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10 More Reasons I Hate My Kids

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Guest Blogger Hateful Mommy, who has two kids under 5, recently read a story called "Top Ten Best Things about Having Kids." This inspired her to jot down more reasons why she thinks motherhood isn't all it's cracked up to be.

While checking out another parenting website, I came across an article entitled "Top Ten Best Things About Having Kids." In it, the author breathlessly counts down the reasons she's grateful to be a mother. I don't know what sugarcoated world the mom who wrote this lives in, but my day-to-day reality of having kids bears no resemblance whatsover to her list. Take her number 3 for example:

"A standing ovation every time you return home from doing anything--even if you just ran to the gas station."

Huh?! Since when are kids so excited to see you when you come home? And are we talking about teens here? If so, then I have strong suspicions they've been huffing glue in your absence and are a little light-headed. If they're younger, maybe they long for Mommy because Dad's been too busy trolling the Internet for porn to be convinced to play a rousing game of Candyland. I'm speculating, of course.

Look, I don't know this woman, though I bet she's nice, real nice. And I'm sure she and I would have loads to talk about, provided we talked about--what else?--our kids and how "blessed" we are to have them. But still, I've got to give her credit for her heart-warming article. It was an inspiring read. In fact, it motivated me to to add to my previous post, 10 Reasons I Hate My Kids.

Here are 10 more for my list:
  1. Every crevice of our house is so filled with tracked-in sandbox sand that our entryway looks like beachfront property.

  2. Being forced to engage in "scintillating" conversations about the consistency and smell of "poo" with my feces-obsessed toddler.

  3. Our refrigerator, completely covered in preschool crafts, looks like a bad modern art exhibit or like someone threw up on it. Or both.

  4. Because my children consume so much milk, I'm thinking of taking out a second mortgage for a down payment on a dairy farm.

  5. Watching my two kids go at it is like being ringside at a WrestleMania. I only wish it was fake.

  6. "Adventure" travel has been reduced to attempting to navigate two cranky kids through Costco without having a nervous breakdown.

  7. Their obsession with playground swings has made my "pushing arm" look like Popeye's. The only thing missing is the anchor tattoo.

  8. Screams of "I do it myseeelf!!!!" make it nearly impossible to get my kids dressed and out of the door. In order to arrive anywhere punctually, I have to pad my prep time by 8 to 10 hours.

  9. Since we're still in the toilet-training stage, my son's shaky aim has made my bathroom smell like the men's room at a Greyhound bus station--complete with wet toliet paper strewn across the floor.

  10. And the last reason I hate my kids? Because they make writing these lists so darn easy.

next: Kanye Arrested at Airport
65 comments so far | Post a comment now
Candace September 15, 2008, 10:53 PM

You heartless cold bitch! You shouldn’t have kids, you don’t deserve such a blessing! And maybe if your kids are that bad it’s your parenting! Have a nice day.

Candace September 15, 2008, 11:12 PM

You heartless cold bitch! You shouldn’t have kids, you don’t deserve such a blessing! And maybe if your kids are that bad it’s your parenting! Have a nice day.

Shelley September 18, 2008, 9:03 AM

Most of us have “been there”, but HATE is a strong and horrible word to use when referring to anyone, especially YOUR KIDS!
There are thousands of women who can’t have kids that would give anything to have endless discussions of poo with her child.

Katie September 19, 2008, 2:46 AM

seems obvious why you don’t get a standing ovation. What’s with this new trend of moms slamming their kids- why did you have them?

Ange September 24, 2008, 1:27 AM

Gosh, Candace, nice words. Do you speak to your mother with that mouth? How about your kids? No? Then maybe you should reconsider how you speak to others, too. One of my favorite parts of “To Kill a Mockingbird” was when Scout observes that her father is the same person in public and in person. Something to think about.

Anyway, back to the original. While I agree that “hate” is a pretty strong word (and yes, designed to catch the readers’ attention), there are a lot of things on this list that really capture the heart of parenthood. Yes, it’s wonderful - we *made* this wonderful little creatures with so much spunk and love and goofy sayings - but it’s also frustrating and painful and sometimes scary. Honore de Balzac said “Having a child is like wearing your heart on the outside of your body forever,” and it’s so true. We’re terrified for them, of them and with them.

Before you judge the author, think back to the times you’ve been terribly frustrated - and remember that this, too, shall pass. We all make motherhood sound so glamorous and wonderful and touch-feely, but it’s also poo and spit-up and missed homework. Perhaps if we can find the common ground between motherhood is soooo wonderful and motherhood sucks soooo much, we won’t need to condemn each other so much other.

K.P. September 26, 2008, 1:40 PM

“Adventure” travel has been reduced to attempting to navigate two cranky kids through Costco without having a nervous breakdown.

So, I had the plan of going to Costco today with my kids ages 2 and 3. After about an hour of their whining and tantrums this morning I came to the conclusion that I would be nuts to try and take them out in public alone today. So we stayed home and did laundry.

A much better day. =)

Jane October 11, 2008, 4:43 PM

some of you people are to sensitive. its not a list called 10 reasons why I’m gonna kill my kids! I got stuff that tops hers…..

now that my daughter knows how to whistle I am constantly hearing an annoyingly airy whistle from dusk til dawn or

now that my twins go to school I get to enjoy all the other kids annoying habits as they are played out by my kids or

how my 3 resident artists will render a drawing on anything from a paycheck to a wall to my new van or

how now that 4 years after having my last child & finally regaining my sex drive I can’t get a minute alone with my husband until its 4 hours before we have to wake up to their cheerful whistling and cries for food or

that even if I do a good bit of the enjoyment has been taken out of it because I’m scared of getting pregnant again & having to start our plans all over or

how my husband & I are struggling to keep our house and we have to watch as our offspring destroy everything in it just ‘cause they felt like it….even though we’ve done everything under the sun we can think of to curb their destructive behavior….and oh yeah, they’re just kids so we can’t even scream at them about how over worked and under paid and unappreciated we are from the rest of the world so a little bit of respect in our own home would be nice because well we wouldn’t want to hurt their fragile little psyches now would we….PLEASE, these lists are cathartic! You all who can’t believe the audacity of us to smile, nod in agreement, even laugh heartily or to make addition to such a list knew you would feel this way when you clicked on the link to read it…scratch that, you didn’t click on the link to read it, you clicked on the link to have the opportunity to sanctimoniously say how wrong and selfish we are….

off my soapbox now. lighten up.

anon October 15, 2008, 4:58 AM

well, my kids fight like cats and dogs competing for my attention constantly!! i have failed as a mum, i have had mummy meltdowns all the time hence the feelin of failure.people have told me it comes down to “stradegy” but when your in this type of mind”meltdown mode” stradegy flys out that window.your too mentally weak to even think about stradegy. like i wished that someone would just take over the kids for once for me. i have been in a position that i was prepared to quit! runaway hey, but i stay and tough it out. im yet to resolve these issues im confronted with evryday when i step out into the hallway when one of them starts at me, like heres a “hate” for you: cant even go to the bathroom first thing in the morning unless someones banging at my bathroom door im confronted by at least 1 child complaing about the other. please, just let me go the the toilet before i pee all over the floor! now, all those mums and dads out there hands up, who loves to be greeted by banging on doors, screaming,fighting and all before you step out of bed? huh? nice way to start everyday? ahahaha ah im nuts yes you can say that cos i agree if you said ‘aye’ then your full of it big time. this is the real world, not some tv sitcom! sheesh☺

anon October 16, 2008, 7:41 PM

oh by the way,you cant like everybody in this world, not even the smallest ones. dont get me wrong, kids can be cute and do have those little rewards that make everything seem worthwile, but hey, no one and i say NO ONE is perfect. i bet all those people who say: omg how could you say all that about a child” i bet you dont have a child to appreciate where us mums are coming from! bite me grrr ☺peace

wolfie October 21, 2008, 11:45 PM

Just wait until the brats are 25 and think you owe them. My jerk kid that I hate will not move out. Can’t empty the trash, can’t put a dish away. That is why I hate kids and tell mine if they want to be happy, Don’t have kids. Oh, and when I am not home, he turns the heat up to 85. He takes 2-1 hour long showers a day and always needs a fresh towel. He sleeps on my new couch, which is ruined by him. I hate that kid a lot. My electric bill has doubled since he came back. He doesn’t like me to make noise while cleaning at 10:30 am, he says I am rude. The police say he lives there and will not take him away. I bought a new house to get away from the bastard.

wolfie October 21, 2008, 11:52 PM

Hey Candice, first poster, bloodly well smell the coffee you ——-. Who are you to judge?

Janey November 1, 2008, 1:42 PM

Some of you people need to get out more!
I have a 4 year old and a nearly two year old and yes I love them dearly but also sometimes I do hate being their mom. I think to tell someone that it is wrong to have these feelings adds to the already massive burden of motherhood. We have so much guilt as mothers without other moms adding to it. I had PND and sharing my real feelings (not sugarcoating them) really helped me and hearing people say that motherhood is the most wonderful thing in the world just made me feel worse. Oh…by the way I have a friend who went through IVF to get her 4 year old and is going through it again to get another baby-she does not take motherhood for granted but she too can sometimes hate the NO!s and I CAN DO IT!s and repeating yourself 20 times to get 1 small thing done and spending half your life waiting and the whining and the crying and the stropping and all the other c**p you have to deal with as a parent. All of our children are loved very much but us mothers are only human!

Jennifer November 14, 2008, 1:16 PM

I agree that the word HATE is too strong for an article that is meant to be humorous. After trying to conceive for 8 years I am finally pregnant. I realize that there will be a lot of days that I want to pull my hair out but I am glad it will be for my child and not because my boss was driving me nuts. I get the humor but some of those reasons are absurd. I think she should be grateful for the chance to talk about poo with a toddler.

frustrated December 31, 2008, 10:13 AM

I have a 10yr old son and a 5yr old daughter, my house always sounds like rumbling thunder. I think it is wonderful to have a place like this just to vent as sometimes that helps me cope by just letting it go.
I know it is a lack of respect, but I haven’t found a way to instill respect in them yet and not of the lack of trying.
I have 10 reasons I hate my kids too.
1. They hit and throw things at me, when I ask them to do things like pick up or shower or go to bed.
2. They swear at me like it is common communication etiquette. Or when they trip over the stuff I asked them to pickup just moments before or when things aren’t going their way.
3. The never once in either of their lives done anything I have asked them to do regardless if it is to protect them from impending danger. If I said to them “don’t touch the hot stove” they think it is a dare and touch it anyways.
4. They spend more time fighting about doing what I’ve ask than it would take to actually do the task asked of them.
5. They can’t walk up the stairs because they think their legs are broken or have some other made up ailment or say they are afraid of the stairs. Granted I may have forgotten about the monsters that I let reside there. Gee, I also forgot to start charging rent for the space, I could have made a fortune. 6. They can’t go to bed before 11pm. As they think they are going to miss something then complain that there is nothing to do at 8pm, 9pm, 10pm, and 11pm. Not like I am allowed any down time it is highly over-rated I hear.
7. They constantly fight with each other causing the younger one to use her blood curdling scream and potty mouth.
8. I am constantly told that I am hated.
9. I am turned into a raving lunatic after hours of calmly trying to:
a.) quiet them down.
b.) transition from one activity to the next.
c.) separate them from each other.
d.) get them dressed for school or for the day.
e.) get them to shower or brush their teeth.
10. They take up every moment of my day. As I have to worry while at work if the school is going to call and send them home for acting up in class which has only happened once.

Laura January 8, 2009, 10:05 AM

Okay, Jennifer, let us know how you feel a year or two from now. Good luck with your pregnancy, but please remember where this list is when you need it. I think this list is right on, and hilarious! One of the best things about motherhood is having other (honest) mothers in the trenches to commiserate with when the going gets tough…we’re performing one of the hardest jobs on earth (raising little people) on a daily basis and we all need to vent sometimes!

Alli January 28, 2009, 6:19 PM

Wow. How many uptight people are there??? OBVIOUSLY this is meant to be taken light hearted. I love my kids. There are days I love being a mom but there are times that I HATE being a parent. I think the biggest problem is a lot of women read this article, related to it, and then felt overwhelmingly GUILTY for having the same feelings and lashed out accordingly. We criticize the most what we see in ourselves.

And for every mother who loves the poo and booger talks, I applaud you. I still to this day gag like crazy at the sight of snot and put daddy in charge when vomit comes play. Guess because I hate those moments I am a selfish terrible mother too!

Madre January 30, 2009, 9:58 PM

Thank You!!! I SO needed that laugh. I’d love to see the “I Hate My Teenager” list. I love my son, but there are times when I want to drop kick him. Yeah, I know that children are “precious gifts,” but if I had known fourteen years and a half years ago what I’d be going through right now I would punch his dad in the face. It’s lists like this that help you to put things into perspective. Number one: everyone goes through feelings like this. Number two: if you lost your child, you would be heartbroken. Number three: sometimes you have to walk away and find something to laugh at to stop yourself from drop kicking your child.

Soo February 2, 2009, 8:33 AM

I can only agree with what the author is saying: having these kids was the biggest mistake in my life & it’s feels a little better to know that I am not the only one on the verge of sliting my wrist, jumpinh off a building with a rope tied around neck, & just in case the rope is too long I would make sure there was a rough iron fence alongside of the building. I am 24 years old & I feel more like 60. There isn’t any glitz or glamour, there are no more friends. No more going out. Now I knew that having kids wouldn’t be a walk in the park, but I didn’t think that it was going to be a sizzling lifetime in hell. And I hope that one day the little monsters known as my two kids come across this and it hurts their feelings enough that they don’t make the same mistake I did by having kids. At least that way some good will come out of my mistakes. I just hope I hold on long enough for them to get out of my house & there will be more quiet.


Anonymous February 12, 2009, 8:50 AM

Beautiful! As I sit hear listening to our 3 boys tearing my kitchen to shreads, insulting each other and generaly reminding me that I’ll not get a moments peace untill they are all in school full time, this put a smile on my weary face. All 1 year apart, and ALL boys, the comments on the bathroom situation and WWF really make me feel like I’m not alone in the struggle to turn wild curs into clean, contented, and happy lap dogs! Keep up the good work. Some of us like to be able to laugh again!

Jess February 16, 2009, 10:51 AM

I laughed so hard that my kids stopped their screaming and running around long enough to ask me what I was doing. Thanks I needed that. I feel the same way pretty often and it’s good to know that it’s all a normal part of motherhood. I love my kids to pieces, but do “hate” them occasionally too.

And for those of you who are so offended… Want to trade kids for a while? Maybe we are both missing something.

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