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12 Kids' Books NOT on the Market

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Guest blogger Paul Starke: I'm just going to say it. Most of the children's books today are pretty crappy. Either they're very thin on plot (The Little Train That Could is particularly dull and pedantic) or, they're vanity projects penned by celebrities (I swore I saw a Li'l Richard Dreyfuss adventure at Barnes & Noble Jr.). But my biggest problem is that they don't really teach kids about the harsh realities of life. Thus, I present to you in this week's Daddy Dozen, the 12 CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT SHOULD BE WRITTEN.

father reading to child
1) Cubey--The Magical Cubicle Drone: What better way to prepare your son or daughter for a largely unfulfilling life of middle management. Cubey will teach kids valuable lessons about Minesweeper and online shopping.

2) Oh, the Places You Won't Go: Outer space, an Ivy League School, the NFL...


3) The ABC'S of ADD: This book is only three pages long.

4) My First Prostate Exam: This will be the opposite of a pop-up book.

5) Toiletland: Tales from Goldfish Heaven: The courageous tale of Blinky--your dead pet goldfish--and the mystical world of the public septic system.

6) Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Mid-life Crisis: An older Harry, about 46, trades in his broomstick for a Porsche and gets hair plugs.

7) Are you there God? It's me, Prozac: A sequel to the iconic tween book, which most insurance companies should cover.

8) Scotchy: Daddy's Best Friend: Daddy and his best pal, a talking bottle named Johnnie Walker, watch ESPN together until they pass out.

9) Tuesdays with Dr. Feldstein: A heartwarming tale about a man and his curmudgeonly therapist. Each chapter concludes with the line, "It's 10 of, we'll have to continue this next week."

10) Where's Waldo: Global Warming Edition: See if you spot that rascal Waldo under a melting icecap! Is that him under that pile of dead polar bears?

11) Why Does Mommy Wear Sweatpants All the Time?: Probably the same reason why Daddy sleeps on the sofa.

12) The Power of Positive Thinking for Toddlers: With all of life's speed bumps, sometimes the only thing you can do get through it is to have a positive outlook and a sense of humor. Or at least that's what Dr. Feldstein told me last Tuesday.

Paul Starke is an Emmy-winning TV producer, and a co-writer of the #1 New York Times bestseller, An Inconvenient Book.


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