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Mommy for 4 Months

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Momlogic's Talitha: I complained about being pregnant, from not being able to drink to my mom's unsolicited advice about what I should or should not be doing, eating or drinking. I complained about the fact that, at three months, the buttons on my jeans were tight and my ass was growing faster than my belly...

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I complained about fatigue, lack of sleep and not going to the bathroom--and I was picky about food. I had a list:  "10 things I hate about being pregnant" and as a writer, displayed it proudly for everyone to see. It was funny then. I complained about having to step on the scale every single time at the doctor and was happy when I only gained one pound. I worried about what would happen after the baby, I worried about my body and my sex life and if we would be able to handle the financial pressure and all the changes that would occur come January 13, our due date. I worried about who would watch the baby if I had to go back to work, finding daycare, and not having time to run out and do things for myself. I worried about the toll it would take on our relationship to have a third person present. Of course, what I had inside me was a TRUE miracle, but that word didn't mean much until the day I lost the baby.

I realized how miraculous pregnancy was the day my daughter was taken out of my body and everything abruptly changed.

I will never ever forget my going in for a routine visit--I told my boyfriend he didn't need to come because I was just having some four month blood tests. Having gained no weight since the last time they saw me, the doctor decided to measure the baby, and putting her fingers on my belly, she frowned. "What?" I said. "I don't even feel anything in here." "What do you mean, what does that mean?" I started getting nervous. She reached over and grabbed the Doppler and rolled it over my belly. NO heartbeat. She ran next door to the ultrasound room and got it ready, and as I stared at that little monkey inside of me praying for a heartbeat as if the screen would magically change by me looking at it, she said "I'm sorry honey. I am afraid I have some bad news."

It's not any worse to lose a baby earlier on in a pregnancy, but at almost four and a half months, a doctor's visit isn't as scary, and you don't expect to miscarry. You expect to get bigger and you expect to buy maternity clothes. You start to plan the baby shower, and you've announced to the whole world--even to people you don't know, in a restaurant or at the gym--"I'm pregnant!" And though you do a lot of the above complaining, the majority of what you feel is pride. I am making a baby. We made a baby. I wonder what she'll look like, be like. I wonder how I'll grow. I wonder when I wake up tomorrow if my belly will be bigger. I wonder if she'll be stubborn like me but super sensitive. I am pregnant. I had to tell everyone.

I went to have the final procedure, which physically wasn't nearly as bad as emotionally. The only way to explain it is that it's as if you had your best friend in the world--that you made--living inside you and your sole purpose was to take care of this person one minute, and the next they are gone. It's an emptiness that's indescribable--part grief, part guilt, part shock: all heartbreak. In death, at least we have little moments of remembering a person, moments that make you laugh and help you move forward. When losing your baby, you have no memories yet. I only have the memories I created myself which was the complaining about being pregnant in the first place that I feel so incredibly guilty for now.

I wish I could have all of it back, the nagging, the nausea, the bigger jeans. I wish I could just go back two days. I wish I could still be a mommy.

People say "you will have another baby," but it doesn't help. I was a mom to THIS baby and this was the baby I loved. Who knows when or how difficult or how long it will be until we are ready to try again? This was a surprise baby that turned our life upside down at first, then brought us so close together--now she has left such a hole in my heart.

Where is she and what happened?

This mom will not be a mom for a while. I was a mom for four months, and now I know what I can do better the next time. And I guess that is what motherhood is about. I guess that is what life is about, the unexpected. One just NEVER, NEVER knows how fragile it is. We always hear it, but until you truly experience it for yourself, the words are just that. We don't know what will happen from one day to the next, so why complain, why suffer? It's this way of thinking I will change the next time. I will wear my fat jeans with pride. I will take the advice with pride. I will do it all different. I will do it all knowing I never want to take it for granted again, and though we can't control God, I pray we will never have to go through this ever again.

My life has to go back to "normal," whatever that is. I have to get up in the morning and go to work, and this time I can eat what I want and drink what I want and sit in the second-hand smoke and have a large cup of coffee and go out for happy hour. I can be by myself and I don't have to worry about how I'm going to balance having a baby with my workout schedule. I don't have to worry about the sex life with my boyfriend. I will slowly start to lose these boobs and the bit of belly still left, and I will begin to pull on my size 2 jeans again. And who cares? Who cares?  All of those things just seem ridiculous now. I'd take it all back in a heartbeat...a heartbeat...that word that changed my life.


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80 comments so far | Post a comment now
Natalie August 7, 2008, 1:41 PM

Omg. this makes me cry. this happened to me and i never grieved it until just now. I am so sorry. it really IS like losing a child, I hope you will have a healthy baby soon! Thank you for sharing, that is so courageous.

lisa  August 7, 2008, 1:47 PM

Thank you for writing this. My sister went through this, not as far along as you, and she desperately wanted a baby and then miscarried. She is still healing. I will forward this to her. I hope you and your husband will welcome a healthy baby soon. But yes that was very courageous and thank you for sharing.

Jackie August 7, 2008, 1:48 PM

My thoughts are with you. You’re a strong and thoughtful person to share such a personal story with others who may have gone through the same experience.

Lisa August 7, 2008, 1:50 PM

What a truthful article. I could feel the pain in this writer and she made me cry. I could relate to her suffering and it made me feel less alone.
I could also feel her taking responsibility for her own taking for granted of the situation…wow! It makes me reevaluate some things I will tell you that.
Bravo mom logic!

foxymama August 7, 2008, 1:56 PM

My heart aches for you. It is such a loss. But, the words you don’t want to hear about having another baby, getting through it…they are true. Thanks for sharing such a personal story with me.

Katherine August 7, 2008, 1:57 PM


It’s one thing to just talk about loss and it’s another to take it to a level where someone takes responsibility and realizes one of life’s greatest lessons, which is that we don’t have control over anything, unfortunately. I loved this story because it not only was emotional but it teaches us all the fragility of life and what it really means to not just be a mother, but a sister, and a wife and a friend. Thank you momlogic for speaking to the heart. That is what life is truly about.
wow.

Eve August 7, 2008, 2:02 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. I have never been pregnant or miscarried, so I won’t pretend to understand how this must feel. However, having read your story, I feel your sadness, and helplessness, and it has given me a whole new understanding on the implications of such a loss. Thank you for sharing and I hope you heal fast.

Kim @ What's That Smell? August 7, 2008, 2:06 PM

I had a hauntingly similar experience. There are no words.
Just time.
And even that never erases it. I have had 2 kids since then and still am upset because I should have 3.

Jordan August 7, 2008, 2:08 PM

Talitha,

I think you are so brave to share your story. This happens to so many women and rarely spoken about. I think if more people admitted that this happened to them, the less alone women would feel. I know you will have luck in the future and will make an amazing mom!

Kristen August 7, 2008, 2:13 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve been through something similar (and also hated being pregnant) and know how painful it is.

Bianca August 7, 2008, 2:19 PM

can’t stop crying. what a beautifully written story.
i have 2 kids and will be sure to hug and kiss them when they get home from school. I can’t imagine not having them here, i can’t imagine having lost them. I pray for you that you will be a mommy, it sounds like you will be sensitive and very caring and just beautiful. I actually have no doubt, that if you can write like that you have a lot of love to give.

Drew August 7, 2008, 2:23 PM

This article resonated beyond words and did a beautiful job explaining the sense of profound loss that permeates a woman’s life when this unfortunate event occurs. I wish you peace in your healing process.

tzdelar August 7, 2008, 2:24 PM

We all cry with you. Pregnancy was hard on me too. We all complain or feel like it I guess. That doesn’t mean you lost your baby because of it so don’t blame yourself there. Sometimes things go “south”…it just does for some reason. Many things factor into pregnancy- its a miracle we can deliver little people for sure- God made us women special that way. She was a real little person and she lived so be sure to treat her death in such a manner as you would an older child. Have your special memoir of your 4.5 mos getting to know her, NAME her…keep a little box with a few things that remind you of your pregnancy (in a positive way) with her. Don’t worry about the complaining. Just learn from it- the whole experience has helped you grow and with the next pregnancy as you’re heaving over the toilet you may just find yourself smiling at the same time!

Tyler August 7, 2008, 2:33 PM

Beautifully written - it really is a topic that is rarely spoken about, and it’s comforting to know that people are going through the same thing. I hope you can find comfort in writing about your experiences, and can remember that she came into your life for a reason. I wish you all the best, and know that you will be an unbelievable mother.
Great article MomLogic…

Gina August 7, 2008, 2:36 PM

Thank you for sharing this. I’m sorry for your loss, it doesn’t matter if your baby is four months along or six years old - it is a terrible loss. But you must not feel bad about complaining, we all do and it doesn’t mean anything. We all also focus on “frivilous” ideas and hopes and goals like fitting into a certain pair of jeans or having me time and there is nothing wrong with that either. I wish you the best of luck in the future and hope that in time you will heal. No, you won’t forget and it will always hurt a little but you can and will heal. You sound like a wonderful, caring person and I am sure that one day you will be a terrific mom again.

sherry August 7, 2008, 2:55 PM

I’m so sorry for your loss. I thank you so much for your courage in sharing your story.

annelies August 7, 2008, 3:41 PM

Dear Talitha,What a very sad story and how courageous of you to write about and share it with many other women.I’m positive that you will be pregnant again and you will be a terrific loving mommy.This story I hope will help lots of parents getting through these most difficult times.

Julia August 7, 2008, 3:44 PM

This was written with such honesty and love behind every word. The pain and sorrow that you are feeling right now is hard to imagine—however, one day in the future I know that you will be an amazing mom to another very special (and lucky) baby.
Thinking of you
xoxo

Dayna August 7, 2008, 4:10 PM

You always hear people use the term ‘in a hearbeat’ so loosely, but after reading this account, I will never use that term lightly again…how quickly life can change. This story is so unbelievably moving and I can feel your anger, your grief and bewilderment through your carefully chosen words that so eloquently communicate your experience. Consider this one giant step forward in your grieving process. There will be many more big steps to take and I can say with confidence that you sound like someone who will find the strength and will to overcome this.

jennifer August 7, 2008, 4:59 PM

i wish this story would not stop. i wish there was a chapter two.

omg.


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