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Could Faking It Ruin Your Marriage?

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Guest blogger Elizabeth Kuster: He won't stop until you're're too exhausted to continue. Is it okay to fake an orgasm so you can score some sweet, sweet sleep? A relationship expert weighs in on this touchy topic.


It's 11 p.m. You've had the most hectic day imaginable (kids + chores + appointments + errands = total mom exhaustion). Your man, on the other hand, is feeling frisky and wants a major sex session. You don't mind compromising a bit, but as far as you're concerned, Orgasmland might as well be in Timbuktu, because it's going to take you hours to get there. Is it okay if you, er, fudge a little in order to move things along? Dr. Jane Greer, a marriage and family therapist in New York City and host of the radio show Doctor On Call, examines the issue:

"Women commonly fake orgasm because they don't want to wound their partners' egos," Jane Greer notes. "That said, there are no 'pros' to faking it. If you fake it, ultimately the only one getting faked out is you. It really damages your sexual self-worth; eventually, you'll start to think that you can't have an orgasm, and you'll wind up feeling like something's wrong with you. The crux is, it's important for you as a woman to be able to exhibit a range of sexual responsiveness that doesn't reflect on your man. It's important for you to be true to yourself!"

If he's in the mood for a long sex session and you're not:

Be honest. "In this day and age, women need to be authentic with their sexuality," Greer says. "They need to be able to tell their partners, 'I'm really exhausted. I may not be able to come.' That will keep your orgasm--or his inability to give you one--from becoming a huge issue. In a weird way, that honesty will give you the freedom to have orgasms more often in the long run."

Compromise. "It is absolutely okay if one of you gets off and the other doesn't, as long as that's not happening all the time," Greer says. "So tell your guy, 'I'm not in the mood, but go ahead!' You never know: His sexual appetite just might ignite your own. And once the pressure's off, you might very well find that you're suddenly relaxed enough to come."

Be giving. "Instead of faking it, offer to please him," Greer advises. "Say something like, 'I'll get you off,' or 'I'll talk to you while you get yourself off,' or whatever. That's called being giving. It's about sharing and caring."

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6 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous August 29, 2008, 12:25 PM

Just give him a hand job and he should be happy.

Just fine September 4, 2008, 8:39 AM

I faked it alot. My ex, yes ex, spent his time only wanting to please himself and never even knew the difference. I never have to fake it anymore my man now let’s me do to him whatever makes me come and we have been together for 17 years now.

Anonymous September 5, 2008, 12:53 PM

give him a handjob? you will only have to give it once before he looks elsewhere.

me September 13, 2008, 10:39 AM

Fake it and you cheat yourself. He’s getting his, you should, as well.

done February 24, 2009, 6:03 AM

Great article! I wish my wife would have read this.

Sara Bonds October 12, 2009, 11:29 PM

I think faking it can totally ruin a marriage, because it is dishonest and doesn’t help a couple grow intimately. Intimacy is so important in a marriage!

I have personally never faked it with ‘the hubs’. Not ever. We are very open with one another. We talk about how we feel, what we like, what is working, we try new things, etc. Due to how open we are, we know what truly works for one another. So, getting me there is effortless for him at this point. Had I ever faked it, he wouldn’t have learned my body as well as he knows it now. Also, we wouldn’t be as close intimately as we are now.

I would imagine that faking it is not just cutting ones self short of pleasure, but also cutting the relationship short. Intimacy is a beautiful thing, and the learning process involved in getting to know your spouse/significant other in that way is special.

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