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What Moms Think About During Sex

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Lately, my thoughts during sex are far from dirty--unless you count me worrying about getting the laundry done.

Momlogic's Momstrosity: For some inexplicable reason, my husband only gets the idea to have sex at the end of our respective 16-hour days--after we've both worked, suffered through our commutes, picked up our child from daycare, made dinner, gave the kid a bath, read a story, did the bedtime routine and finished the dishes.

By the time we're both comfortably settled in bed, I'm like a zombie teetering between comatose and dead.


The following are my thoughts during our sweet, sweet lovemaking--or more accurately as we "do it." (I've labeled exactly where we are in "the act" so you can follow along!)

SEX ACT STATUS: The rollover to my side of the bed

Oh, dear God, maybe he'll change his mind.


I guess not. It looks like he's going to follow through. Should I tell him I'm too tired? No, I did that last time, I don't want to hurt his feelings.

The mortgage is due tomorrow.

I hate our popcorn ceiling, maybe if we at least had molding it would look okay...

SEX ACT STATUS: Penetration

Am I going to have enough time to take a shower in the morning?

I should get the kid a new shape-sorter--I'm never going to find those missing triangles.

I just washed these sheets, I'm not sure if we have a clean set. Maybe in the dryer...

If I don't blow out my hair in the morning I might have time to take a shower.

I like cheese.

SEX ACT STATUS: Nearing orgasm

Can the kid hear us?

I hope she's not going to wake up crying for milk...wait, do we have enough milk for tomorrow?

Sh*t, I forget to pick some up on the way home. I keep forgetting things--and I HAVE to go to Target tomorrow. She's grown out of most of her pants. Maybe it's time for her to move to the 18-24 months.  I can't figure out what fits her and what doesn't--I've got to weed though her clothes and sort out the ones she's grown out of. You can't really trust the sizes. Technically, you'd think I could just get rid of the 12-18 months entirely--but sizes run differently in different brands...

Whoops, better make a few noises so he thinks I'm into this.

SEX ACT STATUS: The big finish

After sex, my dear husband always asks how it was for me.  I love him, so I always tell him it was great.  Honestly, sometimes the greatest part of it is I can finally get some sleep.

next: Leave Those Kids Alone: Page 2
165 comments so far | Post a comment now
Joe October 15, 2008, 9:49 AM


busymomom October 16, 2008, 3:01 PM

I can so totally relate

Sarah Auerswald October 22, 2008, 12:16 PM

The best line was “I like cheese.”

What a crack-up!!

zcegb hvpigoq November 10, 2008, 11:11 PM

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zcegb hvpigoq November 10, 2008, 11:11 PM

ncosx cqeasyonz uboytsjid zdjiu thkpncdyj fegnk nudvoyec

lebnx esavyt November 11, 2008, 2:32 AM

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Andre November 19, 2008, 3:16 AM

Criticize me if you want but I am a husband. I have taken the time to learn my wife. I know there are times that no matter what I do she is simply NOT in the mood and I respect that by just loving her (heart felt not physical) by holding and cuddling her. I try to take responsibility and frustration from her so that she is not tired. This seems to put her in the mood by me helping or assisting her. Men, listen!!! Be into your wife and their feelings. Don’t act like you care. Care!!! Trust me it is a win-win situation. Would it kill you to do the dishes even once? Oh and one other thing, really sexually flirt with them. Don’t lie to them, Hell NO don’t lie to them but flirt with them. Sexually flirt with them. Start in the morning and send them text messages on the cell phones and by the night time. Well I shall say no more Try it what could it hurt (hopefully, by the end of the night it will hurt you and little “peter” lol)

Cogitative November 20, 2008, 11:19 AM

Is it fair to marry somone, give 99% to everything/everyone else and leave them with 1% at the end of the day? Is that what Love is?

Then don’t be surprised when dear hubby doesn’t treat them the same anymore…it’s not a laughing matter. If these thoughts are what is on your mind while you “make love” to your Hubby let me tell you, something is way off.

There is a serious lack of balance in your life. Would you feel good if it was written this way by a man? I dare say most would post replies with plenty of name calling.

I agree everything should be shared as much as possible to relieve the pressures of day to day chores. That being said, when the time is right, your mind should be just as focused on your SO, for that moment, just like it is on your chores.

Ask yourself… When you’re in Target do you think to yourself, “I can’t wait to get home and make love to my hubby (not Mr. Dempsey), tonight?” And if you don’t, then yes - you’re out of balance, and it needs to be addressed, ASAP.

‘nuff said.

Z November 20, 2008, 12:10 PM

hmm well that’s an interesting outlook on married life. I’m not married and not looking but this makes the “not looking” part look a little brighter.

busman November 20, 2008, 1:01 PM

This is for Gilly.
You’re view of marrigage seems rather sad. I am not married but have hope that my marriage will not be at all the way you described. I would hope that in our 21st century world it would not be the woman doing everything. I would hope that raising children is a mutual responsibility. I would hope that the woman I love goes to work and pursues what she loves. I would hope that when she comes home after that, WE make dinner and read to our children. I would hope that at the end of the day we could relax together, sleep if need be, make love if WE want to. I would hope my wife enjoys the sex we have, and does not think of herself as mommy during it.
Thinking of marriage in the way you described only reinforces the notion that men are the enemy, and that women are needed to take care of the house. That is a social construction.
And men have every right to be on this site.

Anonymous November 20, 2008, 3:09 PM

I’ve given up on sex with my wife. She insists that our 4 year old sleeps with us every night and they’re asleep by 9:00 anyway.

The funny thing is that she wants another kid. A) fat chance, and b) WHEN? HOW? WHERE? I guess living with a friendly sister type person is fine, but once I get my head around a sexless marriage it’s a little hard to shift gears when she wants to procreate. (Not make love, but reproduce.) Oh, well.

Anonymous November 20, 2008, 3:58 PM

You need to please your man girl! I hope he cheats on you.

Anon November 20, 2008, 4:40 PM

There is one sure fire way to calm all the thoughts running through that pretty little head of yours… cut your F**king head off.

If you’re seriously just appeasing your husband with sounds, while lying to him in your head, you’re a phony. If you’re lucky, your husband will leave you with your kids that you seem to worry about so much. Don’t forget to wash the sheets!

T Durden November 20, 2008, 5:01 PM

Yep. This will eventually come across to him and he’ll find himself a girlfriend that actually likes having sex with him instead of seeing it as a chore. OR You will be attracted to someone and since you associate sex with hubby as a chore, new guy will be exciting and make you feel young again and you will cheat.
Keep up the good work.

Honestly November 20, 2008, 5:01 PM

While I hope it’s a joke, mostly this story just makes me sad. A man getting treated with less love then a shopping list, and a woman unable to enjoy her man. Lies about how good it was, and in turn no improvement will ever bee made.

Maybe it’s a hyperbole. I would hope it is. Otherwise it’s just a sinking realization and further evidence for the divorce court.

Al Huevon November 20, 2008, 5:30 PM

That’s why its easier to wait for the wife to fall asleep, get out of bed, jack it, and squirt it in her eye.

In the morning she wakes up with a sticky surprize!

Anonymous November 20, 2008, 5:45 PM

this is so sad and pathetic. be honest with those you love…

sore loser November 20, 2008, 6:25 PM

Turns out mine was think about her best girlfriend. Left me for her.

Susan J. Tranner November 20, 2008, 7:03 PM

cheese made me laugh.

Anonymous November 20, 2008, 7:26 PM

Sounds like someone needs practice talking to their husband. I hope he cheats on you.

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