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What Moms Think About During Sex

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Lately, my thoughts during sex are far from dirty--unless you count me worrying about getting the laundry done.

dirtysexthoughts.jpg
Momlogic's Momstrosity: For some inexplicable reason, my husband only gets the idea to have sex at the end of our respective 16-hour days--after we've both worked, suffered through our commutes, picked up our child from daycare, made dinner, gave the kid a bath, read a story, did the bedtime routine and finished the dishes.

By the time we're both comfortably settled in bed, I'm like a zombie teetering between comatose and dead.

THEN, AND ONLY THEN, DOES MY HUSBAND REACH FOR ME ACROSS THE BED.

The following are my thoughts during our sweet, sweet lovemaking--or more accurately as we "do it." (I've labeled exactly where we are in "the act" so you can follow along!)

SEX ACT STATUS: The rollover to my side of the bed

Oh, dear God, maybe he'll change his mind.

SEX ACT STATUS: Foreplay

I guess not. It looks like he's going to follow through. Should I tell him I'm too tired? No, I did that last time, I don't want to hurt his feelings.

The mortgage is due tomorrow.

I hate our popcorn ceiling, maybe if we at least had molding it would look okay...

SEX ACT STATUS: Penetration

Am I going to have enough time to take a shower in the morning?

I should get the kid a new shape-sorter--I'm never going to find those missing triangles.

I just washed these sheets, I'm not sure if we have a clean set. Maybe in the dryer...

If I don't blow out my hair in the morning I might have time to take a shower.

I like cheese.

SEX ACT STATUS: Nearing orgasm

Can the kid hear us?

I hope she's not going to wake up crying for milk...wait, do we have enough milk for tomorrow?

Sh*t, I forget to pick some up on the way home. I keep forgetting things--and I HAVE to go to Target tomorrow. She's grown out of most of her pants. Maybe it's time for her to move to the 18-24 months. I can't figure out what fits her and what doesn't--I've got to weed though her clothes and sort out the ones she's grown out of. You can't really trust the sizes. Technically, you'd think I could just get rid of the 12-18 months entirely--but sizes run differently in different brands...

Whoops, better make a few noises so he thinks I'm into this.

SEX ACT STATUS: The big finish

After sex, my dear husband always asks how it was for me. I love him, so I always tell him it was great. Honestly, sometimes the greatest part of it is I can finally get some sleep.


next: Leave Those Kids Alone: Page 2
165 comments so far | Post a comment now
Allison Zapata July 28, 2010, 5:02 PM

Jesus. Chill out everyone.

Annoymous August 16, 2010, 10:14 AM

Ugh is the word that comes to mind. I went through menopause, lost all my hormones (but at least I didn’t gain a beard and mustache, but maybe that’s waiting down the pike) and all desire for sex. It’s still in my subconscious somewhere because occasionally I dream about it. Along with menopause comes vaginal dryness and absolutely painful sex. It feels like someone is scrubbing your insides with sandpaper. There is no amount of lubrication on the market that takes that feeling away.

So not only don’t you want to, it hurts like hell as well. The only thing you can hope for is around about that time, his prostate is swelling and he doesn’t so much want to either. Occasionally he reaches for me, I grit my teeth in the pain and get through it. The one benefit, I don’t feel completely repulsive. The thought of getting hormone treatment so I can feel horny again but risk breast cancer instead, doesn’t appeal to me. But I guess it could be worse, I could feel horny, want it, and it could be just as painful. At least I don’t want it and can avoid the pain.

What a rotten joke nature plays. Just when you can’t possibly get pregnant and can finally let loose any time you want without worrying about diaphragms, pills, and creams, and you have a regular partner next to you in bed, and you don’t want to play anymore.

But man o’ man, I really liked it before. I was never too tired. I want to know the secret of those post-menopausal horny women. How do you do it?

Anonymous October 4, 2010, 9:33 AM

well i agreeee with the article, you really cant admit that you havnt, not if it was only just once, thougt i’m too tired for this leave me alone. I mean really after taking care of the kids and cooking dinner and cleaning you are really tired! My husband and I get up a little bit earlier in the morning and ahve sex in the shower, it soo nice cause you get to sleep the night before and still have sex; start your day out happy. and by having sex in the morning in the shower doenst mean that you canat play around the night before, just that you get to sleep and be happy.

BW October 8, 2010, 1:25 PM

Why are there so many bitter men?

Men are bloody LUCKY. You guys don’t have to shoot a live being out of your private parts, which makes you think of them in an ENTIRELY different way btw, you don’t have blood and tissue exiting your private parts once a month for several days, and you don’t have to deal with the ups and downs of cyclical hormones.

Women respond to MENTAL stimulation. Men respond to visual and physical stimulation. Women can physiologically be stimulated by intercourse, but if the mind isn’t engaged sexually, it’s just not going to happen. Men could be on fire and still orgasm. This is, of course, a generalization. There are individual cases, but the trend is there.

There’s a difference between saying “Hey babe, you wanna do it?” and “You are so hot, I want to do bad things to you”. Ask any woman, and she will tell you that the second one is far more likely to turn her on and get her in the mood than the first. If you make it about how you’re overwhelmingly attracted to your partner, she’ll definitely be more receptive than if it feels like you’re just using her to fulfill your biological imperative.

Garretot October 24, 2010, 1:15 PM

Greatings, Nombre de www.momlogic.com a GoogleReader!

Garretot

Wózki widłowe November 26, 2010, 3:38 AM

I actually knew about most of this, but having said that, I still thought it was useful. Nice job!

i'd rather not say December 3, 2010, 9:36 AM

i think sexually relations is something that should be saved for you and your husband ONLY.

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