What Moms Think About During Sex

What Moms Think About During Sex

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Lately, my thoughts during sex are far from dirty--unless you count me worrying about getting the laundry done.

Momlogic's Momstrosity: For some inexplicable reason, my husband only gets the idea to have sex at the end of our respective 16-hour days--after we've both worked, suffered through our commutes, picked up our child from daycare, made dinner, gave the kid a bath, read a story, did the bedtime routine and finished the dishes.

By the time we're both comfortably settled in bed, I'm like a zombie teetering between comatose and dead.

THEN, AND ONLY THEN, DOES MY HUSBAND REACH FOR ME ACROSS THE BED.

The following are my thoughts during our sweet, sweet lovemaking--or more accurately as we "do it." (I've labeled exactly where we are in "the act" so you can follow along!)

SEX ACT STATUS: The rollover to my side of the bed

Oh, dear God, maybe he'll change his mind.

SEX ACT STATUS: Foreplay

I guess not. It looks like he's going to follow through. Should I tell him I'm too tired? No, I did that last time, I don't want to hurt his feelings.

The mortgage is due tomorrow.

I hate our popcorn ceiling, maybe if we at least had molding it would look okay...

SEX ACT STATUS: Penetration

Am I going to have enough time to take a shower in the morning?

I should get the kid a new shape-sorter--I'm never going to find those missing triangles.

I just washed these sheets, I'm not sure if we have a clean set. Maybe in the dryer...

If I don't blow out my hair in the morning I might have time to take a shower.

I like cheese.

SEX ACT STATUS: Nearing orgasm

Can the kid hear us?

I hope she's not going to wake up crying for milk...wait, do we have enough milk for tomorrow?

Sh*t, I forget to pick some up on the way home. I keep forgetting things--and I HAVE to go to Target tomorrow. She's grown out of most of her pants. Maybe it's time for her to move to the 18-24 months. I can't figure out what fits her and what doesn't--I've got to weed though her clothes and sort out the ones she's grown out of. You can't really trust the sizes. Technically, you'd think I could just get rid of the 12-18 months entirely--but sizes run differently in different brands...

Whoops, better make a few noises so he thinks I'm into this.

SEX ACT STATUS: The big finish

After sex, my dear husband always asks how it was for me. I love him, so I always tell him it was great. Honestly, sometimes the greatest part of it is I can finally get some sleep.

110 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

I agree with the author. I am a day care provider and after cleaning, cooking, diapers, and being climbed on, I don’t want to be touched.

- Anonymous

Posted 08/19/09 10:33 PM

i love this post. it cracked me up!!! thank you for making me laugh today!!

- melissa

Posted 08/26/09 02:42 PM

Men, get a grip. Your wife is just exhausted. Try making time for sex in the morning before the kids wake up. Or help take some of the responsibilities off your wife so she is more relaxed and rested. If you work close to home, you can meet at home for a sexy “lunch break” once a week. I agree that at the end of a long, stressful day, it is the worst time for many women to think about sex.

- Anna

Posted 08/26/09 02:59 PM

How deceitful… if you’re not interested in having sex then you should tell him. IMO what you women are doing is no better than lying. If I found out my wife was really only having sex to humor me, that would be the end of the relationship. How utterly dishonest and insulting. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. If you never want to do it, don’t be upset when he finds a mistress.

- Anonymous

Posted 08/26/09 04:09 PM

This article is friggin’ hilarious and oh so true! Thanks for sharing!

- Laura

Posted 08/26/09 06:45 PM

Marriage is total bullshit. You paid $20,000 on a wedding (which you [the girl] made a big F-ing deal about - trying to make it “the perfect day”) just so you could cut his nuts off. If you’re a guy, and you want to have lots of [or really any] sex for years and years. Don’t get married. And for god’s sake, don’t have kids.

- Megaman

Posted 09/14/09 07:03 PM

I’ve felt this way before. My SO gets home after midnight. I go to sleep arond 10 so by the time he gets here, I’m so far gone. He tries to put some moves on me but I’m just in too deep of a sleep to bother. Sometimes that doesn’t stop him though and I just lay there semi-conscious trying to wake up but by the time I’m able to see straight, it’s over and time to go back to sleep! Usually I’m thinking ‘What’s going on? Oh ok, try to wake up and participate… ugh so tired, try harder to wake up… Ok, I’m up now and he’s done. I’m just going to roll back over and go back to sleep.’ Sometimes I wonder if there is something actually wrong with me that it’s so difficult for me to wake up sometimes. After working all day and coming home doing everything else, I am just so exhausted. It doesn’t help matters that he flirts with all kinds of other women either. Then I feel like he’s taking out his sexual frustrations from those other women on me and I don’t really want to get into sex anyways.

- M

Posted 09/15/09 06:52 PM

“thats so true this is all same to me i have 3 kids from 4 months old to 5 years old and by the time he wants to do it i dont even think about it,im so tired with the kids,house work,food,..i need rest ..need to sleep and if men would be in our position,they would forget about sex - kreka” Dream on. In the middle of World Wars I, II, Korean War, Vietnam, Iraq(s), and Afghanistan - men have found the energy for sex.

- Megaman

Posted 09/16/09 12:38 AM

The worst part is that she isn’t being open and honest. As a guy, the last thing I want is to initiate something that my girl isn’t into. It’s a matter of respect, on both sides. If you aren’t into it, say so. We can wait for a better time. And if that isn’t the kind of thing you’re comfortable bringing up or talking about then it seems to me like there may be a deeper issue to address.

- theworstpartis

Posted 10/30/09 03:21 AM

If you want to have amazing sex, then you need to think about sex! I am a mother of three. I have been married for 20 years. I love my husband and I LOVE our sexlife. Believe me shopping and dishes and laundry and all the unimportant things we waste our time thinking about will still be waiting for us in the morning. Unless you plan on getting out of bed to run to Target, let it all go. We all are busy. We all have endless lists of things to do. But nothing is more important than love! Look I have a full time job that requires weekly travel, own a restaurant with my husband, I home-school my three children. We have 5 cats and 4 dogs. Life is BUSY. But love is the reason we are all here.Let go of the small stuff and embrace your lover.

- Ms Jackson

Posted 11/23/09 04:21 AM

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