he likes girls with big boobs, hello, he knew I didnt have them. But the girls he dates with the big ones, he still cheats, and tells my son your mom was the best women I ever met. Met a damn nice guy who was a cheater, never cheated on me, its the people involved. But dont cheat, imagine it being you that was cheated on. Just leave the relationship, but be careful, its not always what you think

Anonymous September 2, 2008, 7:15 PM

i agree!

tanyetta September 4, 2008, 4:22 AM

i’m waiting for the punch line.

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