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Mommy for 4 Months

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Momlogic's Talitha: I complained about being pregnant, from not being able to drink to my mom's unsolicited advice about what I should or should not be doing, eating or drinking. I complained about the fact that, at three months, the buttons on my jeans were tight and my ass was growing faster than my belly...


I complained about fatigue, lack of sleep and not going to the bathroom--and I was picky about food. I had a list:  "10 things I hate about being pregnant" and as a writer, displayed it proudly for everyone to see. It was funny then. I complained about having to step on the scale every single time at the doctor and was happy when I only gained one pound. I worried about what would happen after the baby, I worried about my body and my sex life and if we would be able to handle the financial pressure and all the changes that would occur come January 13, our due date. I worried about who would watch the baby if I had to go back to work, finding daycare, and not having time to run out and do things for myself. I worried about the toll it would take on our relationship to have a third person present. Of course, what I had inside me was a TRUE miracle, but that word didn't mean much until the day I lost the baby.

I realized how miraculous pregnancy was the day my daughter was taken out of my body and everything abruptly changed.

I will never ever forget my going in for a routine visit--I told my boyfriend he didn't need to come because I was just having some four month blood tests. Having gained no weight since the last time they saw me, the doctor decided to measure the baby, and putting her fingers on my belly, she frowned. "What?" I said. "I don't even feel anything in here." "What do you mean, what does that mean?" I started getting nervous. She reached over and grabbed the Doppler and rolled it over my belly. NO heartbeat. She ran next door to the ultrasound room and got it ready, and as I stared at that little monkey inside of me praying for a heartbeat as if the screen would magically change by me looking at it, she said "I'm sorry honey. I am afraid I have some bad news."

It's not any worse to lose a baby earlier on in a pregnancy, but at almost four and a half months, a doctor's visit isn't as scary, and you don't expect to miscarry. You expect to get bigger and you expect to buy maternity clothes. You start to plan the baby shower, and you've announced to the whole world--even to people you don't know, in a restaurant or at the gym--"I'm pregnant!" And though you do a lot of the above complaining, the majority of what you feel is pride. I am making a baby. We made a baby. I wonder what she'll look like, be like. I wonder how I'll grow. I wonder when I wake up tomorrow if my belly will be bigger. I wonder if she'll be stubborn like me but super sensitive. I am pregnant. I had to tell everyone.

I went to have the final procedure, which physically wasn't nearly as bad as emotionally. The only way to explain it is that it's as if you had your best friend in the world--that you made--living inside you and your sole purpose was to take care of this person one minute, and the next they are gone. It's an emptiness that's indescribable--part grief, part guilt, part shock: all heartbreak. In death, at least we have little moments of remembering a person, moments that make you laugh and help you move forward. When losing your baby, you have no memories yet. I only have the memories I created myself which was the complaining about being pregnant in the first place that I feel so incredibly guilty for now.

I wish I could have all of it back, the nagging, the nausea, the bigger jeans. I wish I could just go back two days. I wish I could still be a mommy.

People say "you will have another baby," but it doesn't help. I was a mom to THIS baby and this was the baby I loved. Who knows when or how difficult or how long it will be until we are ready to try again? This was a surprise baby that turned our life upside down at first, then brought us so close together--now she has left such a hole in my heart.

Where is she and what happened?

This mom will not be a mom for a while. I was a mom for four months, and now I know what I can do better the next time. And I guess that is what motherhood is about. I guess that is what life is about, the unexpected. One just NEVER, NEVER knows how fragile it is. We always hear it, but until you truly experience it for yourself, the words are just that. We don't know what will happen from one day to the next, so why complain, why suffer? It's this way of thinking I will change the next time. I will wear my fat jeans with pride. I will take the advice with pride. I will do it all different. I will do it all knowing I never want to take it for granted again, and though we can't control God, I pray we will never have to go through this ever again.

My life has to go back to "normal," whatever that is. I have to get up in the morning and go to work, and this time I can eat what I want and drink what I want and sit in the second-hand smoke and have a large cup of coffee and go out for happy hour. I can be by myself and I don't have to worry about how I'm going to balance having a baby with my workout schedule. I don't have to worry about the sex life with my boyfriend. I will slowly start to lose these boobs and the bit of belly still left, and I will begin to pull on my size 2 jeans again. And who cares? Who cares?  All of those things just seem ridiculous now. I'd take it all back in a heartbeat...a heartbeat...that word that changed my life.

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80 comments so far | Post a comment now
Sue August 8, 2008, 5:30 PM

I am soooo sorry for your lost. I DO know how this feels because my husband and I have gone through this 4 times (yes, you read that right). Time does heal but the pain never goes away. God has blessed us with 2 incredible boys but we still grieve for the 4 that aren’t with us anymore. It makes it hard when someone asks “how many kids do you have”. Please don’t ever feel guilty about complaining because that is how you really felt. Just take comfort that someday you will hold a beautiful healthy baby in your arms.

Pam August 8, 2008, 5:37 PM

Another thing I’d like to say is, don’t blame yourself for the miscarriage. Your thoughts and complaining didn’t cause it to happen. When I had my miscarriage the doctor told me that it is God’s way of helping you out by “taking” the fetus that wasn’t forming right, to save me from heartache in the long run if I carried it full term and then have something be wrong with it. Everything happens for a reason, don’t give up!

Stacey August 8, 2008, 5:44 PM

My heart aches for you. I’ve known several people who have suffered the loss of their beautiful baby. You are obviously very strong and more importantly it sounds like you have a strong support system. Take your time in grieving and let your body rest and re-cooperate from your surgery. Best of luck to you in the future.

honorah August 8, 2008, 5:45 PM

I lost a baby girl at birth, and a baby boy who lived two days. You will never forget your precious daughter, but someday you will see her, and she will be glad to know you. Mine died forty years ago, and I think of them every day. May God bless you with peace.

Denise August 9, 2008, 5:00 PM

I had a miscarriage 7yrs ago. I already had 2 small kids and started panicing when I found out I was having another. I had came to terms with it and then I lost them. It turned out to be twins. I’ve now got 4 healthy happy kids,but i never forget about the ones I lost. I planted 2 wee rose bushes just for them and I do get upset when it comes round the time they were due and when it happened. Yes the last thing you want/need to hear is you can always have more,it took me 3yrs to decide to try for another baby as I was too frightened to go through it all again. You will be a mommy and you will be a brilliant mommy and I wish you all the best. Thankyou very much for sharing,it was veyr touching.

Kelley August 11, 2008, 4:15 PM

I survived several miscarriages. Not sure what, where, when, or who happened, I continued having miscarriages. I wanted six children and ended up having four. (Thank God, He knows best;)) Be very careful what you ask for!
You are a wake up call for other women and men who are grieving and do not know which way to turn. Develop a relationship with God (the father in Heaven) He will help you heal. There is medical research out there to educate you, take care of your body!

Best regards.

Gail August 12, 2008, 4:44 PM

Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. Not many would be honest enough to admit how much they have or are complaining about their pregnancy. I had a similar incident when I found out that I was pregnant for the second time and my oldest child was only 5 months old. When I took the pregnancy test I couldn’t believe that I had allowed myself to get pregnant and my first child was still in diapers! Every time someone would ask if I were pregnant I would say no (with an attitude), but I would still go to the doctor’s office for my pre-natal visits wishing that he would eventually tell me that he had made a mistake. When I was four months pregnant I went in and the doctor was using a stethescope (SP??) instead of the doppler and he couldn’t hear my baby’s heartbeat. Suddenly, I wanted to be pregnant, but I remembered a lady telling me that your child can feel if they are wanted and respond to what you say. I immediately changed doctors and went to one that delivered my daughter. Turns out that my son was very lazy and buried in my back, but when I heard his heartbeat, the morning sickness, the fact that my children were going to be close in age and all of my other complaints vanished immediately.

God will bless you with another baby, he just needed your daughter to be your guardian angel. Good luck and I can’t wait to read about your future pregnancy.

Kenziesmomma7 August 14, 2008, 2:08 AM

This story really got to me … all i say is wow… i have a 5 month old but it was wierd i wasnt worried about gaining weight or any of that… i was worried that something would go wrong because i felt i wasnt lucky enough to have a baby with no problems… but i did and in a mothers eyes shes perfect and to this day i cannot believe how incredibly lucky i am … its better than winning the lottery. Children are miracles thats why im against abortion but to lose a baby without having any control of the situation i cant imagine ever making it through that. So sorry for your loss.

Lacey August 16, 2008, 7:50 PM

Your story is beautiful, its filled with much truth, and Love. The essence of Life.
Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Rachel August 20, 2008, 12:54 PM

First off I just want to say ((HUGS)).

I know exactly what you are feeling. With my first pregnancy I complained about everything in the book. When I went in for what should have been my 11w appointment and found out our sweetbabys heart had stopped beating at 9w I was devistated. After that I have always told myself that if I get pregnant again I will not complain.

Luckily, I have been blessed again to be pregnant and although it can be hard I have yet to let myself complain. I cry everytime I throw up but then I tell myself I would rather be sick, hairy, pain and pregnant than not sick, beautiful, painfree and not pregnant.

I know my complaining is not what made me lose my baby but I will always have to live with the quilt that I didn’t enjoy it while I had the chance.

Connie  August 28, 2008, 8:19 PM

I am so sorry. I had an ectopic pregnacy and lost my baby at 3.5 months. I cried for a year. It’s been about 17 years and I still wonder what he/she would be like. I was also told I would never have children and two years later I was pregnant with twins. You will never get over this but you will get through this. She’ll always be a part of you. I hope you find peace.

jbeeky August 30, 2008, 1:26 PM

Just stopping by to say how very sorry I am you are going through this. This was a wrenching post and I applaud you for writing it. I hope it helped in some way. Take care of yourself.

jenni williams September 13, 2008, 10:20 PM

I am so sorry I lost a little boy at almost 5 months along and it was life shattering. He was my forth son. It had been 18 months now and it does get easier but the pain is always there.

Audrey September 16, 2008, 8:30 PM

I can relate to your story very much. I lost 2 babies in the very early stages(4 months and 5 months). One was a girl and the other a boy. They were 4 years apart. I think about them all the time. I now have 2 beautiful girls
but long for the day that I can see my other 2 in heaven.

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