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10 More Reasons I Hate My Kids

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Guest Blogger Hateful Mommy, who has two kids under 5, recently read a story called "Top Ten Best Things about Having Kids." This inspired her to jot down more reasons why she thinks motherhood isn't all it's cracked up to be.

While checking out another parenting website, I came across an article entitled "Top Ten Best Things About Having Kids." In it, the author breathlessly counts down the reasons she's grateful to be a mother. I don't know what sugarcoated world the mom who wrote this lives in, but my day-to-day reality of having kids bears no resemblance whatsover to her list. Take her number 3 for example:

"A standing ovation every time you return home from doing anything--even if you just ran to the gas station."

Huh?! Since when are kids so excited to see you when you come home? And are we talking about teens here? If so, then I have strong suspicions they've been huffing glue in your absence and are a little light-headed. If they're younger, maybe they long for Mommy because Dad's been too busy trolling the Internet for porn to be convinced to play a rousing game of Candyland.  I'm speculating, of course.

Look, I don't know this woman, though I bet she's nice, real nice. And I'm sure she and I would have loads to talk about, provided we talked about--what else?--our kids and how "blessed" we are to have them. But still, I've got to give her credit for her heart-warming article. It was an inspiring read. In fact, it motivated me to to add to my previous post, 10 Reasons I Hate My Kids.

Here are 10 more for my list:
  1. Every crevice of our house is so filled with tracked-in sandbox sand that our entryway looks like beachfront property.

  2. Being forced to engage in "scintillating" conversations about the consistency and smell of "poo" with my feces-obsessed toddler.

  3. Our refrigerator, completely covered in preschool crafts, looks like a bad modern art exhibit or like someone threw up on it. Or both.

  4. Because my children consume so much milk, I'm thinking of taking out a second mortgage for a down payment on a dairy farm.

  5. Watching my two kids go at it is like being ringside at a WrestleMania. I only wish it was fake.

  6.  "Adventure" travel has been reduced to attempting to navigate two cranky kids through Costco without having a nervous breakdown.

  7. Their obsession with playground swings has made my "pushing arm" look like Popeye's. The only thing missing is the anchor tattoo.

  8. Screams of "I do it myseeelf!!!!" make it nearly impossible to get my kids dressed and out of the door. In order to arrive anywhere punctually, I have to pad my prep time by 8 to 10 hours.

  9. Since we're still in the toilet-training stage, my son's shaky aim has made my bathroom smell like the men's room at a Greyhound bus station--complete with wet toliet paper strewn across the floor.

  10. And the last reason I hate my kids? Because they make writing these lists so darn easy.

next: Kanye Arrested at Airport
65 comments so far | Post a comment now
Charles September 12, 2008, 12:35 PM

Lists like this are why selfish people just shouldn’t have kids. It isn’t about you anymore. You chose to have kids, you chose to give up your everything for their everything.

momtotwinds September 12, 2008, 12:38 PM

It’ nice to know someone else is having to talk about poo as often as I have to!!

Anonymous September 12, 2008, 12:49 PM

Wow aren’t you a peach? I can understand disliking things that your kids do but to say you HATE your kids is really horrible. I liked the 10 things I LOVE about my kids list!!

Bailey September 12, 2008, 12:52 PM

Charles, I think she was just making a funny list of the not so glorious side of kids.
i love my kids more than anything and love being with them….but everything on this list is true. 1 is SO true…and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and all the others……..I LOVE 8 THOUGH!

JLCoburn September 12, 2008, 12:52 PM

Levity is about the only thing keeping some of us sane.

3timesthemommy September 12, 2008, 12:53 PM

This list is Hilarious! Its so funny to know I am not the only one who has had moments when kids drive you crazy! # 6 is hilarious! I am with you on that one!
I have 3 girls and wow, do they have their moments! kids will be kids!

Jenny  September 12, 2008, 1:06 PM

Okay, yes I do understand the humor but to label it 10 Reasons I HATE my kids is just sad. Think if you kids came across it, they wouldnt see the humor, they would feel hurt. A lot of the things she said are funny but when she is trashing her kids accomplishments, thats just well, again, sad. Yes we all have moments where we are in complete mommy meltdown but I would never ever say I hated my kids, joking or not and especially not putting it in writing for all of the world to see.

Gilly September 12, 2008, 1:40 PM

Okay, I agree with the levity comment. Certainly as parents we need to look at the lighter side A LOT but I think that maybe this list is more angry than funny. I get that it’s probably meant to be funny but my take? Maybe some people just shouldn’t have kids. I mean, what did they THINK parenting was going to be like???

KarenSamuels September 12, 2008, 1:47 PM

Lol…at least she PUTS her kids stuff up on the fridge. I know some parents who don’t.

Wendy September 12, 2008, 1:54 PM

I do it myself. Yikes! How many times have I heard that! Love this post…

alexandra September 12, 2008, 3:21 PM

I agree with Jenny! You have to be careful what you say because words stick. And it is sad that this is what motherhood has turned into! This seemed more like criticism than it was funny! i didnt laugh at all…i have seen some articles or forwards that have been joking about being a parent. I was laughing at those. If she wants to laugh maybe she should look in the mirror because to me she is the joke. and the children should be writing about her! and think where did the behavior come from? I have three children and do they always behave? No but I always get pleasant comments about them because i dont act a fool when I am in public neither does their father! (ages; 10, 6, 2)

Wendi September 12, 2008, 3:51 PM

I think this list is horrible. I know that having young children can be a challenge, but that is EXACTLY what parenting is. Publicly hating your children is just not funny. I can admit that I have days when I am stressed to no end, but I don’t hate my kids. In fact when they come to me later that day and give me a hug for no reason or just say I love you, well that in itself takes away the stress and frustration. I believe we need to learn to stop and enjoy things more in life and to laugh at stuff more. My husbands always tells me (as he laffs) you can either laugh at it or let it bother you, either way it still happened and you can’t change it so you might as well enjoy it. I believe that this is so true. Yes at times it is hard to do, but that it OUR problem not the kids, they are just being kids.

Ellen September 12, 2008, 4:56 PM

I’d be willing to bet your kids need a break from you as much as you need one from them. Just reading your comments made me think, “Wow, you must be so much fun to hang out with!!” Not.

I wonder what your kids would say about you if they could write their own list…it might go something like this.

10 Reasons Why I Wish My Mom would Chill Out:

1.) Playing in the sand helps us burn some of our energy. Thanks for letting us play in it mom, but if we track it in the house, just ask us to help vaccuum or make us take our socks and shoes off outside.

2.) If the worst I do with Poo is ‘talk’ about it…you’re lucky mom. Besides, I’m just trying to have a conversation with you.

3.) The artwork you post on the fridge is the one time I get some kind of positive recognition from you. Chill, the art work is just me trying to find another way for you to be proud of me. Thanks for putting it up anyway.

4.) The milk I drink is making me strong. A few extra gallons of milk is cheaper than a Dr. visit for a broken bone. (Needed for #5).

5.) I like wrestling. You like nagging, get over it.

6.) If you would spend some quality time with me outside of your ‘errands’, I probably wouldn’t be fighting you for attention while you’re trying to accomplish them.

7.) I can tell when you don’t want to push me on the swings. As young as I am, I see that it bothers you to play with me now…so don’t worry, it won’t be long and I won’t ask you to play anymore. I get your message loud and clear.

8.) Granted, I take waaay to long to get ready by myself. Sorry, I’ve got a steep learning curve. When you are in a hurry, just dress me yourself, no questions asked. When you aren’t in a hurry, let me do it myself and don’t rush me. You complain when I don’t do something and now you complain when I try to do something myself. Make up your mind.

9.) Ok, you’ve got me here Mom. I’m sorry - this is gross. I am working on it though so try to chill, you make me nervous.

10.) I’m sorry its so easy for you to write a list about why you hate us. I wish when you first read that article it would have inspired you to ‘chill’ and think about why you love us. Its hard for us to show you that we love you when you’re so freaking uptight all the time.

I understand your Top 10 list was in a joking nature. All kidding aside, every action is first a thought. What you think in your head, so you act towards your children.

Try to chill a bit. They need a break once in awhile too.

Simzy September 12, 2008, 5:43 PM

Word to the wise: (or better yet, ungrateful) send your kids to relatives or give them to someone who actually wants them and enjoys their company instead of complains about their existence, before they turn into hateful unhappy adults like yourself. Don’t take motherhood for granted. All it takes is one second, one car accident, one stranger, and it all could be taken away.

Dana September 12, 2008, 5:47 PM

I love you for writing this list.

“A standing ovation every time you return home from doing anything—even if you just ran to the gas station.”

Seriously - that’s what dogs are for. My kids? “What’d you buy me?” I love my kids more than anything, but pretending that having kids is never infuriating does a disservice to moms by making us feel guilty about having normal human feelings, like a lack of desire to discuss poop or sit on a pee splattered toilet sit.

rebecca September 12, 2008, 6:12 PM

Hate? I wouldn’t use the word hate. I know, I know, it’s meant in humor; I just have issues with that word.

Otherwise, I love the list and am sending it to all my friends — with a disclaimer that I don’t hate my kids. Those who think your list is awful should relax a little and have a laugh. It’s obvious that you don’t actually hate your kids or you wouldn’t be doing all the things in your list — you’d park ‘em in front of the tube with cheesy poofs and go play Sims in the other room. :)

michellereno September 12, 2008, 6:19 PM

I love my two kids more than anything, but I agree with the tribulations of being a mother. As a copywriter, I also understand the importance of a well-written headline, one that will engage an audience to read the article.

While it’s clear that many of us parents struggle with our kids sometimes, I don’t believe that any one of us truly *hates* them or anything about them.

And I’m sure this writer will teach her children to have a sense of humor too, so we probably don’t have to worry about how they’ll feel about this funny article on raising kids.

Thanks for posting! Will stop by again soon!

cara September 12, 2008, 6:29 PM

I think this is hilarious!!! I laughed out loud!! I LOVE my kids but they make me looooong and pray to hit the lottery so I could send them all to ” a little thing called boarding school” - as quoted by The Baroness from TSoM. They can drive me crazy. And YOU crack me up….so honest.

momoffour September 15, 2008, 6:33 AM


renee September 15, 2008, 8:48 PM

charles needs to lighten up…this is a light hearted view of all the annoying this our kids do or have done.take off your rose colored glasses charles and see ur kids for what they really are,mouthy,obnoxious,smelly loves of our lives.
all i can say to the author is been there, done that!

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