twitter facebook stumble upon rss

Working Moms Not Real Moms?

sign up for the momlogic newsletter Tweet This

A comment on one of our posts made us working moms see red...and is proof that the Mommy War between working moms and SAHMs is still raging on.


Last week, momlogic published a post called Moms Survive L.A. Earthquake, which recounted how the working moms in our office reacted to the 5.4 trembler. One of our readers, who only dared to sign her name as "A Real Mother," had this to say:

"How sad, for all of you, who think you are real moms. A real mom would be home with her children, not leaving them with a babysitter/nanny/daycare provider. And you guys run a 'mom' site, I find that almost as sad. You know nothing about being a mom, because you're always thinking of yourself first. I feel for your kids...they won't know what a real mom is."

We're not real mothers because we hold down jobs?! Sorry to break this to you, "A Real Mother," but some of us have to work. If we didn't, we'd be "Stay at Homeless" moms. Is that any better?

Many say the Mommy Wars between stay-at-home and working mothers is all perpetuated by the media ... but this comment proves it's not. The battle is still raging on, with both sides pointing fingers.

In momlogic's happiness poll, we surveyed over 700 moms and found almost an equal percentage of SAHMs and working moms feel judged by the opposite group. And an equal number of working moms and SAHMs confess they feel like failures as moms.

"It was interesting that both SAHMs and working moms feel judged by the other and they both feel like failures," says spiritual advisor Rabbi Sherre Hirsch, author of We Plan, God Laughs. "I think that is the truest statement. Everyone is judging everyone because everyone feels there is no exact right way to be doing things."

Why do moms feel the need to judge other moms? Isn't being a mom hard enough without us turning on each other? Moms: Why can't we all just get along?

next: Brangelina Denies IVF Rumors
51 comments so far | Post a comment now
Linny1 August 6, 2008, 3:43 PM

god, that comment made me so mad!!!!! so are you saying the stay at home mom in texas that drowned her 5 kids (andrea yates???) was more of a mother than me because i work????? just because you stay at home doesn’t make you a better mom!!!! doesn’t make you worse either. get over yourself and open up your mind.

Paige August 6, 2008, 6:49 PM

I wonder if “Real Mom” is happy, blessed, contented & thankful… She sound so envious to those working mom’s & her defense mechanism is to pretend that she’s actually a good parent.

James August 7, 2008, 11:20 PM

This topic has less to do with moms and more to do with the kids. What’s best for the kid? Why are there so many messed up kids these days? A lot of reasons, sure, but one big one is that other people are raising them… teachers, daycare, babysitter, TV, Computers, etc. I just don’t understand parents who allow other people to have a bigger influence in their kids lives. If both parents want successful careers, then make that your priority and stop producing a society where kids don’t receive the love and time they need from mom and dad.

Erin Kokoszka August 9, 2008, 9:25 PM

It blows me away to read just how judgmental, insensitive, and critical women can be about which side of the fence they rest on!

Regardless of whether you work or stay home, have a little respect for one another and agree to disagree. What works for some families may not work for others! Where do people get off thinking that they can just attack ones choice so viciously? And what makes them think that their choice is the “right” one or how it is suppose to be…

Whether you have given birth, adopted, or married into a family with kids, you do what you got to do to keep your household going. Let’s face it, when mom is happy, the WHOLE family is happy!

jennifer August 12, 2008, 5:51 PM

You wrote: “One of our readers, who only dared to sign her name as “A Real Mother,”“

Well, writer, you didn’t identify yourself AT ALL.
so it’s hard to take your side on this one.

i'm just saying... August 16, 2008, 9:58 PM

I feel for every mom (or dad) who wishes she had more time with the kids at home but due to circumstances has to work to put food on the table. BUT…I believe that a baby would rather have a parent home with them then go to the nmovies or get ice cream once in a while. It was years before we were able to take a family vacation but it was worth it to do without other luxuries so I could stay at home until my children went to school.
And if you don’t think that you have what it takes to take care of your own child and choose to work outside of the home for your own sanity and happiness, then you really are putting yourself before your chldren.
As “modern” women we believe we can “have it all”, and we can - just not all at once. Give the kids the time they need - even if it is counted in years not weeks - and then go back to work as they go on to school. The best gift you can give your child is your time.

Sharon August 17, 2008, 7:37 PM

I also don’t understand how this thing keeps going on & on. I have gotten it at times REALLY bad and heard both sides too. I have 4 kids and am a SAHM, I’ve always considered myself that (18 years now) even if I was running my own business or being an uber-volunteer, etc. I’ve never sat around doing nothing though there are people (men & women who do). There are good and bad parents in both walks of life. The 2 times I’ve considered my worst parenting have been when I worked full-time for half a year while my husband was working many hours away and was only regularly home on weekends (obviously then I could not call myself a SAHM, and I still had all my prior commitments including GS leader to 2 troops, PTO, my kids sports…I feel I did fine with my 3 girls who were all in school, but not my son who was 3 :-( He doesn’t even remember it though, but obviously that wasn’t how his sisters were raised at that age, and I feel he missed out on stuff… and the other is now: we built on in-laws farm, (we’ve never had family within 2 hours) we do open enrollment to neighboring school district husband works in, I’m very involved with that community & schools…but I’m not doing an official paying job, girls are teenagers in HS and oldest going to college in a couple of weeks, hubby always busy/not getting along well (we fix houses as well). We thought this set up was going to be perfect… So people need to do their best~ try and help and support others! Not everything works out how we want & things don’t always work great either way! :-)

PurplePassion September 2, 2008, 9:44 PM

I am a single mother and I have no choice but to work while raising my children and completing my college education. How dare anyone judge me or any other mom who works outside her home? This isn’t the fifties—the world isn’t the same as it once was, and I’m not about to stay in an unhealthy relationship just so I can avoid holding a paying job outside my home. What would that teach my daughters? Only that it’s okay for a man to treat them badly as long as they pay the bills and put food on the table. Those aren’t the kind of lessons I want them to learn. They need to know they can overcome obstacles and be independent women. I am an excellent mother. I have never missed a conference with a teacher, a school program, church function, and I was here to see all my kids’ milestones (walking, talking, learning the alphabet). Just because I don’t stay home all day darning socks and baking cookies I’m not a bad mother. I do what’s necessary to take care of my family. Maybe YOU ought to examine what kind of mother you are if you get off criticizing other women for supporting their families. A REAL MOTHER wouldn’t judge those of us who are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I think it’s pathetic that working mothers and stay-at-home mothers attack each other when what we should be doing is respecting one another’s decisions and coming together as moms who want the best for their kids.

Joy September 5, 2008, 1:16 PM

My dad died when I was young leaving my mother no choice. It was hard at first, but I admired her for getting through that tough time of significant change.
Now, I’m a mom with kids and currently a SAHM. However, that may be changing as it has become more difficult to pay the bills. If I do go back to school and out into the workforce, I will not feel guilty doing something that is for the welfare of my family. In the end, I think if the love and guidance is there in the family, between the whole family and not just mother and children, the children will turn out just fine.

sandy May 7, 2009, 3:17 PM

All mothers work ,regardless at home or outside the home . I am a stay at home mom ,but I will not judge anyone who works outside the home in effort ot raise thier children and provide a better life for them . Can’t all mothers just work together to raise happy healthy children!

Ambrose Galdo December 10, 2010, 4:34 PM

You wrote some good aspects here. I searched for the topic and found many people who agree with you.

Back to top >>