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10 More Reasons I Hate My Kids

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Guest Blogger Hateful Mommy, who has two kids under 5, recently read a story called "Top Ten Best Things about Having Kids." This inspired her to jot down more reasons why she thinks motherhood isn't all it's cracked up to be.

While checking out another parenting website, I came across an article entitled "Top Ten Best Things About Having Kids." In it, the author breathlessly counts down the reasons she's grateful to be a mother. I don't know what sugarcoated world the mom who wrote this lives in, but my day-to-day reality of having kids bears no resemblance whatsover to her list. Take her number 3 for example:

"A standing ovation every time you return home from doing anything--even if you just ran to the gas station."

Huh?! Since when are kids so excited to see you when you come home? And are we talking about teens here? If so, then I have strong suspicions they've been huffing glue in your absence and are a little light-headed. If they're younger, maybe they long for Mommy because Dad's been too busy trolling the Internet for porn to be convinced to play a rousing game of Candyland.  I'm speculating, of course.

Look, I don't know this woman, though I bet she's nice, real nice. And I'm sure she and I would have loads to talk about, provided we talked about--what else?--our kids and how "blessed" we are to have them. But still, I've got to give her credit for her heart-warming article. It was an inspiring read. In fact, it motivated me to to add to my previous post, 10 Reasons I Hate My Kids.

Here are 10 more for my list:
  1. Every crevice of our house is so filled with tracked-in sandbox sand that our entryway looks like beachfront property.

  2. Being forced to engage in "scintillating" conversations about the consistency and smell of "poo" with my feces-obsessed toddler.

  3. Our refrigerator, completely covered in preschool crafts, looks like a bad modern art exhibit or like someone threw up on it. Or both.

  4. Because my children consume so much milk, I'm thinking of taking out a second mortgage for a down payment on a dairy farm.

  5. Watching my two kids go at it is like being ringside at a WrestleMania. I only wish it was fake.

  6.  "Adventure" travel has been reduced to attempting to navigate two cranky kids through Costco without having a nervous breakdown.

  7. Their obsession with playground swings has made my "pushing arm" look like Popeye's. The only thing missing is the anchor tattoo.

  8. Screams of "I do it myseeelf!!!!" make it nearly impossible to get my kids dressed and out of the door. In order to arrive anywhere punctually, I have to pad my prep time by 8 to 10 hours.

  9. Since we're still in the toilet-training stage, my son's shaky aim has made my bathroom smell like the men's room at a Greyhound bus station--complete with wet toliet paper strewn across the floor.

  10. And the last reason I hate my kids? Because they make writing these lists so darn easy.

next: Kanye Arrested at Airport
65 comments so far | Post a comment now
Rod February 17, 2009, 3:52 PM

Why do people have more than one kid if they don’ tlike kids?

Jennifer February 19, 2009, 6:46 AM

Rod: Because society programs women that they MUST have children in order to be considered “normal.” Since mommies have no brains of their own, they HAVE to do what their friends have done, and drop out a few bratlings. In the meantime, the world population is exploding, a landfills till their ‘little dahling angels’ crap filled disposable dipes. But hey, they’re DISPOSABLE dipes. Just dispose of them! Mommie doesn’t care if they’ll be around for years… mommie only cares about making it to hockey practice on time in the Yukon or Suburban, with her cell phone permanently implanted on her ear, pushing Prius drivers off the road.

Na-Na March 1, 2009, 11:37 AM

ROFL this is great. I have three grown kids and I can relate with all of these. Yes, I agree that words can hurt, but not when they are said with love. All three of my children know completely that I have loved them more than life itself. When my son was making fun of me(as he usually does)I told him I should have killed him while I had the chance. I can’t get away with SIDS anymore(not at 25years old). He knew without a doubt that I would have gone through it all over again a hundred fold just so that he could make fun of me again. Thanks for the laugh dear one. Keep them comming. The best kiss in the world comes from those jelly coated mouths and the writer knows it too. God bless! LOL

Kate April 23, 2009, 9:43 AM

OK, so I’m not a mother yet. However, I have lived through about 25 years of my mother telling me that she wishes she’s never had me, whenever she’s very upset or frustrated. And? I know she still loves me and I love her. It’d take a very uptight and egotistical young person to be hurt by this article.

When I read this article I laughed because mom has complained about a number of these things. On the other hand, I bet grandma had a lot of complaints too! :-)

I hope that put it into perspective.

Jackie Doerschuk April 26, 2009, 4:51 PM

Lighten up people!!!! She’s just being honest. You should try it sometime.

Mary  May 3, 2009, 5:35 PM

Actually, I know a mom just like this author “Erin” and she walked out on her kids and husband. Turns out she is hooked on antidepressants, sleeping pills and Oxy type medication[s]. She talks just like this selfish mom about her kids. She is totally self absorbed and self centered as a result of these drugs. They make her drink lots of alcohol and crave sex [which she thinks is love every time] and the men are just using her. She is not the person I’ve known since we were in 8th grade. The script drugs and booze have totally warped her thinking processes and from what I understand these drugs change your feelings towards your kids and partner. Sad really. She has no clue she is that bad off and won’t listen to anyone but her crazy shrink who is taking her down this road of self destruction.

M.S. May 4, 2009, 9:04 AM

Moms….we are in our kids lives for a reason… love them Unconditionally no matter our circumstances or adversity.

They are not in our lives to love us and they don’t always do that no matter how much we love them or think they should.

Just love them, lousy behavior and all… change Your perspective and things change. They are kids, not adults or mini-me’s.

We are teaching by our example so if “hateful mommy” let’s them know she feels the way she does she may just get it back tenfold from them or….. they will learn from her, forgive her and be better mom’s than they thought she was to them.

-Agreed May 5, 2009, 11:55 PM

This list made me feel human again. Thank you.

maria May 25, 2009, 9:53 AM

anyone who actually HAS kids -gets this!we dont HATE our kids we HATE the things they do -it is very consuming !arent we allowed to have a temper tantrum too?we are human too!!!!

hmmmm May 27, 2009, 6:32 AM

Do you love them?

Anonymous June 2, 2009, 10:12 AM

I agree with you 100% I hate my kids too, screw all the sweet mommies

Melissa June 5, 2009, 2:53 AM

I think these are hilarious. If you can’t laugh, you’re going to cry. I’m so glad to see parents with a sense of humor. Everyone should be required to develop one before letting any child (or any other living organism) into their home.

Rita November 8, 2009, 9:04 PM

“A standing ovation every time you return home from doing anything—even if you just ran to the gas station.”

Hmmm, again, maybe your kids know how you feel about them and don’t care to greet you when you get home. That’s really sad. I feel sorry for you and your kids.

I’m a SAHM and after I come back from going to the store or something, my children run up to me and hug me like I’ve been gone for days! No, I don’t leave them home alone. Their father watches them, and quite well, I might add. They don’t bombard me with questions about what I bought them or anything. They’re just happy to see me. Just like I’m happy to see them.

And maybe if your husband is trolling the internet for porn, maybe it’s because you no longer sleep with him…just a thought. I can very confidently say my husband doesn’t look at porn online. Believe me. I would know. And he doesn’t do it at work either because he doesn’t use a computer at his work. He doesn’t need porn. He has me.

Again, for the 3rd time, here’s a novel idea: VACUUM. Maybe if you actually do stuff, your belly might get flat again.

Your child just wants to have a conversation with you in the only way he knows how. You should feel blessed because there are some children who can’t speak, or mothers who can’t hear.

HEY, get a scrapbook and put some of the drawings in there. Rotate the art.

Milk does a body good.

At least they’re interacting with each other.

Check out a local “Mom’s Day Out” program at a church. All communities have one. That way your children get socialized and you get to shop in peace.

Pushing your children on swings, really, I don’t see the problem here. I love seeing the grins and giggles on my children’s face when I push them higher.

Yeah, “I do it myself!” is very annoying, but really it’s one of the ways children learn. So make that room in your schedule, put on your big-girl panties and deal with it.

Yeah, that can be gross, but that’s why they invented Clorox wipes and Swiffer Wet Jets, as well as room spray. Use them.

I suggest putting money aside for the counseling your children will need in the near future.

Yeah, parenthood isn’t the most fun thing ever, but it’s pretty rewarding. Sure, there are some days when I wish my children would be quiet for a little while. But they’re only this young once and I intend to treasure it as long as possible.

I love being a mom. Again, I may not like certain moments, but at least I can say I don’t hate my children.

Rita November 8, 2009, 9:20 PM

Wow, I just went through all the comments on here, and I must say, you “moms” who say you really do hate your kids, why do you have them then? Why don’t you give them to a couple who wants kids sooo bad but can’t have any?

I’d love to rent you a room for a week with the parents of Somer Thompson, Jaycee Dugard, Etan Patz, Amber Hagermen, Heidi Seeman, and the grandparents of Caylee Anthony, make all of you hear the horror stories of what they went through.

See, there are mothers who would love to have a day with their kids again. Those days were taken away from them.

It’s not fair that you mothers were given the right to reproduce and you don’t even like your own kids, and there are couples who would give up anything to have one child to hold and love.

No, I don’t see this article as funny. If it was meant to be, it failed. Miserably.

I’m one of the most non-uptight mothers out there. I tolerate alot, it takes alot to offend me.

I hope the one day when your children find this article online, they forgive you, if they’re still even talking to you by then.

Good luck.

Babykiller November 13, 2009, 10:07 PM

By hating your children I see you as a truly realistic person. My girlfriend just pissed me off yesterday with thoughts of having a baby. She said that the thing she wishes most, but, now, really, I hate children with all my rotten heart and don’t want to procreate. I will even forget about sex, even protected sex, just not to have babies. I’m f-ing desperate!!! I don’t want to share her with anyone and I don’t share myself with anyone, I don’t want an intruder and if a baby would ever appear between me, my girlfriend and my plans for a musical career (I’m a musician, btw), I would lose my my mind, kill the baby, kill her, go on a random killing spree and than kill myself laughing like a psychopath (which btw, I am, medically speaking). I NEED HELP, people! My psychiatrist told me I’m right about not wanting to have kids; the planet is full already! I NEED TO CONVINCE HER THAT A BABY WOULD COMPLETELY RUIN EVERYTHING! I love her and her alone, but I don’t want her to have kids, I don’t want her to deform her body by giving birth to MY possible WORST ENEMY. I am her’s and her’s alone and I want her to be mine and mine alone!!! I’m going insane, I’m having nightmares with babies, I hate people, I am an extremely anti-social person and don’t want to help giving birth to another f-ing pile of s**t who will contribute in destroying this planet ‘cause its people I hate and ruin my life everyday, not this planet I’m living on. I HATE CHILDREN !!!

Angel January 11, 2010, 6:03 AM

Hahaha, this is hysterical,,,,,,,,,,to all the people who think this woman is terrible for writing this shame on you, It just means you have no sense of humour and cant see the lighter side of parenting, I love my kids and im a good parent and i have great kids,,,thats why i can see the humor in this because i am not insecure about my parenting and it seems like this author is pretty secure herself,

Latina January 27, 2010, 3:25 AM

Well i thought it was hilarious, the title draws the reader in but as you read, you can clearly tell that this woman adores her children. If she didnt then she wouldnt be writing about them.

ME January 29, 2010, 8:34 AM

Ditto to this common sense comment:
“Moms….we are in our kids lives for a reason… love them Unconditionally no matter our circumstances or adversity. They are not in our lives to love us and they don’t always do that no matter how much we love them or think they should. Just love them, lousy behavior and all… change Your perspective and things change. They are kids, not adults or mini-me’s. We are teaching by our example so if “hateful mommy” let’s them know she feels the way she does she may just get it back tenfold from them or….. they will learn from her, forgive her and be better mom’s than they thought she was to them.”

- M.S.
Posted 05/04/09 09:04 AM

Read more:

Anonymous February 12, 2010, 4:44 PM

lady. you just made my night. i thought i was the only person on the planet who HATES being a mom.

grow up selfish women! February 15, 2010, 9:57 AM

If you hate being a mom then give your kids to someone who will love them unconditionally!

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