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10 More Reasons I Hate My Kids

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Guest Blogger Hateful Mommy, who has two kids under 5, recently read a story called "Top Ten Best Things about Having Kids." This inspired her to jot down more reasons why she thinks motherhood isn't all it's cracked up to be.

While checking out another parenting website, I came across an article entitled "Top Ten Best Things About Having Kids." In it, the author breathlessly counts down the reasons she's grateful to be a mother. I don't know what sugarcoated world the mom who wrote this lives in, but my day-to-day reality of having kids bears no resemblance whatsover to her list. Take her number 3 for example:

"A standing ovation every time you return home from doing anything--even if you just ran to the gas station."

Huh?! Since when are kids so excited to see you when you come home? And are we talking about teens here? If so, then I have strong suspicions they've been huffing glue in your absence and are a little light-headed. If they're younger, maybe they long for Mommy because Dad's been too busy trolling the Internet for porn to be convinced to play a rousing game of Candyland.  I'm speculating, of course.

Look, I don't know this woman, though I bet she's nice, real nice. And I'm sure she and I would have loads to talk about, provided we talked about--what else?--our kids and how "blessed" we are to have them. But still, I've got to give her credit for her heart-warming article. It was an inspiring read. In fact, it motivated me to to add to my previous post, 10 Reasons I Hate My Kids.

Here are 10 more for my list:
  1. Every crevice of our house is so filled with tracked-in sandbox sand that our entryway looks like beachfront property.

  2. Being forced to engage in "scintillating" conversations about the consistency and smell of "poo" with my feces-obsessed toddler.

  3. Our refrigerator, completely covered in preschool crafts, looks like a bad modern art exhibit or like someone threw up on it. Or both.

  4. Because my children consume so much milk, I'm thinking of taking out a second mortgage for a down payment on a dairy farm.

  5. Watching my two kids go at it is like being ringside at a WrestleMania. I only wish it was fake.

  6.  "Adventure" travel has been reduced to attempting to navigate two cranky kids through Costco without having a nervous breakdown.

  7. Their obsession with playground swings has made my "pushing arm" look like Popeye's. The only thing missing is the anchor tattoo.

  8. Screams of "I do it myseeelf!!!!" make it nearly impossible to get my kids dressed and out of the door. In order to arrive anywhere punctually, I have to pad my prep time by 8 to 10 hours.

  9. Since we're still in the toilet-training stage, my son's shaky aim has made my bathroom smell like the men's room at a Greyhound bus station--complete with wet toliet paper strewn across the floor.

  10. And the last reason I hate my kids? Because they make writing these lists so darn easy.

next: Kanye Arrested at Airport
65 comments so far | Post a comment now
lynn February 25, 2010, 9:20 AM

ahahaha I thought this list and her satire was great. I have a 14 year old TERROR and I tell other adults all the TIME I never thought it was possible to hate your children sometimes. But I DO. Any of you that are so great and think ALL parents dont have those times. Come get my daughter and call me in the morning… :)

lynn February 25, 2010, 9:20 AM

In fact, please please please, do another list when your kids become teens :)

Heidi February 25, 2010, 9:03 PM

I have had a hard 5 months. My husband is deployed and we only see him on weekends. Today has been a nightmare with both of my girls {9 and 11}. I finally sent them to bed and the words,”I hate my children” crept out of my lips as soon as I heard the doors shut. I slapped my hand to mouth and felt ashamed, yet slightly relieved at the same time. I searched I hate my children and came across this list. I can see the humor in it and it makes me feel good I’m not alone.

johnny1jasmine3 July 16, 2010, 6:11 PM

Oh my god I loved reading this post… All of the things we secretly think (and then we bash ourselves for even THINKING it!) occasionally, all the while being as patient, loving, playful, sand-box owning, and chilled out as we can while actually WITH our kids. I love ‘em to bits… but sometimes I just REALLY, REALLY feel fed up.
And god it’s nice to hear another mother say it too!

Anonymous May 8, 2011, 1:00 AM

If you think it’s so bad, I don’t know why you decided to have a SECOND child. I get making the “mistake” of this first.. but why the second? Your poor kids are going to be messed in the head.

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