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Do the Cheated On Deserve It?

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The cheater and the mistress are only partially to blame--the cheated plays a role too! Guest blogger, Un-PC Mommy says if your man strays ... maybe it's your fault.


Maybe because it's happening more often, or maybe because it's discussed more these days--stories of women being cheated on are starting to pile up. But is the cheater the only person at fault? Although I, of course, feel that the cheater is both dishonest and disrespectful for commiting adultery, I cannot help but wonder how the "victim" contributed the situation. Would a man really cheat if he were truly happy? And is he the only one to blame if he's not?

It is partially a partner's responsibility to notice--and then try to help--if her counterpart is unhappy. Or maybe she's the cause for his unhappiness in the first place. Of course, some men are just unfaithful jerks--but it's naive to think the only reason they cheat is to be evil. Sometimes they are looking for something that they are unable to find at home.

Marriages change mostly because the people in them do. Maybe the "victim" used to revolve her life around her man and now she has kids that take up most of her time. Maybe she is more demanding than she was when she first met her man. Maybe she was thinner and just let herself go. He really doesn't have control over who and what he's attracted to--it's nature. Maybe she's ignoring his needs--God knows it happens all the time.

Just sayin' ladies ... make an effort and maybe you won't end up crying in your pint of ice cream.

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30 comments so far | Post a comment now
shannon September 12, 2008, 1:28 PM

Sometimes yes… it can be the fault of the wife. This does not give a guy license to cheat, or it shouldn’t anyhow since I know many seem to think it does. If they decide to look elsewhere for sex or affection before confronting their wife about the problems they’re having then they’re not much of a man.

I also know plenty of people that think it’s often the fault of the wife, so they assume every woman that has been cheated on must have been a crappy wife. This is unacceptable and any person that does this is a sad excuse for a human being. As if most women aren’t hurt enough by being cheated on, they do NOT need people telling them it’s all their fault if those people don’t know the first thing about what happened.

Yes, women tend to let themselves go sometimes…but how shallow is it to cheat for this reason? As if the men stay perfectly fit throughout the entire marriage. Most of them don’t, and even the most healthy in-shape men STILL age. Fact of life. Also, it’s quite possible the reason the wife has let herself go” is because she’s depressed and unhappy with the marriage.

If a guy runs off to the first woman that will screw him without trying to talk to his wife and fix his problems then the truth is he wasn’t that great of a husband which most likely caused the wife to be unhappy and then he picked up on it and started to be miserable as well. The point here is communication….and if you’ve already talked to your wife and she isn’t willing to work to improve your relationship then perhaps it’s time to say bye-bye and that will usually cause less damage than cheating first followed up by a bitter and disasterous divorce.

I also disagree a bit with whoever said humans aren’t meant to be monogamous. I believe some people probably aren’t built that way, but a LOT of people can’t imagine living life any other way…and they are happy doing so. The trick is finding someone else that feels the same way. There are other animals as well that have somewhat monogamous or fully monogamous relationships. Everyone is different. You can still have a successful marriage if you find the right person and work hard.

Women: treat your men with respect. You don’t have to look like a runway model for him to love you, if he truly loves you. Do what you can to make them happy, but only if your happiness is important to them. Men: Do the same. Treat your wife with respect and love her unconditionally. If the both of you treat each other with equal respect and show your love for one another in everything you do then you have no reason to cheat…

If your spouse does the best they can for you and loves you and you still find the need to cheat, do the right thing and leave them so they can find someone better than you that actually deserves them. This goes for both men and women. Women cheat too.

lee September 12, 2008, 9:36 PM

come on people! once a cheater, always a cheater. no ones to blame except for the person doing the cheating and they will come up with any excuse rather than being honest and addressing the problems that led them to stray head-on.

just me September 13, 2008, 10:35 AM

Yes, it takes 2 to make a relationship work. That said, men are visual creatures. Simple as that. Cheating is never right, do not misunderstand me on that one. But you do kind of have to keep yourself up to some degree or another if you want to keep the bedroom part of your relationship up to par. Hate me for saying that all you want. I am constantly researching the best ways to keep my husband happy. (yep. I am a woman) Is that 100 percent foolproof? No. But at least I know I am keeping up my end of the bargain, as he is keeping his.

If I am not keeping myself attractive, how can I expect him to be ATTRACTED to me? Think about it. To have attraction, your mate needs to be attracted to you. It is in the root of the word, ladies.

Yes, aging and gravity happen. That is no excuse to just completely let yourself go and give up on the intimate side of your relationship. I cannot believe there are still so many uptight wives out there. I will continue to keep my husband as happy as humanly possible, I suggest you all do the same.

-For the record, I have rheumatoid arthritis, among other health issues, making a lot of things difficult, and I still put on makeup, eat right, and seduce my husband on a pretty regular basis. If I can, a “tired” mommy can, as well.

amy September 19, 2008, 9:53 PM

My husband cheated on me with a woman who was fatter and dropped out of high school. She also does not have custody of her five kids from four different men. He used to beat me constantly so I went to counseling to make things work and to work on myself. The beatings got worse and she got him. So I guess it was my fault he cheated.

Renee' D October 14, 2008, 3:19 PM

Men cheat because they can. So many woman throw themselves at men with spouses and the Scum give in because they are Scum. They can go anywhere and find sex (Free or paid). Men if you are not getting something at home then leave home. Don’t stay and LIE! Be a man and speak up to your woman and tell her what you feel she is not doing for you. If she doesn’t change then move on. They don’t do that, instead they stay because they are Weak Selfish Scum. Most men don’t tell the woman about his issues with her before he cheats (get’s caught) it is always after he cheats (get’s caught). Most Men can’t function alone. How many men do you know live alone? They stay in an “unhappy” relationship because she is doing something right. This is America nobody is forced to be with someone who makes them Un-happy. The cheater is so ashamed of himself (when caught)that he blames the woman. He knows he is Scum but he fears everyone he knows will know he is Scum and a Phony so he tells the OLD sad story. “She wasn’t taking care of me”. Boo Hoo Poor baby and people fall for that crap. I’m sick of hearing I cheated because she wasn’t doing it for me. HELLO!!!! that’s when you say GOODBYE!!!!!!! You CHEAT because you have no morals and values. Stop blaming others for YOUR actions. How PATHETIC!!
Stop trying to justify your LIES!!!!!This goes for the woman who cheat too.
Take advice from someone who is 39yrs old and never cheated. If you are unhappy then leave with dignity and pride. Grow up!!!

Carol October 14, 2008, 6:49 PM

OMG!!!! If absolutely feel you have to have another person, get out of your current relationship first!
No one deserves to be cheated on! So….before crossing the line, get out of the marriage or relationship! The one cheated on is not to blame—-the cheaters are the ones crossing the line.

cheated on October 15, 2008, 11:32 AM

Yeah, I’ve been cheated on, and no, it wasn’t my fault. It takes two to make a marriage, yes. Both parties need to make an effort, and marriages struggle all the time. The difference with a cheater is s/he decides to leave the marriage emotionally and physically without being honest with his/her partner. Others may stay in the marriage and suffer through bad times, others may choose to face up and work on the hard stuff, and others may choose to get divorced. Those are all choices with more integrity and honesty than the choice of the cheater. Mine cheated for a million reasons, none of which had anything to do with me. Yes, we had problems, mostly stemming from his inability to adjust to kids stemming from childhood trauma that burst on the scene at the birth of our child. Nothing I could have known or expected. Another man would not have done what my husband did. To say I didn’t keep him happy is total BS. And that happens too many times. You have to look at the differences between a cheater and a noncheater. Are spouses responsible because their partners choose to lie and be deceitful and feel comfortable with that? No way. And what does it do to kids? I know adults who still partially hate one parent or the other for cheating and destroying families. The consequences last forever. My son will probably never trust his dad again and has lost significant respect for him. That is tragic. And how does it affect my son’s future partnerships. He worries and I worry (he’s older now, and thinks about this). It all sucks. So if you’re thinking about cheating, don’t blame the other person that you want to be dishonest. Get a divorce or fix your marriage. Don’t screw everyone else up with your problems.

blah November 22, 2008, 9:35 PM

No matter what life has done to your body or attitude. YOU SAID VOWS!!!!!!! Its a commitment no matter what.

DSG February 18, 2009, 12:41 PM

ABSOLUTELY NOT. You are a grown adult, and are responsible for your own actions. If you have a problem in your relationship, do something to better it. Not cheat. The problems with your partner don’t go away because you’re sleeping with someone else. BOTH people are responsible for making a relationship function in a healthy way…and every relationship is different. Your presumptions are offensive.

Basil White September 21, 2010, 6:07 AM

Asking what one’s partner wants and demonstrating effort to fulfill it adds a lot of value to the relationship. Rationalizing that your income or your good parenting or home maintenance covers for your partner’s physical or emotional needs going unmet is like showing a PowerPoint slide to a Neanderthal. Who’s the fool?

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